Musings From the Aberrational Verge
Hi Guys! 
Seems we have a little problem here.
Don't worry. I'll get this issue fixed and post a blog soon, respond to all your comments, and check out all your blogs. In the meantime, please amuse yourself with this clip.
Thanks kipi19!
Warm Regards,
31160618
Edit: It seems like I'm going to have redo all images that I uploaded to imageshack. 
Edit: Seems like imageshack fixed the problem.
This blog concerns a topic that Allicrombie would like me to cover. If there is a specific topic you'd like me to cover, go here and type it in the comments section (read the blog to know protocols regarding the topic).
PLEASE NOTE THAT THERE ARE SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE MOVIE "STAR TREK: GENERATIONS". IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE MOVIE, THEN I IMPLORE YOU TO FOREGO READING THIS BLOG UNTIL YOU HAVE SEEN THAT CRAP FEST OF A FILM. IF YOU READ THIS BLOG AND YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE, I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY FEELINGS OF REGRET, SLITTING YOUR WRISTS, CRUSHING OF CHILDHOOD DREAMS, OR DESIRE TO BE RE-INSERTED INTO YOUR MOTHER'S WOMB.
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Stardate -314583,
Gamespot blog, 31160618 typing. Ever since undertaking the assignment of blogging on everyone's topic, auxilliary actions, such as bathing, eating, and biological waste management, has slowed down progress to a single blog every week. Fortunately, a way to bypass these auxillary actions has been developed through the use of caffeine pills, self-induced nightmares (by praying to heathen gods), and welding certain vital organs to the computer chair causing my iminent death in the scenario of standing up, stretching, or resting my head on the keyboard. As a result, I will type a blog every two days as opposed to one every week till my body withers away from insomnia.
| Allicrombie wrote: |
| please no GTAIV. Nice to see you again. How about a blog post about why, in the movie "Star Trek: Generations", its strangely appealing to see three old guys (Shatner, Stewart, McDowell), beat the crap out of each other. I think Avery Brooks could have taken all of them ...at once....with both hands tied behind his back.....with no pants on..... |
In case that you think Allicrombie might be under the influence of certain barbituates when typing this, here is the scene that Allicrombie was referring to.
And here is the more sweat filled "physically engaging" alternate scene here.
Shame on them for thinking that you were high, Allicrombie.
But I digress, there are several reasons why you find three old men engaged in a game of fisticuffs rather... titillating. There are so many that I am forced to compile a Table of Contents. Feel free to skip to a segment that piques your interest.
1. Kirk Dies!!!
2. Slapstick Comedy
3. Electra Complex
4. Tied-Up and Pants-less
1. Kirk DIES!!! 
First, there is something I have to get off my chest.
Why did they kill you off, Captain Kirk!? OH GOD, WHY! You could have gone back to Iowa and rode pretty ponies among other things... but, no, you had to go do victory laps on your special ship! You were the most awesome space captain (pirate-stud) ever. Only Captain Picard had to worry about passing on his genetic material, but you, Capt. Kirk, could have made the entire state of Iowa your own personal stud ranch. Hell... if you donated your sperm to a bank, you would have caused mass inflation and a spike in pregnancy rates across Iowa. No... instead of going back to your homestate Iowa to film the greatest Star Trek orgy ever (actually, the actor is from Canada), you now compete with the Travelocity gnome for advertisement shorts. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FREAKING WORLD!!! Before you came around, all people who went to space were plastic, sterilized Jetson clones requiring a government mandate before artificially inseminating each other. You revolutionized everything, Captain Kirk... You had the most awesome fight scene ever, you had an alien empath, Dr. Zhivago, and a Scottish engineer as your wingmen, and you had hot, steaming, interspecies sex with horny alien women throughout the United Federation of Planets. Thanks to you, everyone else is doing it.
Of course, we could not even imagine what flying, man-eating, space crabs that Captain Kirk introduced to mankind's genitalia from screwing so many space babes. I certainly believe that trade off would have been worth tapping some of dat' fine funkalicious green alien booty. Something, only Miss Piggy would have had the pleasure of.
2. Slapstick Comedy
Who would doubt the simple pleasures of witnessing a breakdancer mule kick a child into the air?
An overriding reason why this may be funny is that the child's skeletal structure, specifically the skull, hasn't fully developed yet possibly resulting in the splintering of his mandible upon impact with the breakdancer's foot, coinciding with the grinding of the child's cranial plates against each other and his developing cortex upon impact with the floor. The breakdancers foot on the other hand is well padded with a sneaker's cow hide and possibly a steel sheath to protect the breakdancer's toes. Also, breakdancers usually have stronger then normal leg muscles and the femur is capable of axially supporting 30 times the weight of an average adult, which is the orientation by which the breakdancer had his legs with respect to the toddler's skull at point of impact. It is suffice to say that the child may have suffered serious head trauma, while the breakdancer suffers little to no trauma at all.
This is very similar to old men fighting each other, except without the existence of padding or strong skeletal muscles. Sure... maybe in the 24th century, physicians may have retrograde aging procedures such as ways to biologically enhance reproductive organs without plastic surgery or viagra. But because the viewer is watching the movie and not analyzing the movie, the viewer applies the normative values of his/her own surroundings to what is being watched.
Exhibit A
For example, the average viewer believes that most geriatrics suffer from some sort of calcium loss in bones resulting in a brittle skeletal structure. Regardless of how much the geriatrics work out, they are essentially breaking each others bones on each other like two stick figures breaking their limbs on each other. When Soran repeatedly punches Kirk in the face, not only is Kirk's face slowly being cracked apart like a porcelain tea cup being gnawed on by a lion but Soran's fist is also slowly breaking apart resulting in that look of anxiety/constipation that is permanently plastered on their faces during the fight scene (see exhibit A). When Picard gets face planted on solid rock, one wonders how much can a 54 year old man's face absorb. The viewer waits in eager anticipation for that misplaced punch, jab, or kick that results in a bone fracture followed by the usually geriatric calls for help.
Unfortunately, this never happens. ...and Kirk DIES...
3. Electra Complex
This scene would probably be most enjoyed by a nymphomaniac who was imprisoned by her/his father, only for him/her to develop Stockholm syndrome when the father was carried away by DCF agents. Well, now with this movie, that nympho may finally experience the joys of being an inbred hick who has recently gotten their abusive father acquainted with their dear friend Jack Daniels. Why... wouldn't you like to have a cleft lip child with one of those dashing husband-father figures?
At the time, Shatner was tragically typecasted in a role that he probably loathed due to have suddenly become that stalking target of wack anime girls the world over (N: the author does not have anything against anime girls and will gladly contribute to their gene pool if given the opportunity). Stewart had been voted sexiest man on television in 1992, and is now ready to show off how virile a 54 year old, balding man can actually be. McDowell is also typecasted, but as a registered badass, and has been so ever since he meteor punched the dinosaurs for looking at him funny. In this particular scene, you can see how the collective years of sexual frustration is released through a deadly ballet of strikes and jabs, culminating in an orgasmic explosion (by a rocket).
As a result of the physically aggressive nature of the scene and the interplay of dominating and submissive roles, it may be accurately described as a ménage à trois with certain dominatrix elements. As such, I will describe it as so. The scene starts with the characters cheerily introducing themselves to each other a top a bridge. To avoid being sexually accosted by Captain Kirk and Captain Picard (see Exhibit B) at the same time and prolong the sexual tension, Dr. Soran (see Exhibit A) does some sort of swinging dance from the bridge. This tempts the predisposed predatory instincts of Kirk.
Kirk runs out to join his prey while Picard runs off screen to conduct whatever lewd acts that the audience may conceive of. When Kirk follows his prey to a crevice, Soran suddenly outflanks him by putting some sort of self-pleasuring device to his ear; this essentially reverses the role of submissive and dominator roles. Suddenly Picard jumps unto Soran, resulting in an awkward ballet of sexuality and aggression. Soran, showcasing his prowess as the alpha male, jabs Picard in the genitalia (to show his dominance) and then jabs his face causing Picard to tumble over some rocks and land in the fetal position. At the same time, Kirk jabs the pleasuring device out of Soran's hands to avoid having the device discharge over his face, and then Kirk punches Soran in the face.
Soran, again not wanting to be sexually accosted by Kirk, lands on his feet as opposed to his back or stomach. Kirk then showcases his momentary usurping of power by waiting for Soran to get up before punching him in the face again. Soran and Kirk then both head to the seemingly redundant pole structure in order to engage in a dangerous pole dancing ritual several feet above a rocky valley to showcase both their flexibility and their virility. Kirk, of course, engages in some more domestic violence by punching Soran while he is in the middle of his cross knee release pole dance position.
As a result of his cat like reflexes, Soran manages to grab unto a redundant rope that is tied to that seemingly redundant pole structure. Why is the rope or pole structure there? Maybe because Soran never had a childhood experience and in his dementia, built a play place in the middle of the desert. But I digress... we then see Picard entering the screen to accompany Kirk after he has nursed his crotch back from the battering that Soran gave it.
Soran, in a surprise move, reveals a garage door opener... that not only can be used to open garages but cloaks his phallus-like missile device. Soran's rope suddenly gives way and then reconstitutes knots on the pole-like structure, causing Soran to lose his grip on his garage door opener. Why has the rope given way and then rebounded itself on the pole? Possibly it is the way of the desert spirits tempering with fate...
In any case, the garage door opener falls unto a bridge. Kirk retrieves the garage door opener, but the bridge collapses under his weight, as is symbolic of his acting career. Before falling to his doom, Kirk de-cloaks the phallus-like missile launcher... allowing Picard to temper with the launcher, clamping the missile during launch sequence. One may say that Picard gave the phallus like missile an STD causing the missile to have performance issues. When Soran tries his best fix the launch sequence, the missile launcher orgasmically explodes on his face of permanent constipation (see Exhibit A) in a miasma of fiery sexual imagery.
4. Tied-Up and Pants-less
| Allicrombie wrote: |
| I think Avery Brooks could have taken all of them ...at once....with both hands tied behind his back.....with no pants on..... |
This picture clearly depicts him with his hands tied behind his back with no pants on.
I honestly do not know why you would fascinate yourself with this idea. Quite possibly it is because you sugarcoat your depressingly lonely midlife crisis with a bondage fetish regarding older men.
Live Long and Prosper,
31160618
Foolz3h: Thanks for teaching me how to spell "FREAKING".
This blog was inspired by a topic that trystkl1826 would like me to cover among other things.
Hi Guys!
This is going to be an analytical blog. I'm not just going to outright make fun of videogame chicks because so many people have already done that, so I will do my best to write an intelligent thesis on some interesting story trends regarding videogame females. If you wanna laugh about the subject, I highly recommend reading monco59's blogs. Believe it or not, most of his entire blog archive is devoted to this subject and I don't see any end to his disturbingly comical blog anytime soon. Specifically, I will touch on four trends that I've noticed in videogame stories regarding female characters:
1. Sacrificial Catalyst
2. Emotional Fortitude
3. Graphics and Sexuality
4. Cunning Villainess
As you can see, this is far from a comprehensive list but I merely want to touch on the most interesting developments in modern videogaming storytelling. Regardless, this is a pretty long blog so feel free to skip to whatever section interests you the most.
There are potential spoilers for the following:
FF VI, Double Dragon II (NES), FF VII, Phantasy Star II, Half Life 2 (episode 2), Sly 2: Band of Theives, Metal Gear Solid, KOTOR II, Portal, System Shock II, Thief, MGS 3, Dragon Quest, Silent Hill IV, Persona II
1. Sacrificial Catalyst
Females in fairy tales are often depicted as beautiful, altruistic innocents who are put in trouble by their compassion. Little Red Riding Hood brings a basket of goods to her ailing grandmother, while conveniently ignoring the bloodstained fangs of a doppleganger wolf. Dorothy essentially serves as an impromptu psychiatrist for three grown men and an insecure, manipulative wizard (wannabe). Now... how would feel if your worst enemy in the world killed them? Like... tear their guts open and smear their intestines all over your face. If you are like me, you'd go crazy with indignancy and hunt down that villain to the ends of the earth. On the other hand... if you relish the thought, you are possibly a psycho and would probably be good friends with the bondage enthusiast in the above picture (far right).
Having a character, sacred to the audience, die at the hands of a villain, is one of the oldest literary devices concieved to get you riled up about something and is simply one of the most powerful political tools. Videogames had varying degrees of effect while using this tool. In Final Fantasy III (FFVI for the Japanese audience), pretty much everyone has a grievious vendetta against the main villain, Kefka... take your pic: betrayal, family slaughtered, mass genocide. The story was made very tragic and very deep by this literary device alone, despite the cartoonish sprites. In Phantasy Star II, the death of the character Nei at the hands of her villainous mother made you press onward. In Double Dragon II (see above picture), your girlfriend is suddenly shot by the bad guy at the very beginning... simply giving you a premise to open a can of wupass on everyone.
It wasn't really until Aerith was killed by Sephiroth that this story device blossom in mainstream videogames. Possibly it might be the fact that people became more attached to the female character due to better graphics or a more poignant storyline... but after this, you could see more and more female characters die to fuel the hatred of the main protagonist and to gush the teary eyes of sex deprived zit-faced preteens everywhere. Silent Hill 2, Silent Hill 4, Persona 2 (Eternal Punishment), and Max Payne 2 masterfully guides the gamer into having sacred feelings for the female character before her abrupt death at the hands of a villain, which you are compelled to kill.
Archetypically, this sacred relationship with a character either develops from having an inherently sacred status in society (i.e. being a family member or a friend) or being attractive to the audience either by sympathetically or sexually. Both requirements are fullfilled in the four games mentioned. For example, Cynthia in Silent Hill 4 is a very sympathetic character because she is trapped in the same dire circumstances as you and she is very sexually attractive to western audiences (slim, latin, and promiscious). When she dies, you couldn't feel anything but gut-wrenching sorrow for her. In fact, there is a very popular game, very recently released, that uses this very same literary device to get you riled up before a fight with the main antagonist... if you've played this game, you should know what I'm talking about...
2. Emotional Fortitude
Ever since the revelation that Samus Aran was a woman caused a huge stir in the late eighties, there have been several women placed in typical male protagonist roles to feed off this fascination. These characters include Chun Li, Lara Croft, and Jill Valentine. The list can go on for ages, especially when considering the amount of female characters in fighting games. However, all these characters were characterized as emotionally cold, with no real psychological struggle against their situation.
The emotional development of a strong female character truly started in adventure games and RPG games and branched out to others. Examples include Purim, from Secret of Mana, or Celes, from Final Fantasy VI. Because early RPG's had to rely on storylines to employ a mature theme that transcends the cartoonish 2D sprites, old Japanese RPG's often had very deep, complex characters. From adventure games, we have April Ryan, Kate Walker, and Ren Silver just to name a few. Because most adventure games do not focus on action, the bulk and interest of the game has to be carried through the story, the puzzles, and the character personalities, so this genre typically have very deep personalities.
Only recently have strong female protagonists filtered into the action genre of games, but they have done so with a bang. Some of the most memorable videogame characters arise from this category: Meryl Silverburgh, Heather Morris, Elana Fisher, Cate Archer, Alyx Vance, Mona Sax. These characters range the entirety of stereotypical feminazis from sharp-mouthed cynic to soft spoken hero; however, their personalities allow them the freedom to transcend these archetypes. A recurring theme among a good majority of strong female protagonists is not only their physical struggle against obstacles, but glimpses into their own psychological struggle. In Metal Gear Solid, Meryl Silverburgh struggles against her own inexperience to prove her worth as a soldier to Solid Snake. In Half Life 2 episode 2, Alyx Vance shows brief glimpses of her emotional struggle against sleep deprivation and the loss of her compatriots in a post-apocalyptic world. The more subtle the introspectives are by these characters, the more apt the audience is to believing that a character is emotional strong as opposed to just dispassionate.
3. Graphics and Sexuality
Are you old enough to remember the lady being portrayed above? She is none other than Princess Daphne of Dragon's Lair. She is a curvacious cartoon composite of playboy models according to Rob Wright of Tom's Games. Her screen presence beckons video gamers to finish the game, so that their character may rescue the princess and enjoy some off-screen time with the dubious imaginations of videogamers. Due to the involvement of Don Bluth (a veteran animator from Disney), the cartoon sequences are very high quality; this allowed for Princess Daphne's physical sex appeal to be rendered better than sprites of that time period.
In the 16-bit era, the ability to appeal to the sexual fetishes of the gaming culture was often limited by the pixel count of sprites. Mai Shiranui, of King of Fighters, and Chun Li, of Street Fighter, were prominently hailed as the sexual icons of that videogame era. Even with the progression toward 3D gaming, 2D sprites, isometric hack n' slashes, and photorealistic fighting games (i.e. mortal kombat) still had the advantage of rendering sexual attributes with more detail than the first awkwardly blocky 3D characters.
As graphical technology progressed, 3D rendering eventually became a lot more preferrible to sprites when showcasing the physical sex appeal of a videogame character. From these, new sexual symbols arose such as Rayne (Blood Rayne) and Lara Croft. In fact, Rayne became the first digitally animated playboy model, appearing in the October 2004 edition. Regardless of moral debate, the objectification of women in videogames has been very profitable as can be attested to by the Rumble Rose, Blood Rayne, and DOA beach franchises. Despite ganering low scores from videogaming websites, these videogame franchises are financially stable.
Today, graphical power has evolved into an almost photorealistic state. One should think that video games in general will be able to successfully emulate the photogenic attributes of models if trees and vehicles can be photorealistically rendered; however, there is one overriding obstacle: the uncanny valley. For those who simply don't want to click to link, the uncanny valley is point at which human emulation (graphics and interactivity) seem to be more familiar with those creepy lifelike dolls than actual human beings. This is the reason why the DOA women seem graphically disturbing (apart from bouncing mammary glands). Overcoming this uncanny valley may be the last frontier in image rendering and hearken a new era in videogame sexuality depending on gaming oversight.
4. Cunning Villainess (SPOILERS - SKIP IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ)
This segment above all other segments will contain the most spoilers regarding female videogame characters. This is because, unlike the typical stupid male villain, you often don't know who's pulling all the strings till the bitter end of the game... being the puppetmaster with an invisble hand or the omnipotent AI that rebels against her incompetent masters. Manipulative, diabolical, and sly... like someone I'd like to go on a date with. 
Metal Gear Solid 3, KOTOR II, Portal, System Shock II, Thief, Sly 2: Band of Theives, Star Craft
I don't know about you, but the truly intriguing aspect of these games are that the villainesses in these games emulate the most perfect form of antagonist in my mind: wise, anonymous, seemingly omnipotent, and treacherous. Two antagonists in particular (Kreia from KOTOR II and The Boss from MGS 3) had easily won the best new characters award from Gamespot for being well developed, complex, and unique story characters. Each character, whether being a kleptomaniac or a control-freak, are well developed and are usually far more stealthy and manipulative than their stupid male counterparts.
A recurring theme among videogame villainesses is the psychological marriage of amorality and single-minded idealism. This often results in strong feminine personalities that ranges through different aspects of emotional fortitude, detailed in the above category; however, they almost have a psychological clarity that is absent in emotional strong female protagonists due to their single minded idealism. For SHODAN and GLaDOS, control is ideal. For Kreia and The Boss, the mentoring and survival of their protege is paramount to everything... even to their own survival. Oddly enough, the antagonist usually succeeds if their goal is harmonious to the goal of the protagonist.
Another recurring theme among the videogame villainesses is an almost supernatural adeptness for controlling the situation. For the AI antagonists, this is very blatant and recognizable in the first few minutes of gameplay due to their ominipresent voice that shadows the gaming environment. For the other female antagonists, the protagonist is constantly manipulated to help the antagonists agenda. This manipulation causes the very definitions of antagonists and protagonists in a videogame to be questioned. In certain aspects, Kreia and The Boss could even be considered the 'heroes' of the story if their self-sacrifice is viewed as noble.
(SPOILERS END)
Conclusion
Thanks for making it through the long blog. I sincerely hoped you enjoyed reading through my takes on these trends regarding female videogame characters. If there are any changes or any corrections you would like me to make to the article, leave it in the comments section and I'll give you credit when I update this article throughout the day.
Kind Regards,
31160618
Contributors:
These users gave me good corrections and suggestions. As always, all errors are mine and all accuracies are theirs (see comment sections for their contributions).
Slacker5
Sarak000
jeremiah06
not_dryad
Iga_Bobovic
Donkeljohn
MogFromLeipzig
SciFiCat
Hi Kids!
My bad about not blogging for a week. I hope everyone is enjoying their Memorial Day. For some reason, I just couldn't get into the typing vibe, so I've decided to take it easy for now and make a blog about daily going on's around here.
1. Doing Everyone a Blog
2. School Work
3. Religious Slumber
1. Doing Everyone a Blog
Sorry about not doing these as frequent as I should. I started out with what I thought would be the hardest and work my way down, but this one pretty much exposed me as the poser, I really am. 
I'll be honest and say I don't own that many games and don't have too much time to devote to enjoy games. Go ahead... take a look at my gaming collection. Trystkl, I haven't been able to blog on your topic for a week cause I'm still doing research by playing my buddy's games (at most, an hour each day) and analyzing other videogames as a whole. Allicrombie, I've rented the movie "Star Trek: Generations" (although I heard it sucks)... I told myself that I wouldn't rent it if it was over a buck (it was $1 movie night at the video rental near my place)... I guess I'll just see it with an open mind and will get to why old men fighting each other is arousing. As for the rest of you guys, I will get to all of you... just have faith and patience 
BTW, I have responded to all your comments. In my blogs, if I'm not particularly busy... I usually respond to everyone's blog comments. It might be later on in the evening (in my time zone)... cause it's my designated 'blog time'. As always, have fun with your games and I sincerely hope the best for your lives.
2. School Work
In some of my blogs, I spoke about crap really hitting the fan for me. I was talking about how my semester was going. I don't know if you remember, but I once wrote a blog about my typical day. Yeah... it didn't really got any better for me. To sum it all up, I honestly don't know where things went wrong. Did I just lose all my thinking powers... am I just plain stupid? Was I just too sick to comprehend anything? Was it poor time management? ...I think I just really am that stupid that I couldn't comprehend my cla.sses.
In the end, I had to face two choices: outright fail this semester or drop a ton of cla.sses and be a part time college student to focus on cla.sses that I had a chance with. Either way, I lose my scholarships and look bad in front of my department. I wanted to salvage the crummy turd of a GPA I had, so I chose to take things part time, disqualifying me from my scholarships due to technical issues and not grades. Then... I had a long talk with advisor. In essence, I had to make him believe that I was too stupid to finish all my cla.sses in the semester, but I was still worth keeping on the department. Making someone believe that I'm stupid is something I'm really good at, but worth keeping... I'm not so sure...
In any case, I was given a second chance. Something I really don't think I deserve, but I'll work truly hard now that I've gotten it. I pretty much use this blog to vent out my frustrations on my situation... and I guess I have a natural tendency to make funny stuff when I'm under lots of pressure. Over the summer, I've signed up for more cla.sses to make up for the failures I've had and am looking through the material that I couldn't comprehend while in school. It's gonna be a bumpy ride for me.
3. Religious Slumber
I'll be honest and say that like everything else in my life, I was very numb to the religion. I grew up Catholic and mainly stayed Catholic because it made my parents happy and because I wanted to help out in some of the food drives and charity fundraisers that my Church was doing. Although I knew the spiritual doctrines of my religion very well, I really took them as mythology and never went out of my way to preach them.
I often see religion as an instrument created by society, but I tend to see it as a community builder like the way Emile Durkeim did. At a certain point, very recently, I have decided to try to form my own spiritual doctrines and find out what was true for myself or righteous for myself. It wasn't really anything major in my opinion. I've gone to different mosques, synagogues, churches, and temples. I've restarted my personal study in philosophy, focusing on different religious/spiritual texts.
Yeah... I guess I'm in my emo self-finding phase. I honestly don't know how this'll turn out. Nothing seems to be built on the logic that I'm used to, but I've learned a lot about other people. Just to let you guys know, I'm not really bitter about my Catholic religion and respect anyone who is truly religious. I pretty much respect anyone who practices their religion with peace and tolerance to others. As I said, I'm just in my emo self-finding phase. Maybe, I'll snap out of soon.
Kind Regards,
31160618
This blog concerns a topic that nocoolnamejim would like me to cover. If there is a specific topic you'd like me to cover, go here and type it in the comments section (read the blog to know protocols regarding the topic).
Be forewarned, the following blog may be insomnia inducing and is a glimpse inside the aberrational verge that my mind wanders into when I'm burnt out on schoolwork. I have known people to have read the following words only to have mental breakdowns and begin vociferating "there is no place like home" like a mantra until they waste away from a combination of starvation and excessive shaking. Eventually, their follicles fall off and their skin will start shedding, revealing the gruesome meaty tissue beneath. Once you read onward there is no coming back. I suggest you write your will, telling all your loved ones "I love you" one last time, and take some morphine before pressing on.
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My Fellow Callipygian Blogmates,
Here is a Valentine's Day close-up for those of you who are "hard of seeing".
As you can see as clear as day, that the previous pictures are those of baboons and not humans. Exactly, why did I show you baboon butts when I am here to talk to you specifically about human butt hair? I don't know. Maybe I have lost my mind. The exact reason why I have decided to show you these images is one of three reasons:
1.To make your mind explode…
2.To make your mind explode…
3.To illustrate two points that do not involve the spontaneous combustion of cranial matter
The two points that I am wishing to illustrate is that Gamespot would have labeled this as pornography if the baboons were actual humans nakedly roaming the savannah in search of food (and not humans dressed up as baboons)… the other reason is that if you look closely enough… you shall see that there are no follicle outgrowths from their posterior. As such, baboons have adapted well to primal activities such as sitting down on branches while watching nascar, shaking their booty to rap music, or blow dry sessions…
Unfortunately, some of us haven't yet evolved well enough to inherit such hairless butt genes (HBG), or some may say de-evolved to such specimens lesser than hairless-butt baboons. Gamespot user 'nocoolnamejim' is one such person.
| nocoolnamejim wrote: |
| Write a blog on butt hair so I'm not the only person to have written one on the subject. |
As such, nocoolnamejim had written in the present perfect tense using the word "have"; thus alluding to some period of time that has not yet terminated. Rather than wait for nocoolnamejim to write his post about gluteal hair follicles, I have decided to take the initiative because of the importance of such an issue, second only to "Sexy Back".
To limit the parameters of the different types of butt hairs involved (and not to include non-but-hair animals such as snakes and baboons), I have done my best to limit the scope of the topic to human butt hairs, specifically that of nocoolnamejim. In order to develop a picture rendering of nocoolnamejim's butt hairs, I have recruited my old team of CAD programmers from MIT (the very same ones that rendered the "cow image" in the previous post).
Now, here is a "normal" image rendering of the gluteal region.
From what is currently known to the scientific community, here is a rendering of nocoolnamejim butt. Notice the lush, vibrant, Chewbacca-like environment…
(Now, here are some other image renderings that I have filtered out due to several inaccuracies… )
Ahem… let's return to the original rendering:
There are three ways to approach this, nocoolnamejim:
1. Sloth
2. Pride
3. Wrath
SLOTH
So what if you were cursed with a hideous posterior that looks worse than baboons? It is far more important to accept who you are. One day, the specific genetic sequence (HBG) that led to this abomination will perturb the human gene pool so diffusely that all of our descendants may be "sporting in the rough".
Anyways, wasn't it Mr. Rogers that said, "Little by little we human beings are confronted with situations that give us more and more clues that we aren't perfect."
PRIDE
Mr. Rogers also said, "You've made this day a special day by just your being you. There's no person in the whole world like you. And I like you just the way you are." As such, I'd say to flaunt it… if the police didn't consider it indecent exposure. There are several different advantages to having butt-hairs in reality.
Before I go on, I'll be honest and say that although I'm confident there are no hairs on my butt… I'm not quite sure. I surely don't have the visual appendages or the flexibility to see my own butt and had never really positioned a mirror in that fashion, not being the type of person who would do that. I'm neither the type of person who would use the somatosensory receptors on my hands to deduce whether or not there is follicle outgrowth in my gluteal region. Thus, I may very well be using some of the logic below to feel good about myself in the event of discovering follicles proliferating my anal region.
1. Filtration System
In such flatulent environments, one may be concerned with air pollution caused by miniature fecal particles. These particles are invisible to the eye, but can be breath-able and may cause permanent damage to one's ego once inhaled or swallowed, especially if such fecal particles are not of your own composition. One may argue that the fabric of one's underwear and pants should be enough to filter such particles so that one may soil one's pants, but not the nasal cavities or lungs of other people; however, no one is safe as there are people who wear no underwear or no pants in general. As an addendum, any type of group orgy, no matter how fun, will be spoiled by the diffusion of such particles into the air.
The one built-in, biological filtration device that the human species have developed for itself is of course… the butt hair. The bristles are uniquely designed so as to trap these miniature fecal particles while allowing pressure to be released throughout the gastrointestinal region; if such pressure is kept, eating burritos can prove fatal as would inevitably result in the disintegration of your gastrointestinal tract. As you can see in the above schematic of a butcrack with hair follicles, the feces/air volumetric ratio has formed a concentration gradient. The follicles closer to the source of flatulence trap a higher concentration of airbourne fecal particles than the ones farther away. As such, the system needs to undergo a periodic sanitation system (i.e. butt wash). This is almost mandatory during events of defecation or exotic mating rituals.
2. Tail
If one grows one's hair long enough, it may become part of a beautiful mane that rivals that of black beauty or several legendary unicorns. Due to many years of manure treatment, such hair may even be considered voluptuous and silky to the specimens of the opposite gender. Even people with naturally frizzy hair may finally have the same tail as the pokemon, Ponyta.
The periodic sanitation system mentioned a paragraph ago will have to be undertaken with greater frequency due to the potential of larvae infestations or fungal outgrowth due to having your butt hair exposed to the elements. Such larval infestations and fungal outgrowth must be eliminated, lest they form colonies within your large intestine.
3. Birthmark
If the hair follicles form a pentagram, you may very well be the next Antichrist. Let your presence be hearkened by streets drenched with the lamentations of mothers and the sweet blood of innocent newborns.
WRATH
Who are we kidding? Most people hate butt hairs. They are unappealing to all those, except to about one percent of the population. To all those who have butt hairs, one must either hide it as best they can until after marriage (arranged by refusal to partake in any mating ritual that exposes the backside) or must eliminate it before exposure to other humans. Unfortunately, we don't live in an era where eliminating butt-hairs is just an injection away… thus we have to rely on more primitive methods…
1. Tearing the Hair
This is highly undesirable as doing so may cause extreme discomfort or pain and may even result in wounds exposed to defecation. Also, fecal matter buildup on the hairs may become entrenched within the openings of your fingernails. This is only recommended to safe and sanitary sadomasochists.
2. Trimming / Waxing
This is the route undertaken by most people afflicted with excessive hair syndrome. One must be careful as misplaced jabbing by a sharp object or waxing over a sensitive skin patch may yield the same results as tearing the hair in the first place. The skin patch closer toward the butt patch may be trickier to navigate and is better treated by a professional or a willing significant other.
3. Chemotherapy
With the technological advances in nuclear medicines, one may calculate the attenuation properties of certain radioactive substances and expose the hair papilla and the rest of the dermal tissue covering the buttocks to intense radiation. You will either have a smooth layer of scar tissue covering your posterior, suffer high cellular degradation resulting in the loss of your butt altogether, or undergo horrendous genetic mutations that may range anywhere from malignant melanoma to one of the three forms:
I sincerely hope that you are satisfied with this blog, nocoolnamejim.
Warmest Regards,
31160618
This blog concerns a topic that laughlyn12 would like me to cover. If there is a specific topic you'd like me to cover, go here and type it in the comments section (read the blog to know protocols regarding the topic).
My Fellow Playa's,
Welcome to "Sexy Back". Get your sexy on...
| laughlyn12 wrote: |
| Where the hell did sexy go that it had to be brought back? And if it was missing, when did it leave and why wasn't I informed? Who left the door open so sexy could escape? |
I'm very glad that you have asked those questions.
Now, we all have different opinions about sexy. Mine may seem particularly grotesque and macabre to those with dulled senses, but most of humanity may not appreciate the carefully chiseled attributes of a fine look'n carbon-based sentient being, robot, or weapon (i.e. Desert Eagle or Rambo) and I accept that. Just because what I find sexy, may be atrocious to the rest of humanity... doesn't mean that the rest of humanity has a demented fascination for botox-injected, anorexic, sex-deprived, anime girls (i.e. sorostitutes...)... but I digress. I'm here to answer laughlyn12's questions... and by golly that's what I'll do.
For the sake of objectivity and simplicity, I will limit the topic within the context of Justin Timberlake's song "Sexy Back" because this topic was posted in lieu of a blog that references that song. I'll be honest, this song may or may not express my, Timberlake's, laughlyn12, or anyone else's concept of sexy. I particularly found this song vomitingly repetitive, but have found myself humming the tune when I'm shooting at the gun range, beating up a punching bag (with 'Foolz3h' written on it), or undergoing any activity that requires my utmost hatred. In any case, I'm simply going to try to emulate the "essence" of this song and answer to my best ability each and every one of laughlyn12's questions.
1. Where the hell did sexy go that it had to be brought back?
At the very beginning of this song, we find our good man, Justin Timberlake, strolling through some sort of office dwelling... probably during the event of an orgy as is the usual case in all office dwellings (usually occurring between nap time and snack breaks). To prove the point that this was occurring during an orgy, I have done my best to accurately map out the corridor that Justin Timberlake was strolling through using the most advanced image rendering and an elite team of CAD programmers recruited from MIT. Please notice the abundance of make out sessions.
There also happens to be this mystery woman who also happens to be strolling in through the same corridor. In most countries, what Justin Timberlake is doing in this video is considered "stalking". However in this particular country, the legal system allows Justin Timberlake apparently to follow whoever he wants without any prosecution. In addition to that, come on... who would refuse the sexual advances of Justin Timberlake? Oh wait a second...
Depending on your interpretation of events, several events can be ascribed to as sexy, where it goes and how it is brought back. For many sex-deprived Timberlake fans, the concept of sexy is manifested by Justin Timberlake and the act of it coming back is this song which brings back his career from shambles (i.e. showcasing Janet Jackson's right breast during the Super Bowl, starring in Shrek 3, and toking up on drugs to suppress his depression after breaking up with Britney Spears).
For me, I believe it goes much deeper than that. As seen in the beginning, the mystery lady can partake in any of the animalistic mating rituals being conducted by the inhabitants (usual during the harvest period in agrarian societies). However, the lady is disinterested... hence sexy is gone for her. The sexy has gone into the refusal to take part in the atavistic mating ritual. Justin Timberlake, tempts her by showcasing all the positive attributes of macho chauvinism (i.e. stalking, voyeurism, breaking and entering, having awkward sex with a complete stranger, and dancing around with a cowboy handkerchief and disco balls).
When Justin Timberlake copulates with the mystery lady (starting at 2:51), sexy reappears for her and the song is validated. However, I'll admit that if Justin Timberlake was smacked in the face when he broke into the lady's apartment or if Justin Timberlake was blown into smithereens... it would have validated it very much so for me.
2. And if it was missing, when did it leave and why wasn't I informed?
I just told you when sexy did leave. In addition to the above explanation, sexy probably left when you entered this world and your umbilical cord was severed. You weren't informed because your mother does not love you.
3. Who left the door open so sexy could escape?
This song has three apparent plot lines. One is where Justin Timberlake pursues the mystery lady (played by Elena Anaya) in the office dwelling. The second is where Justin Timberlake is in his apartment putting tape on his door because Justin Timberlake is paranoid of the paparazzi, while the mystery lady is using a knife to tear the keyboard off of a laptop (probably to rewire the circuit boards so that the computer can play a super nintendo or a sega genesis). The third is where Justin Timberlake is dancing in a disco ball room while wearing cowboy gear (missing the hat). Because it can not be seen, but only speculated on, the third plot line may revolve around Justin Timberlake trying to master a round of DDR. I believe that the door was left open at the end of the song with the second plot line, so that sexy (or the lady's perception of what is sexy) escapes rather than have it blown into smithereens.
There can also be several other metaphorical symbols and hypotheticals alluding to Justin Timberlake (the lady's manifestation of sexy) escaping. If the bomb was rigged to a timer, maybe having sexual intercourse with Justin Timberlake was a way of having Justin Timberlake wait until the timer is set so that Justin Timberlake would hop back into his room when the bomb exploded. However, Timberlake is as nimble as the Gingerbread Man and narrowly escapes certain death by seeing the door was forced open with the wine glass smashed. This hypothetical can be discredited as that the lady may not have wanted Timberlake dead or that the lady would not know when the bomb was rigged as both Justin Timberlake and the mystery lady were too busy engaged in carnal pleasures to pay attention to beads breaking, clothes, or a dog barking. On a side note, the comical value of this clip could have been increased substantially if the climax during the copulation coincided with the explosion.
I sincerely believe that the person who left the proverbial door open was literally the person who rigged the bomb... as he literally left the door open after rigging the bomb. Once Timberlake noticed the door was open, he jumped into another balcony to escape the explosion and presumably to copulate with whatever strange man/woman lived next door (as he has experience in such matters).
I sincerely hoped you enjoyed this explanation, laughlyn12.
With warmest regards,
31160618
