Not long ago, when people thought of zombies, they thought of decomposing corpses shambling across a graveyard under the magical yoke of a higher, eviler being. Perhaps this being was a lich or a sorcerer, or even, we are ashamed to say it, a human.
In this disgraceful state, zombies were little more than bipedal fodder for heroes of every class and caliber. These heroes would bash, burn, slice, dice, mangle, or obliterate zombies on their way to treasure, victory, and fame. If adventure were karate, zombies were wooden boards, set up to be knocked down, broken in half, and discarded back into the ground from whence they had arisen.
Boys and ghouls, such a time has passed because the modern zombie is fast, agile, angry, and fluent in conversational Spanish. He or she can leap tall survivors in a single bound and infiltrate the safest sanctuaries while moaning for brains or sesos, all on the go. Not so fast, though! There's more between today's zombies and world domination than loosely boarded shacks or heavily armed agents. Gun proliferation is a serious issue in so-called "unlife," while language barriers can make international travel awkward and confusing for even the most cosmopolitan corpse. We'll address those issues and show you what a certain group of zombies is doing to turn the world's least liked minority into the most feared majority.
And what better day than October 31 to explore these pressing issues?
Stop, Don't Shoot!
While some among the zombie elite pine for the day when zombies will learn to use guns, the editors of this publication would like to point out that the undead soldiers in Doom II were still fodder, even with shotguns.
Truly, the gun is the zombie's worst enemy. No matter how fast you run or clearly enunciate "Por favor, no!" the gun is faster and too often has the last word. Nowhere is this more clearly the case than in the upcoming Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles for the Wii. This game is a rail shooter, most odious of all genres to zombiekind. Where normally fat, out-of-shape nerds would die near the beginning of a zombie apocalypse, they'll be able to recline in the safety and comfort of their La-Z-Boy chairs; Doritos resting securely on their paunches, blasting away with one hand, munching with the other. *Zombie groan*
And it's not like Umbrella Chronicles will feature the vanguard of zombie pride: the fast, the smart, or the Spanish speaking. No, normally progressive Capcom has chosen the slowest, saddest specimens to play the fish in their wicked barrel. Of course, Capcom rationalizes it all, saying Umbrella Chronicles will let players relive many of the most shameful and depressing periods of zombie history in violent glory, also known as Resident Evil 0, 1, 2, and 3. That's great, if you're a human.
Yet it gets worse. Not only will Umbrella Chronicles be a zombie-shooting spree, Nintendo is releasing an accessory to make the carnage even more precise and the headshots as numerous as the undead horde. We speak of the innocent sounding Wii Zapper that will come packaged with the cutesy Link's Crossbow Training. Do not be fooled: This device converts the already intuitive Wii controllers into a veritable submachine gun, and it is not, sadly, prohibitively expensive.
While humanity is armed with cruel new peripherals, helpless Wii zombies will be forced to hobble toward the screen while teenage stoners, middle-aged mothers, and even hip grandmothers (normally a zombie's first and most rewarding target demographic) repeatedly shoot them. Oh the horror... If you've ever wondered whether or not zombies have nightmares, the answer is yes. These nightmares also come in the form of Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles with the Wii Zapper submachine gun grip.
So, what can be done? For starters, no more random milling around in malls: Go for the toy stores and video game shops. Convert the sales clerks and teach them to brainlessly recite preorder deals, future releases, and bonus-card spiels until the customer runs...screaming. Our only other piece of advice is this: duck.
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