Happy Christmas!

• 31Dec 09

  The Decade That Was Part One

  Disclaimer: this blog is satire and contains things you may find offensive. If you do, then you shouldn't have read should you? Oh, and the fact that it's satire doesn't mean I support the war in Iraq. Or maybe it does, I'm not entirely sure how satire works. But then again neither are most people who like to stumble onto my blog and report it. So I suppose that makes us even. Well, it would if you got suspended for a week too.

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  This will be done entirely from memory, so if anything is missed you can blame my brain. However, the reason behind my long term memory loss is relevant to the decade. No, it is not the rise in methamphetamine use, though that can be attributed to my weight loss.

  Yes, just as the decade began it was already recovering from the largest catastrophe in the twentieth century: the Y2K bug. We were all recovering from the fact that the world did not end, and this took many years and nights of canned food dinners to come to terms with. Eventually, though, we recovered and life went on, but let us please takes a moment to remember all those who were so deeply affected by this major tragedy.

  Years later a terrorist attack killed over 2,000 American civilians. At the same time it also appeared as if Saddam Hussein was harbouring weapons of mass destruction, one of which was Osama Bin Laden, so America and friends decided to investigate. They didn't find Osama Bin laden, they didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, but they did find the mass murdering terrorist Saddam Hussein, and swiftly brought him to justice, along with 1,366,350 other people.

  However this led to large criticisms of George Bush, as apparently Osama Bin Laden was in Afghanistan, and much time had been wasted searching Iraq. A young man known by his supporters as Barrack "Hussein" Obama was elected. The entire world rejoiced. There were those that said he got in on the black vote, but considering that black people don't vote, and that Obama is only half black, that would have got him very few votes, so it's fair to say that he won fairly. Except for in Florida obviously, where the John McCain "won" all his votes.

  But let's be honest, that's not funny, nor is it offensive. It's boring. I'm Australian, look at our Prime Minister:

  

  Rudd demonstrates what he did to the stripper before she knocked him out.

  Look at our old one:

  

  Howard discovers Rudd has won the election.

  Yeah, now you know why voting is compulsory in Australia, because if it wasn't nobody would vote. So let's talk about something a little more interesting. This decade was a big one for Australian sport—as it always is, but it wasn't an entirely successful one unfortunately. In the Rugby we discovered that if you had one girly player who was pretty rubbish, as the English would say, at playing Rugby, but good at kicking, you could use him as a cheating device to easily beat teams who attempted to actually play Ruggers.

  You know, the contact sport where you're meant to run into the end zone. Wait, wrong sport—but it turns out that if you get the girly player to shoot a lot then you can accumulate enough points to beat the team trying to win with touch downs. It's a disgrace. Because of this we decided to put a little more money into football. It had been proposed that we instead transfer players over from the AFL into the national Rugby team, but unfortunately most of them were too small, and rumours of a gay-lick sport weren't too promising for the full body man-on-man contact sport of Rugby. I mean, anal gauging is as intimate as Rugby players are willing to get. Besides, they actually played sport with Irishmen.

  

  He looks girlier in motion.

  To be fair, the sport did consist of the Australians literally beating the Irishmen, but it was still too much of a risk (God knows what STD they could've got from the Irish). So after the failed 2002 World Cup qualifying campaign the FFA got a rich person to take over and as we all know in football: rich people get results. Four years later and the rich person hired a Dutch person and as we all know: Dutch people buy results—or was that Italians? Nevertheless he got them.

  Australia got to the world cup, and saw that their strategy of pumping money into football (instead of pumping the ball long on the field) to help Rugby may in fact work. Šimunić who was an Australian playing for Croatia performed many successful rugby tackles during the game against Australia, though they still lost because they didn't have a designated kicker as girly as Harry Kewell. But in the next round Australia faced Italy, and as we all know: Italians buy results. Plus, they had a lot of girly designated kickers, so it was never going to be much of a contest.

  

  Croatia had no chance.

  But worse than that after the successful years of Steven Ro"d"ger Waugh at the head of the Australian cricket team during the Y2K recovery years, Ricky Ponting took over. At first he continued to bring the Australian cricket team success—but this was at a time where we were still doing okay with Rugby, so nobody really cared, plus he was a complete ****. In fact, everyone hated him. He might be able to hit a ball, but so can a lot of Americans. Wait, we're pretty good at that too—the yanks can't hit balls as good we can in their own sport as we can! And let's not even start on the Japanese. I mean, the Americans are so insecure about their sports that they have to have World Series where only they can participate. This isn't related to this decade, but come on! We might participate in the commonwealth games out of charity, and we might be competing against ourselves for gold, but we do let other countries try and win silver and bronze! Still, you can keep your water polo and lacrosse. The latter isn't even a real sport.

  Err, yes England beat us in the Ashes. ENGLAND! But we didn't learn. We still pumped more and more money into football like the fools that we were, thinking that we'd still at least win the Rugby League World Cup! How naïve. (Though at least New Zealand still didn't win anything—in Rugby union anyway.) At first it was just South Africa that posed a threat in the cricket—we could live with that I suppose. We'd still always come first at least, right? That's only one position lower than before, but then something happened. Something unprecedented in modern Cricket. (Apart from Australia losing the Ashes to England). All those crappy little countries that began their junior cricket years by playing Rounders started competing with Australia.

  Yet still Ricky Ponting is captain. Sure, McGrath, Gilchrist, Hayden, Warne etc. have all retired or in the case of Hussey should have, but I think it's fair to say that all the blame lies with Ricky Ponting. He is a complete **** after all.

  

  'Nough said.

  Well personally I'm pleased. Watching Australia win everything got pretty boring—that's right, it managed to make cricket boring, which is an achievement in and of itself.

  Speaking of boring I am going to have to mention Australian politics. This was the decade that Australia reiterated his strong stance on aboriginals, both in terms of apologizing to them for stealing their children, and then also apologising for stealing their children. Now, neither Rudd nor Howard (the apologist and non-apologist respectively) of these men had anything to do with stealing their children, but both have played a part in intervening to stop aborigines beating their children. My guess is it'll be another fifty years before someone apologises for that, though by then there probably won't be any aborigines around left to forgive them.

  But Howard did many things for white Australians. From higher taxes to higher interest rates, he single handedly saved the Australian economy, and was Prime Minister for most of the decade, and some time before it! Probably, I wasn't alive then, so how would I know? Erm, I mean I wasn't following politics, which in a way is a form of death. To live without democracy is to die, amirite? Or was that socialism?

  

  The Joker.

  Ah socialism, this was the decade that heralded the introduction of America's first socialist president. Barack Obama, a man of the people, taking money from his people like all socialist bastards do.

  ***SPOILER***

  And giving it back to them, as socialism is meant to. Unlike, you know, capitalistic taxes which just get spent on the war effort. Though not on protective armour, medical care, or pensions for the soldiers.

  After George Bush's reign America was ready for change, and so far Obama has clearly delivered. From health reform to winning a Nobel Prize he's done more than Bush did. And to those that say that the Nobel Prize isn't deserved may I just point out the facts? He's pulled out of Iraq, and closed down some detention centres. He's doing everything he can to stop war.

  ***SPOILER***

  He's also opened a few more detention centres, is sending 30,000 odd more troops to Afghanistan to help with the war for peace effort, and likes rap music. Likes rap music? What a despicable man.

  

  America's first socialist president.

  Just as Australia was recovering from the Children Overboard Affair (a computer bug on an asylum seeker ship caused several children to be thrown overboard by dirty immigrants) Sri Lanka decided to send some Tamil immigrants to Australia by boat, rather than by plane directly to Melbourne as is the normal practice. This and the influx of those terrorist Indonesians led to tax payers having to waste money on comfortable accommodation for them known as detention centres, which should not be confused with American ones where prisoners are tortured. Here, they even have the freedom to sow their lips closed! If they had the freedom to do that back in whatever hell hole they came from then they would've stayed there.

  Some Australian tourists were killed in a terrorist attack in Bali. At first it was suspected that an Indonesian Islamic terrorist group was responsible for it, and in fact some supposed Islamic terrorists were executed for it, but I have another theory. I don't want to sound like a conspiracy theorist or anything, but I think Bias B was responsible for the attack. He openly boasts about it on his song Bundle of Bees:

  "My lyrics are ballistic ball bearing bombs in bags blowing up in Bali."

  Once again, rap is evil. He's a graffiti vandal as well.

  On top of that Schapelle Corby was arrested for smuggling marijuana into Indonesia. This incident would be known in the Australian media as the Schapelle show. She was a bogan so nobody really cared about her, though she was in an Islamic country and a woman, so she did have her supporters. Nine of which tried smuggling drugs to her in gaol, but they too were arrested. A model tried as well, and we discovered just how much she suffered under the perils of a Bali gaol when she announced that she had converted to Islam, and when she returned home she said many friends had deserted her when they learned of this fact. But when you convert to Islam you have to know that there will be consequences.

  Van Nguyen was executed in Singapore for drug trafficking, but luckily he was Asian and smuggling heroin, so the Australian public could have a clean conscience in the government not really doing much to stop him being executed. Just think of all the people his heroin would have killed anyway. It was probably for the best.

  "I don't believe in capital punishment, he was a convicted drug trafficker and that is to be wholly condemned...don't have anything to do with drugs. Don't use them, don't touch them, don't carry them, don't traffic in [sic] them and don't imagine for a moment — for a moment — that you can risk carrying drugs anywhere in Asia without suffering the most severe consequences."

  Well said, Mr. Howard, well said. But wait, what about your good friend George W. Bush? Maybe we should execute him too? Besides, being Australian, I'm sure you love a drink, and probably partake in a strong cup of coffee in the morning, so I say we execute you too.

  Now I don't believe in capital punishment, but you shouldn't have anything to do with drugs. Don't use them, don't touch them, don't inhale them, and don't imagine for a moment that you can have anything to do with drugs and not suffer the most severe consequences. Unless you're a politician.

  That's enough about politicians for the moment. Let me lighten the mood up by talking about a group of people a little less despicable. The child predator. Yes, I can just say that thank God for the first six years of the decade the paedophiles were recovering from the Y2k bug with the rest of us, so I escaped the molestation that one in four children face today. Yes, it was hard to go anywhere on the internet without accidentally stumbling onto child pornography, or walking down the street without being flashed by some man with a beard and glasses whose mother never told him that she loved him.

  Or even worse than that, if your child wasn't molested, then you had to deal with all the paedophiles living near you. You had to spend many sleepless nights in constant vigil outside their house, throwing rocks, with your picket signs at the ready. It was hard work, and those signs didn't buy themselves! On top of that more money had to be wasted on important educational information to give to one's child, and they often had to be left home alone on those long nights spent camping outside a paedophile's house. What torture it was!

  And yet those fat cats in government let predators like Bill Henson parade through the school, half naked and leering down at our young innocent children, stripping them naked on the spot and flashing and violating them with hot lights and celluloid film. And they call that art! Sure, I can see the artistic value in his photography of the poor disaffected youths—all above the age of consent. Sure, they might be a little titillating—hey, I don't know art but I do know what I like to masturbat—erm, I mean the thought of those paedophiles touching themselves in the privacy of their own home to pictures of children disgusts me.

  Kevin Rudd himself said that Bill Henson's photographs were some of the most disgusting images he's seen, and he's seen Alexander Downer in fish nets and high heels! The man knows what he's talking about, I mean considering he's never been to a strip club and almost passed out, he's definitely got the moral high ground here.

  

  Alexander Downer in fish nets.

  Yet it's clear that the politicians aren't doing enough to stop paedophilia. Tony Abbott hasn't even been expelled from parliament, and he's a Catholic!

  

  Believe me, he's not wearing that for gay rights.

  Oh God, I'm back to politicians. Well I may as well stay with them. The election that dethroned Howard was a special one. After all the failed campaigns led by Kim Beazley Labor decided it was time to take a bite out of the competition, but not literally this time. (Yes I went there.) To do this they decided not to come up with their own policies, but to put forth weaker policies of the Liberals (the right wing party in Australia, and you might think that's a joke, but it isn't). The liberals responded by putting forth stronger versions of Labor's policies which ironically were their normal policies. Except with less apologies to aborigines, but absolutely no more intervention than Labor.

  Oh yes, the intervention. I can't actually remember if I've mentioned it before, but remember how America tested all those vaccines on the black population before they tested them on the white? You know, harmless stuff like small pox and malaria, and aids. (They're practically monkeys anyway, which is how the rumours of monkeys causing aids came about. It wasn't some primitive native copulating with a monkey, it was a white American copulating with a black one.)

  Well, this was kinda like that. You see, now all white Australians (that is, all poor white Australians) can now too experience the joys of not owning their money, nor even their children in fact. But poor people are usually paedophiles, or aborigines, so it's probably for the best.

  Speaking of poverty, dieting became a new world wide craze. Thanks to advances in medical research it was discovered that obesity and diet led directly to all health issues. Even issues with glands and fluid retention which can cause obesity, were caused by diet. This cold scientific fact was proved indisputably through correlations and causal effects, and other such extensive research big words. The world reacted immediately, no longer wanting to die at unprecedented ages like seventy to ninety, they started taking all the diet pills, diet foods, and surgical procedures they could to help with their health, because nothing is better for you than anesthesia and drugs and carbohydrates, and the stress of trying to be healthy.

  Yo Foolz3h, I'm really happy for you, and I'mma let you finish, but Resident Evil Fan-Service was one of the best blogs of this decade. One of the best blogs of this decade.

  

  That's not what I actually look like.

  This is:

  

  • Posted Dec 31, 2009 11:02 am GMT
  • Category: General
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• 26Dec 09

  It's That TIme of the Year Again, Again

  I told CT2manynumbers I'd post what I got for Christmas, so I will. This year had a rather large amount of money-related items exchanged, and I would just like to heartily thank America and England's self-destructive economies for making it possible.

  I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

  And that thing I was talking about with 100 illustrations? It made it to 100! And took about 4 hours to record. And I also had to do 38 pages of scribblings for something else. And of course write an edit another 25,000 word story. I suppose I'll call some of these presents my payment! When I sell them, that is.

  I also seem to have broken my finger while doing a wood cut for a poem for a present. (Cutting through wood is painful. You have to use your fingernails!) It makes Tekken hard to play.

  Games:
  Tekken 6 (PS3)
  Mirror's Edge (PS3)
  Disaster: Day of Crisis (Wii)
  Raving Rabbids (Wii)
  Red Alert 2 (PC)
  Broken Sword Trilogy (PC)
  Mass Effect (PC)
  Hotel Dusk (DS)

  
  Books:
  The Pocket Book of Boosh
  Soccer Boom The Transformation of Victorian Soccor Culture 1945-1963
  
  CDs:
  Ivens - Sounds to Expire to
  The Residents - Icky Flix
  The Streets - A Grand Don't Come For Free
  Slaughterhouse - Slaughterhouse (signed)
  
  DVDs:
  A Scanner Darkly
  Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
  StyIe Wars
  
  Other:
  A suite of original piano music from my sister, two original short stories from my mother, and asorted edible items.

  I may have forgotten a thing or two!

  • Posted Dec 26, 2009 11:54 am GMT
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• 24Dec 09

  It's that time of the year again

  Happy New Year.

  ***SPOILER***

  Happy Christmas and Merry Holidays!

  Also, can someone tel me why my RSS feed is currently several thousand feeds long. It'd go down great in Africa I'm sure, but not here!

  And I seem to have lost and emblem! Thanks for the Christmas present GS!

  • Posted Dec 24, 2009 1:20 pm GMT
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• 20Dec 09

  So I'm starting to get the feeling that GS is...

  Homophobic. Now I'm not one to make apparently outlandish claims without evidence (just ask MetalGear_Ninty). No, I've got evidence coming out the orifices like a gay man has p---wait, oh right, homophobia---better not.

  The first happening that happened was the 300 blog modding. Now that one was quite understandable. I mean it was very moddable. I understand that. Nevertheless it is the only blog I have ever posted that has been modded. Was it much more offensive than other ones? Not by a whole lot. It did however contain 90% more men engaging in sexual activities. That is the only difference. Sure, this is just a correlation, but let me continue (and bear in mind that I've had verbal hentai (involving machines and big-breasted women and alpha males), and Snake having glorious battle sex with a cybernetic ninja---I'm getting hot just thinking of it!):

  Rap music is meant to be very homophobic, misogynist (which is a form of homophobia many would tell you, of course they'd be right they were talking about homogenization) and just plain bad music. Well taking all of this into account you'd be surprised to find the well respected musical artist D'Angelo being discussed on a rap union. Not only was his critically acclaimed music being discussed, but so was his body. Oh yeah, it was accepted that it was pretty hot.

  

  But apparently this level of attraction backfired on him like a homose---err, like a car. Yes, D'Angelo (the only ever good urban artist) ended up being loved by women. And we all know what women's taste in music is like. They say you don't outgrow the music you like as a tween and teenager, and who has the worst taste ever? Young girls. Well, they liked him, so maybe they had good taste. No, they liked him for his body. So I suppose they did have good taste, but apparently the groupies weren't enough for him. No, he wanted to be liked for his music.

  In fact it turns out he thought that RnB was devoid of content and soul (yet didn't say this about rap, what an idiot amirite? Dude's a black man, though, so I suppose he can't help himself. IT's that gutter music that keeps them out of school and in the ghetto too. Shooting up schools and thinking they can only be something through becoming a gangster, rapper, gangster rapper, sportsman or gangster sportsman. Man if it wasn't for rap black people would be so better off. (And Obama likes that crap? Damn, I wish I hadn't voted for him.) So he was pretty pissed off that he wasn't liked for his music which was full of content and soul, and nude music videos.

  So ever since then he's disappeared and not made any music. Nor any soft-core pornography music videos, so both his female fans and his male fans are pretty pissed off about his absence. So on this obviously homophobia ridden forum after a group of (presumably) heterosexual males discussed his level of sexual attractiveness one pointed out that he should've thought of the consequences of doing the music video in question, and should've kept his top on.

  To this I said: "but his face is hot too, no homo somehow." Now, no homo is a humorous tongue in cheek (yes, tongue you pervert, and not another man's pe---) term used in the rap community to signify one's heterosexuality when saying things that could be interpreted as being homosexual. However it is not used when referring to another man kissing another man, for example:

  "And now I understand the meaning of love, when I kissed the"

  Raekwon – Ason Jones

  The word after 'the' is not no homo It is a common synonym for black man. I'm sure most of the white mods at GS and snitches will not only be full aware of word, but also what context to use it in, being so good at exhibiting such behaviour that white people who non-jokingly use the term do. Oh yeah, I did just make the comparison. Let's see if I get modded for it. At least I didn't compare them to Nazis, right?

  But speaking of Nazi-ism, they were homophobes too. It wasn't just the Jews that they liked to go around killing en masse, no they went for gypsies, homosexuals, the disabled, the mentally ill, the political, well pretty much everyone who took their fancy. Even the odd Aryan! And you know what? I fit into several of those categories (you can guess which). Now I don't want to make false implications about this, but let's be honest, it's got to be more than coincidence.

  So back to the body discussion. Not only was I modded and suspended for a day the whole discussion was deleted. For offensive content. Now I don't know about you, but I've seen threads on OT discussing women in far more sexual ways, in far more detail, and yet the only way they'll ever get deleted is if they fill up with spam. Yep, not offensive content, not even disruptive posting, but spam. Spam. And yet the funniest thing about this? You can't even say the c word. It's not a swear word, it's a God damn genuine anatomical word which is the female equivalent to the penis (Yes they actually have one). And that's not vagina You can say that.

  This place is like Grey's Anatomy. Not the show, the book. There's lots of mention of the c word on the show. Not that I've ever seen it. I'd comment on how dreamy McDreamy* is, but then I'd just get modded again. Err, the word in question has on and off been out of a medical journal. A genuine God damn medical journal! (An important one at that) How the hell can they justify that? Are they going to leave out the little finger at some point? Why the hell don't feminists complain about this? Huh? Well? Tell me, feminists, why the hell wouldn't you? I'm pissed off about and I hate feminists! That's right, I hate feminists. But listen, I don't hate them because of their women's rights, okay? It's kinda like why I hate mods: they're all homophobes. Fact: feminists are homophobes. They don't like lesbians, even if they would like to be one. No way are they willing to go any where near the c word. It's too much like a penis Eww!

  This might be one of my best blogs so catch it while you can! Now that people like to report my blogs. I've decided that I'll do something absolutely epic for the 2009 blog. Expect it on New Year's Eve. Which is the day before that for most of you. It'll be all the amazing events of the entire decade, and probably be a long series of blogs. Bear in mind one of my yearly blogs yearly blogs had five parts. So this'll be as epic as possible. Up the haters I say---I mean up yours the haters. Actually I can't say that, can I? No, up the haters it is!

  Long live Nazism and homophobia!

  *Microsoft Office 2007 suggested calling him McCreamy. God, that would be sexy. It's good to know that Bill Gates isn't a homophobe.

  

  • Posted Dec 21, 2009 1:48 am GMT
  • Category: Rant
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• 13Dec 09

  GoldenEye Wii or Perfect Dark HD?

  As we all know the Wii is rather underpowered, but while we all thought that as time went on developers would be able to extract something out of the system, the opposite has proven true with Metroid Prime 3 and Super Mario Galaxy both considered to be the system's best looking games. The latter certainly not on a technical level, though!

  So with the recent news that the GoldenEye remake on the 360 has been canned and may even be headed to the Wii, should we be happy that it still exists? I find this idea laughable. The fact is on the 360 the game could easily look like this picture:

  
  

  But in HD.

  Let us take a look at what it would look like on the Wii, at pathetic SD—oh! Sorry, "enhanced definition".

  

  Yep, that's the same female character.

  Of course we now know that there'll be an HD remake on the 360 which looks not a pixel less than this:

  

  Now let us observe what it would like on the Wii:

  

  Same character. Only the biggest Nintendo fan boy could not notice the difference. Yet the fact that there will be no Perfect Dark remake on the Wii raises an interesting point. Maybe the Wii isn't powerful enough? Certainly it was a technological marvel that the N64 could pull off Perfect Dark. A marvel that even required an upgrade! That little upgrade took it to PC levels of performance so that Perfect Dark was powerful. I mean do you really think the Wii is capable of graphics like this:

  

  Of course not! The N64 was one hell of a machine, sadly, the Wii is not. Even if they did manage to downgrade it would we still want to play it when we could play it on the N64 with superior controls and graphics? Let's be honest tacked on gimmicky waggle won't contribute anything to the controls and the IR (even with motion plus) on the Wii is highly inaccurate and cannot seriously compete with the N64's razor sharp analogue control.

  GoldenEye, admittedly, isn't as technically impressive, but while it would run, it's fair to say that it wouldn't be worth playing. It would look like this:

  

  Do we honestly want to play that? And you can imagine the frame rate when you've got four player split screen on! Ugh.

  You can't seriously say that a console that's best graphics are this:

  

  and:

  

  Could possibly pull of something graphically impressive, especially without HD? Compared to the Banjo HD remake on the 360 the difference is night and day:

  

  What a depressing joke you are Nintendo. I hope you can rely on those casuals in a few years down the track when they've moved away from Poniez 5: Twinkling Hooves and have grown up to be playing Gears of War seven. Then you'll be back where you were with the GameCube, which might I add was a great console, and you'll be in last place all over again. I await that day eagerly.

  If not let's hope Pachter was right about Wii Plus.

  • Posted Dec 14, 2009 4:52 am GMT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 8Dec 09

  3 Days Later

  Considering I was suspended for my review of 300 I won't bother linking you to another website where it is posted, but if you still want to read it, it's obvious what you must do. Wait, don't do that either as the mods can read PMs!

  So that you don't feel left out I have seen fit to rewrite it so that is suitable for GameSpot. Please enjoy it!

  P.S. I've been reconsidering my 2000s decade blog. If the 300 review got me a 3 days suspension God knows what a blog devoted to the age of Michael Jackson, Austrians, and Kevin Rudd would get me. :X

  I was flicking channels and stumbled across 300. It was surprising to see a film on that early with so much violence, but just to make sure I hadn't slipped ahead in time as I often do (seriously), I looked up at the clock then continued watching. Maybe that deep, penetrating spear that exploded with a ruby red burst of blood that drizzled across ripped bodies was a figment of my imagination. But I wasn't a psychopath so unlikely.

  Leonidas spied Xerxes from across the battlefield and immediately they each laid eyes on each other. Xerxes looked him up and down, especially down, and this angered Leonidas who just wanted the battle to be over. He launched forward another spear and it flew through the air magnificently before grazing Xerxes' cheek. He clearly found it a little painful, but deep down, his respect grew greatly for his opponent; a brave warrior.

  However a warrior's respect can quickly turn into anger when the respect is clearly not mutual; indeed Leonidas had forgotten all about him. He was lost in thoughts of his wife who he dearly missed. Xerxes could see this in Leonidas' eyes and knew he could use this to his advantage.

  But it is this distraction that temporarily becomes a motivation and as the odds continue to rise he gains the determination he needs to continue fighting. Alas after skewering several other warriors, and penetrating deep into the Persian's enemy lines he can fight not longer, and slips back to those images of his wife.

  Thousands of arrows rain down from above, and lost in his fantasy, he can do nothing to stop them. He is filleted on the spot just like he done to hundreds or thousands of Persians previously, and it is only a matter of time before the other Spartans must submit too.

  Despite all this and the themes of masculine courage and true blue okka mateship it still manages to provide good action. From the costumes to the bloom effects it looks very much like a 360 game, and it has the gameplay to match! Probably the best Halo clone this side of Metroid Prime 3. *

  8.5/10

  *That's right, Leonidas is really a robot! No wonder he could last so long before the climax of the film where he dies under the torrent of arrows. Energizer might have the rabbit, but Duracell has Leonidas, who is an entirely different breed of beast.

  • Posted Dec 8, 2009 10:40 am GMT
  • Category: Movies
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• 21Nov 09

  Metroid Prime review

  Yup, I'm actually posting a review. For the first time in a while! And it's a very odd review, and not just because of the score! Yes, you see that right 9.6. I win GS!

  Metroid Prime Review

  Read it, there's a whole lot of crap in it about a book, and a lot of other crap. Recommend it if you're feeling generous, or you just happen to like crap. Good work on that 2girls video if you do! You're famous now.

  That book with pictures I'm doign? Up to over 78 now, and I've been through 3 pens. And one wrist. All this work and I don't even get paid!

  If you would like to pay me PM me an I will tell you how. It'd be worth it! You'd get the feeling you get when you do a good deed, only instead of feeding a starving child, you're feeding an anorexic. Not nervosa, see? I do deserve your charity! So please, plaese, forward all your money ASAP. It's the only thing I can eat these days.

  Enjoy the review!

  • Posted Nov 21, 2009 10:34 am GMT
  • Category: Games
  • 21 Comments

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• 11Nov 09

  Australian Moon

  I believe I was tagged. So, after being more than fashionably late, I will post some things.

  1. I recently finished a 185,000 word long novel. (600-800 pages long). This is my second longest novel. Interestingly apparently The Fortunes of Richard Mahoney is meant to be one of the longest Australian novels. And it's 3 parts at 800 pages! So I think it's fair to say I am quite clearly the most prolific Australian writer of all time. So fact 1: most prolific author of all time.

  2. By aproximate effort I have written 1.5million to 2million words of fiction since 2006.

  3. I play wall tennis regularly, which is basically squash on concrete. Apparently the cross trainers and tennis racquets aren't designed for that kind of thing.

  4. Note all the dried faeces on the shoe. Possums use our front path as a toilet. (And Kangaroos use the foot path as a road, but that's a whole other story.)

  5. This is what the Australian moon looks like at night. It looks much the same at day time, only it's harder to see.

  6. Speaking of writing The Average Ignorant was nominated twice in some awards competition on some terrible union (I'm only there for the lulz, of course) without actually having a single comment on it. Read it here. And comment if you do.

  7. Speaking of speaking of writing Noodles has received many comments at that union but never been nominated. read it here, and nominate it, but don't comment.

  8. Everything that is not alive is currently commiting suicide. The hard drive died in the computer I normally use at exactly the same time that the motherboard died in the laptop which I would have used in the computer's absence. Most things were backed up, but I lost about 5,000 words of a story that needs to be finished by Christmas and the instrumental files required for editing several songs.

  9. It's currently been raining for the past several years.

  10. It hasn't literally been doing so. There's no need to worry about Global Warming in Australia because we'll all have died from dehydration long before them. Bloody kangaroos will take over more than the roads then. -_-

  11. I have also written another story which I am currently illustrating. There will be aproximately 100 (50 are completed) illustrations...thing is, the story is 60 pages long...

  • Posted Nov 11, 2009 11:32 am GMT
  • Category: Rant
  • 30 Comments

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• 22Sep 09

  Wonderfalls: a Feminist Review

  Wonderfalls is a show that has garnered a cult following. Following the exploits of young woman Jaye Tyler who is smart and witty, it at first glance appears to be a positive show with the right intentions. Jaye has a philosophy degree and seemingly the world at her finger tips, yet if we look a little closer we find that Jaye is working as a sales clerk and living in a trailer park. Her sister, who is a lesbian, and her mother who looks and acts like the perfect 1950s housewife are the only two women in the show with any success.

  

  
  
  Note the devil horns above her symbolising her female-inborn sin. Please.
  
  Yet Jaye isn't happy in her position of failure in life, so maybe it's not all bad? But alas, it is! In a fit of mental illness brought about by finding out that Alec, a young teenage boy in high school, was promoted instead of her, she begins talking to inanimate objects. Wait, this is still sounding very reasonable isn't it? This is the sort of injustice that woman suffer through every day of their lives.
  
  Maybe her mental illness will inspire her to try that little harder (just as all woman must) to try and find some semblance of success. But no, instead it inspires in her her maternal instinct, encouraging her to help others, rather than develop the cut throat attitude required for women to succeed in a modern patriarchal society.
  
  She sets about blindly following what these objects tell her to do, as if following her own instincts, and thus ignoring her rational female-mind. Meanwhile she meets Eric Gotts at a bar (Jaye is an alcoholic) and is immediately infatuated. The show goes on to reveal that Jaye has spent her life breaking men's hearts, yet it presents this in a negative way, while also using her relationship with Eric as a catalyst for her to 'mend' her ways and become a good little housewife, ready to ignore her own desires and needs for her man.
  
  Ironically it is this love that the show says she needs to get her out of her slump—out of the trailer park and into the kitchen?—and find success. Indeed, when the conniving, brain dead bimbo wins back her husband, she falls into an even deeper stupor, spending the day crying and pining over her lost love.
  
  Her love for him also seems to be more maternal than carnal, encouraging him to be happy even if it's without her, and the sex in the show (excluding sex involving her black friend Mahendra and a Russian mail order bride, I say excluding for a reason) is a scene in which Eric's wife is seen pleasuring a bellboy, thus showing that sex is something designed solely for a man's pleasure.

  

  
  
  As you can see here she is leaning forward to ready herself to be 'punished' by her boss, and once again this symbolises that she does not in any way enjoy sexual intercourse, even with a younger man.
  
  Yet when they do fall into each others arms by the end of the series we find that she has found happiness, and that there may be the opportunity for success, showing that only through a man could she possibly be able to be anything more than a sales clerk ordered around by teenage boys.
  
  Her lesbian sister symbolises this in the basest of ways—if a woman cannot find success through a man, but still wants to find success, she must become a man to do so. But it's not just rampant sexism that Wonderfalls displays. I mentioned the mail order bride and black friend earlier.
  
  Now, it goes without saying that a mail order bride is inherently sexist, but this mail order bride is one so stupid and desperate for love that she fell in love with the man buying and selling her like meat. And who was that man? A twelve year old boy. And what became of her? She ended up with his father—once again showing that a woman can only find happiness by fulfilling their most basest of instincts—maternity.
  
  But she also enjoys sex, something only demonstrated with non-white females. Mahendra, Jaye's friend, also enjoys sex. Clearly demonstrating the belief that blacks are of an inferior race to whites and ruled by carnal desires. In fact, all the non-white characters in the show are portrayed in a negative light, from the abusive, obese black female police officer in Crime Dog to the young black thief in Caged Bird.

  

  That's not your imagination. She does look like a watermelon.

  While Caged Bird does feature a bank robber who is white, it is worth noting that they state explicitly that he is not evil because he is an organ donor, yet none of the black characters are treated in such a way.
  
  Not only that but in the episode Totem Mole native Americans are portrayed as greedy, money hungry, superstitious imbeciles. Indeed, the highly successful female native lawyer Deanna Lightfoot develops a delusion after Jaye's lesbian sister succumbs to her male instinct of violence and locks her in a sauna. After developing the delusion, she emerges nude from the sauna, much to the enjoyment of the lesbian and male onlooker, thus further demonstrating what a woman's worth really is.
  
  Indeed, she then leaves her career as a lawyer to become a Native American seer and thus the heterosexual, unmarried, successful woman has successfully been put back in her rightful place in society, both as a native and woman.
  This is the final nail in the sexist and racist coffin for Wonderfalls. The show is full of hatred and suppression and should not be seen by any clear-thinking woman, and should be rightfully shunned and detested.

  

  Again with the devil horns. Apparently they've not heard of subtelty or cIass.

  All is wonderful in Wonderfalls; but only if you are a misogynist, racist man. For once the highly sexist Fox network made a decision that actually benefited women, instead of further lining the pockets of their all male board.
  And I didn't even mention the exorcism.
  
  
  

  • Posted Sep 22, 2009 12:38 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
  • 33 Comments

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• 31Aug 09

  Long Awaited, and Highly Anticipated (by two people)

  Well, you know that photo blog? Here's another one. Click on images then click on it again to enlarge it. Some would call that double clicking, but you have to wait for the page to load. Or squint a lot.

  

  If the people that lived in that house saw this they'd be pissed. Actually, they'd be too stoned to be pissed. (Of course, considering the amount of drink they take in they'd be pissed now!)*

  

  Why the hell is it so hard to focus something well when you're staring into light? Oh yeah BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING BLINDED! The loss of eye sight was worth it IMO, of course now i can't appreciate the beauty of the photo. Oops.

  

  You might think it's strange that I'm repeatedly showing this photo, but it's to demonstrate what it looks like through their eyes; when you're tripping the world's constantly changing!

  

  Okay, this is probably illegal. Not taking the photo, but writing "Foolz" on somebody's front wall.

  

  As you can see they're finally beginning to build roads in Australia. I'm not a fan of it. I saw a car going past yesterday and almost had a heart attack at its speed. It must've been doing at least 50!

  

  Red and Blue. What you can't see is me prying open the car's caboose with a crow bar. The car alarm didn't go off. Take that progress! There was LSD inside. It must've belonged to the people in that house.

  

  HOLY CRAP! A FREAKING LASER JUST DROVE PAST! What the hell was in that LSD? It's not meant to make you see **** like that!

  

  Bad trip, man, bad trip! I can see a freaking ghost, and it's not like those normal ghosts, it's a possum, and I'm like I thought only people could be ghosts cause only people can go to heaven, and then like it disappeared and I thought that maybe it was a midget, and then liked I swallowed my tongue.

  

  OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I'm freaking out! I can taste my own tongue, and it tasted like progress. I think I'm going to vomit!

  

  Oh God! Oh Man! Oh God! Oh Man! It's getting darker, and he's getting more visible. Oh Jesus (forgive me father!) he must be possessing me!

  

  I can feel him inside my body, and he's, and he's...Oh God no!

  

  What the hell was that? Is that an angel? Am I dead, oh God!

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  *I'm just kidding! I don't know these people. This isn't slander because it isn't true! Or is that what makes it slander?

  P.S. I posted this blog using the arm rest of a leather arm chair as my mouse pad. Next time I will use your mother's bareback, and I will do so bareback. (It's kinda hard to use a mouse with a condom on it.)

  • Posted Aug 31, 2009 3:25 pm GMT
  • Category: Cars
  • 27 Comments

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• 15Jul 09

  @Nobody in Particular

  Hey,

  To whoever is reading this due to it being tagged as an editorial my apologies. But congrats on acutally reading a blog for once, shame it's one that you shouldn't be reaidng!

  To everybody else should I start using @? Your results will be tallied and going by most votes, 49% of you will be screwed.

  Oh, and more photos for Turbo later. But I've got writing to edit.

  /wrists

  • Posted Jul 15, 2009 12:29 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
  • 29 Comments

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• 6Jul 09

  Photos or Everything You Need to Stalk Be---Foolz3h (56K)

  Hey, after witnessing Australia beat Japan 2-1 awhile ago I thought to myself after arriving home: what better way to celebrate than get out the tripod and camera and take photos? These are the results. All taken on my street, so you will now have enough information to find me/and or kill me. Jamie, I'm onto you!

  EDIT: Okay it seems to be working now! CLICK THOSE IMAGES OR SQUINT!

  CLICK ON THE PHOTOS TO ENLARGE THEM! (If imgbay continues to not work I'll upload them on photograph. Some you might want to zoom in for the best effect. Or at least make them larger than they are here on GS! You could always cheat and save them. If you want the original photos without the Foolz mark PM me. Except for Scorpins_Tiger. He can just remove it himself and add in his own. IN THE MEAN TIME THEY CAN BE VIEWED HERE AT A SLIGHTLY LARGER RESOLUTION! Hopefully bayimg is back soon. Stupid pirates.
  

  

  This was a pain in the arse to focus. Not only was it dark but the light was shining in through the viewfinder. This was the sharpest I could come up with, and I am now legally blind in one of my eyes.

  

  My corner. That's the family car conveniently creating the light! Yeah, kinda hard to use any random car driving past when you've got to expose the photo for 10 seconds!

  

  The same phot you say? Nay! The car is in a slightly differnet position. Fog!!!!

  

  I wonder if they care that I photographed their car. Well, even if they do they aren't getting any royalties.

  

  My front fence and somebody else's. I'll leave it to your imagination and non-gender specific intution to figure which. For the record if you go into the wrong house and kill the wrong person I cannot be held legally responsible. I hope.

  

  No, it's not the same photo! When I was looking through them and I saw the green on the right I nearly had a heart attack. I need to go back out there and devote a whole series to that poisoned ivy. It'll be my revenge for a certin itchy Christmas day incident.

  

  The person who owned that garage used to keep cIassic cars in it. It probably won't be long before it's puled down and turned into a generic two story building as well. Which reminds me, I need to go and photograph Jaques...

  

  That didn't stop a single car from driving down there, though. And their stupidity was chronicled for the ages. I'm too nice to show it on here, though! Well, maybe if there's a part 2...

  

  My block and more. And there's that mysterious car again.

  

  The roof of somebody's house. Possibly mine.

  

  Rich--err, my block isn't racist, so here's the black and white verson.

  

  My corner. Clearly the road is closed! You can even see t from here.

  

  Somebody's fence again, and no the shadow of the tripod and camera wasn't an accident. Or at least that's what I'll say.

  

  No, it's not an ocopus.

  

  Yes, it is an octopus.

  

  This was the first large truck that's gone past in years. In fact my mother was remarking on the lack of trucks in recent years just moment before it drove past.

  

  Just to prove once and for all that we have no problem with coloured octopii.

  Well that's all of them for now. If you liked them I can post more from this particular excursion.

  P.S. Michael Bay ate my baby.

  • Posted Jul 6, 2009 9:08 am GMT
  • Category: N/A
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• 27Jun 09

  Leave Michael alone!

  Somebody else also died I think. Something about taps…anyway I must admit that this little problem is probably my fault. You see due to a lack of inspiration you will have noticed that a large proportion of my recent blogs have indeed been devoted around those that some might call my readers, others might call them people who are forced to comment on my blog so that I comment on theirs. Yet these same people never seem to be fully satisfied! I write an amazing 1,000 word achievement and all I get is "it should be about Satan and be a list" and "it should rhyme" well I don't see you writing 1,000 word blogs! Well, in the case of the latter sometimes they are much longer but that is besides the point! You've had your recognition—you've been on the soapbox, and I've got what? I've got a broken heart of shattered dreams and a poetical talent for metaphor!
  Of course taking into consideration bozanimal's moderation, if I was on the soapbox metal gear porn probably would have got me banned. But considering none of you guys care I suppose it wouldn't matter!

  Here's a list of why you shouldn't tell me to do things:

  1. So, if I don't get onto the soapbox with this then Satan, Lucifer, Woland, azzazalo and the devil will be angry enough to kill whoever reads editorials, and make them corporeal. That rhymed, I wish I had time to continue, but I don't, so I won't.

  
  Now, now that you know never to ask for anything ever again let me say up yours, because now I am yet again out of ideas. Thanks for nothing!

  • Posted Jun 27, 2009 1:51 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
  • 35 Comments

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• 12Jun 09

  A Thousand Words Say a Picture

  

  A picture says a thousand words, or so they say. But the above picture is the only picture I have seen that says such a thing, and I made it myself! Admittedly it's not a very good picture, but at least it is unique. Well, probably not, but at least I made it myself.
  
  Err, my point is that I wonder if a thousand words could say a picture? Generally you only need one word to say picture, but I thought given that I have no other ideas I may as well plagiarise bacchus2 like a good little Scorpion and see if I can write one thousand words about a picture.

  
  When I look at this picture I notice two things. The first of which is that she has no pubic hair, yet she is in a fantasy setting, which generally takes its cues from medieval times. The second is, of course, whether all that hair is from her head, or if some of it is from her armpits. In which case it just makes the fact that she has no pubic hair all the more puzzling.
  
  Freud himself would latch onto the pubic hair like hot wax and perhaps he would be right. Maybe it does indeed symbolise the sexual oppression of women, for despite how much we hate body hair, it is naturally a sign of sexual maturity. Maybe the media is right and we are indeed all paedophiles. Certainly the dragon is. I mean it must be several hundred years old, but look at how smooth its skin is. Of course naturally the scales are smooth, but the skin underneath? The only explanation is that the smoke is youthful essence.
  
  Though it does have a shocking case of varicose veins in its left wing. I said its left wing so don't open your mouth. And then we get the two henchmen holding their piercing phallic images. Apparently the fact that the dragon has a black (negro), white (alfrego), and Hispanic (Asian) head wasn't enough to demonstrate how progressively minded they were back in medieval times as both creatures are also from different ethnicities.
  
  Undoubtedly the woman is a foreign student and despite both creatures being from different ethnicities they are still bogans. So perhaps Freud is wrong and they won't rape her. She'll just be bashed. Naturally of course being bashed isn't necessarily a whole lot worse than being raped depending on the circumstances, but even in medieval terms rape was taboo, but apparently paedophilia, was not.
  
  Indeed if we look closely at the damsel in distress we find something as disturbing as a Bill Henson photo. Apart from the lack of pubic hair she also has a very child-like face. Indeed the only sign of sexual maturity are breasts which most young girls often develop long before the age of sexual consent. Suffice it to say she must be under the age of 16 and under Victorian federal law raping her would be illegal. Sure, it would be erotic in a medieval-royal-incest kind of way, but still there is no doubt it would be illegal.
  
  Speaking of royal incest one can't help but notice the striking similarity between princess Diana and prince William. Oh sure he's her son but that's beside the point. The point being that the God damned dragon has several different heads. This is the sort of mutation that can only be brought about by severe inbreeding that would make even those from Adelaide blush. Tasmania and Canada on the other hand would probably be glad to bring it into their small genetic make up for a bit of well needed variety.
  
  Another disturbing mutation is its right arm. (I said its right arm, would you just shut up and read!) Indeed it appears to have the muscles and structure of a man's arm—or in this case a ten year old girl—yet the paw of a lizard and the boil of an old school English joke.
  
  Going back to Freud one should note all the obvious phallic images. There are points on everything from wings to paws to weapons to armour to scales to mouths to tails to architecture to pubic hair. It is clear that the author is secretly homosexual unless it was drawn by a woman in which case it was probably co-drawn by Germaine Greer and Margaret Mead.
  
  Mead. An alcoholic beverage popular at the time. Most possibly probably the artist had indeed ingested a large amount of mead and/or Mead's bodily fluids which had given him an alcoholic high or in the case of Germaine Greer a menstrual blood-high which acts a little like vampires and werewolves insomuch as she'll be hunting down teen boys on camera. However they are teen boys and love it so she is not a paedophile. But she is ugly so she is a rapist.
  
  Speaking of ugly rapists why are there skulls adorning the big buckets of semen—I mean youthful essence—however ladies, the next time your gentleman pleads to let him give you the most pretty pearl necklace remember that it is high in calcium and women are very prone osteoporosis so as long as you eat (don't let him, I think we can all agree that felching is a little over the top) it afterwards then it's good for you. Same goes for buttocks sex—it's a great laxative! Kinda like sticking your finger—or something else—down your throat. But unlike that it's not likely to destroy your teeth. However it may also not be as fun or as slimming—why would you put skulls on your architecture. Is this some sort of weird medieval tradition? I mean it's not like we modern people adorn our walls with pictures of animals skulls is it? Sure dead animal's heads, I'll give you that, but even then they've usually been stuffed.
  
  Truly, man was once savages, as symbolised by the fact that all the male characters in the drawing are not men. In fact one of the dragon's heads is probably female, but that is what one must risk when one cannot resist to fist one's own sister. Yes, for once you are right, mister, that did rhyme, be quiet, I've not missed ya.
  
  But hey, the royals have to keep the bloodline going. Who cares if Prince William was stupider than the model he dated. Though it does explain why Princess Diana was killed. Royals sleeping around is one thing but you must sleep around in the family! Sadly she went elsewhere and look what happened. I suppose only the Danish can get away with it. Those crazy Danes.

  • Posted Jun 12, 2009 9:16 am GMT
  • Category: Opinion
  • 28 Comments

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• 13May 09

  19 (nineteen)

  No this isn't a post-modern nu-art blog with a pretentious title (the pretentious part is the blog itself), but the obligatory birthday blog. The name in the title denotes my age, almost like a clever trick, yet not actually a clever trick at all. But the previously mentioned numbered is perhaps an unecessary one. 18 symbolises adult-hood (or the age of majority, which isn't a good thing, because the majority vote) by law, and then 20 symbolises it numerically? And if you say it like that, rhymerically. So, what is the point of the one in the middle? Perhaps it is to give those hanging onto their youth desperately like an actor one last hurrah, and perhaps it is one last tortorous year of being asosciated with teenagers! Or indeed if we were to look at it philosophically perhaps the number does not matter, because it does not even exist, and I am not even alive, and really all it does is herald one year closer to death, which also does not exist. Which makes me wonder why philosophy is so depressing. Perhaps it is because philosophers themselves realise that their philosophies themselves are meaningless and lash out at this fact with the meaningless philosophy. How poetic. Speaking of poetry, perhaps that is not such a bad thing. Death is merely a part of life, or so the philosophers have told us (which mean life too does not exist) and it is one of life's big achievements. Plus it is the true socialistic-utopia. Everybodygets to die!

  So here's to death! (Even though it doesn't exist.)

  • Posted May 14, 2009 3:50 am GMT
  • Category: People
  • 56 Comments

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• 28Apr 09

  Winnie the Pooh

  

  A Rabbit.

  Recently a perplexing question was posed to me. "Is the Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh a man or woman?"
  While the gender is ambiguous in the stories of the same name, the species is certainly not. Indeed, Rabbit is called Rabbit and has the appearance of a rabbit and is a rabbit. [1]

  
  

  A woman.

  Yet, perhaps Rabbit is an allegory—or a metaphor, a sick and insidious introduction to the world of sexual fetish for children too young to comprehend what is really happening. Indeed it is not rare for sexual fetishes to manifest themselves in children's fiction. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was written to "to pleasure children" in the author's own words.
  Lewis Carroll, another prominent children's author, has long been thought to have been a paedophile. From his photos that were as pornographic, if not more so, as Bill Henson's own disgusting 'art', to his friendships with young girls, there is much evidence to back this up. [2] [3] [4]

  

  A man.

  Yet perhaps Milne's anthropomorphic animals are even more dangerous. When one look at the animals in Winnie the Pooh one finds that most of them are based on stuffed dolls. This covers plushie fetishes. And Winnie the Pooh himself is an obese individual who clearly fits into the fat fetish, especially with his over-eating. Piglet who is often found clinging to Pooh, and clearly craves sexuality intimacy with him, and is obviously suffering from Macrophilia: a sexual fetish where the sick individual craves being dominated by a giant or giantess. [5] [6] [7]

  

  Piglet being dominated by Pooh.

  Tigger is perhaps the most anthropomorphised character, and indeed, when a furry fetishist dresses up as him, there is little difference between them and the illustrations. [8]

  

  Note the big difference in accuracy between the Pooh furry, and the Tigger one.

  Donkey is arguably the most plush-like character, and indeed, perhaps he is used to drive home the plush fetish in case any children miss it. [9]
  And that leaves us with Rabbit. Arguably the most realistic of Winnie the Pooh characters, and as such, also the most disturbing. Only in countries like Sweden and Denmark is bestiality legal, yet here we find a character no promoting furry sex, but blatantly promoting bestiality! In 2005 in Sweden there was a large spike in horse-ripping incidents, a sexual fetish that involves the mutilation of horses, and one should take note of that fact that in 2005 the Winnie the Pooh books were freely available in Sweden. This clearly proves that there is an undeniable link between cases of bestiality and how widely read Winnie the Pooh is.
  So is Rabbit a man or a woman? I wish I could say that it was either, but unfortunately it would appear that Rabbit is actually a rabbit. He is used as a narrative device to symbolise bestiality along with the other sickening mental illnesses expressed in the Winnie the Pooh books. [10]
  So now that you know the truth behind Winnie the Pooh I implore you to please burn all of the books you find, and if you find anybody who does not want to burnt heir book, report them to social services so that they may receive the psychological help that they so desperately need. Remember, the fate of society rests in your hands. Good luck.
  

  • Posted Apr 28, 2009 10:51 am GMT
  • Category: Editorial
  • 26 Comments

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• 1Apr 09

  Fashionista gusta de huego!

  Here's 15 things you may or may not know about me.

  1 I thought of this list very easily
  2 I thought that a list of 15 instead of 5 things was perfectly reasonable
  3 If I could have, I would have voted fro Obama
  4 I was sad when John Howard got voted out
  5 I was glad when Rudd got voted in
  6 I am a strong supporter of Sex Party of Australia
  7 I love Christopher Pyne and wish he was running for president
  8 I've always wanted to find the cIitoris
  9 but when I did, I was surprised by the fact that it was a giant pink jelly
  10 I love Richard Dawkins
  11 I George Orwell is a great writer
  12 Especcially when compared to Ray Bradbury is terrible
  13 I am so superstious that I wanted to skip this one
  14 I rarely make typos
  15 I proof-rad and spell checked this.

  Bonus! 16. I believe they should rename it April Foolz day.

  I nominate Fionnbharr, Veni-Vedi-Vici, Ezra44, stevenscott14, Nodham

  Also, here is a rick roll.

  • Posted Apr 1, 2009 9:54 am GMT
  • Category: Fashion
  • 32 Comments

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• 17Mar 09

  Witchblade: a Feminist Analysis

  I am sure many of you are familiar with the American Comic Witchblade. I'm not. I am however familiar with the anime Witchblade based on the comic Witchblade. Though, I must admit I am not very familiar with it, in fact I have only seen four episodes, but I believe that is more than enough for a feminist analysis.

  It's a little hard to know where to begin, so I will begin at the beginning. The show opens with Masane Amaha returning to Tokyo with her daughter Rihoko. There was previously a catastrophic event that ravaged Tokyo (as there always is) and Masane was found with Rihoko at ground zero.

  
  The supreme mother.

  
  The first thing one notices in these opening scenes is the size of Masane's breasts. And they are an important symbol. Breasts symbolise femininity, and motherhood, and she clearly loves her daughter dearly. Early on it is revealed the Child Welfare group NSWF does not believe she is a good mother and wishes to take her child away from her. The female Child Welfare agent that does indeed succeed in separating Rihoko from her mother does not have such large breasts. This could very well be used as a symbol for her own un-motherly actions, and her lack of understanding of the mother and daughter bond.

  But before I go on I should mention the Witchblade. It is a mystical weapon that was long sought after by men, but can only be wielded by women. There are many things that this could symbolise. It could be the cItoris---female orgasm---but I believe that it symbolises motherhood itself. I am sure my readers are aware that men cannot bare children. And who did the Witchblade attach itself to? Masane herself---the woman that symbolises absolute motherhood.

  But it also symbolises the absolute sexual power that women have over men. The Ex-Cons are monsters that Masane must fight against. They are walking phallic images that are motivated by a sadistic sexual desire that can only be achieved by brutally murdering people---mostly women. And who are the Ex-Cons most attracted to? Who do they find most irresistible? The supreme mother herself, Masane.

  But to symbolise her power over them, and to take the symbol further, Masane generally teases them for a moment, before slicing their phallic image in two with sexual glee, showing that woman's---the mother's---ability to easily take away a man's very manhood.

  Indeed, after they are separated Rihoko seeks solace in a bar run by another woman with big breasts. She reluctantly helps the helpless child, yet again showing that the breast symbolise a motherly instinct. In fact, as cold as she is, it is clear that she does care for Rihoko when she places a blanket over the small girl as she lies sleeping, arms around the leg of a table.

  Yet here we see the beginnings of the cynical projection of women in an animation animated by men. Rihoko is the only truly innocent character in the show, male or female---in fact she is the only female character without breasts that is portrayed positively. And perhaps this stems from a child's perceived sexual innocence. Without the breasts she might not be a mother---but more importantly she is not a sexual being. The women with small breast are still women, but they are women good only for sex and not motherhood, which greatly degrades all women.

  For example, Shiori Tsuzuki, who is the secretary of Tatsuoki Furumizu, has small breasts, so is not fit to be a mother, or even for a man's sexual pleasure. This is symbolised by Shori's infatuation with her mistress; indeed Shiori is madly in lust with her mistress, and is of no use to male sexuality.

  But not all the women with small breasts are lesbians, and indeed some do serve some sexual use for men. A woman with small breasts bumps into Rihoko as she runs through a crowd, and she appears to help the young girl, but a few scenes later it is revealed that she in fact stole Rihoko's money. Not exactly a compassionate mother. But to symbolise that while she might not be a mother, she can still serve her purpose as a sex object for men, she is sexually brutalised by an Ex-Con in the form of forced penetration, and to symbolise that she enjoyed it despite it being rape, she was killed by 'heating her up', through forced self-penetration by the Ex-Con. Heat being a cultural metaphor for sexual arousal.

  Indeed, the NSWF, which is in fact a cover organisation who are desperately in search of the Witchblade, is populated by large breasted women (lesbians aside) who wish to wield the Witchblade. But at the top they are lead by a man. Perhaps Child Welfare symbolises female infertility; indeed if the Witchblade symbolises female fertility, then it must. These women are infertile, and are desperate to have children, so they must search out the Witchblade.

  But as the enlightened women of today know, those women who desire children must have been coerced into it by someone, for no intelligent woman could want children. Indeed, to further illustrate this point I will point out that Masane is a complete klutz and suffers from a severe lack of motor skills, which is a symptom of mental retardation, which in itself, is a symptom of a non-conditioned desire for motherhood. This fact is so real and unavoidable that even the male psyches that produced the show inadvertently included it.

  But back to the coercion. Who could have coerced them to it? Why, the head of the organisation himself, who is in fact the father of one of them. And perhaps this symbol could be taken further, and he could be seen as the father of all of them. In fact, he should be seen as an abusive father who does not want his infertile daughters to have a sexuality, but even he knows that they do, and he knows that the only way for a woman's sexuality to exist and be right in the male psyche is if they are mothers.

  And now we come to the most interesting little piece of this sexist puzzle, and that is the creator of the Ex-Cons themselves---the creators of manhood. The Ex-Cons were created by the Douji Group. The Douji Group is lead by a powerful man---the alpha male. The show shows that in the male psyche a woman's motivation is either motherhood or lust, and he coerces Masane into helping him destroy the Ex-Cons by offering her her daughter. Perhaps this is their only concession in that he is helping a woman destroy his own manhood, but more likely it is the most disturbing projection of the whole show.

  You see, during the great quake the Ex-Cons were accidentally released, and perhaps this symbolises that the Alpha Male himself is so male, that he must have all the women to himself. It is how wolf packs operate, with the alpha male going from female to female and impregnating them one by one.

  Finally, though, we come to one of the least subtle symbols in Witchblade. The Tokyo Tower. It is a towering phallic image that reaches up into the sky. Early on in the show Masane tells Rihoko that if they get separated they will meet at the Tokyo Tower, and after escaping from the NSWF Rihoko runs to the comfort of the phallic image. Eventually Masane takes her there. Perhaps this symbolises that the two are still linked by their sexuality, and that no matter how old, and no matter how young Rihoko is, she is still nothing more than a sex object, just as all women are in the male psyche. Indeed, Masane was taken to her daughter by a man, and as the credits roll, one can only imagine what horrors are being done to the young, innocent, Rihoko.

  And on that truly disturbing symbol I'm afraid I cannot go on as I have not watched any more, and I wish I didn't have to watch any more. But I must, for I watch it so you may not.

  
  She's not smiling anymore...

  • Posted Mar 17, 2009 1:08 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
  • 35 Comments

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• 6Mar 09

  Damned if you boo, damned if you don't

  I've got used to the media's vendetta against football in Australia, but what doesn't quite sit right is when the FFA comes out to join in with the media circus. After the rather spiteful 2009 grand final Ben Buckley himself came out to say that he wants passion but not booing. Why is this comment so much more cringe worthy than anything to have come out of the media so recently? Because he should be supporting football? Well, that's part of it, but it's even worse than that.
  Let's take a look at the comment:

  
  "Obviously passions run high but that can't excuse it. We want to see passion but there can sometimes spill over in a negative way.
  "I don't want to see that again in the future. Adelaide should have been applauded for the way they played."

  
  The unfortunate thing is, this season, the FFA has done everything they can to try and destroy passion in the A-League. Football fans have got used to the draconian security and riot police that stare hatefully at the crowd and verbally abuse and forcefully remove them from the stadium for doing nothing more than shouting too loud, but when the FFA themselves introduced new ticketing rules this season that meant at the ends of the pitch-where the main supporters group stand-were numbered seats, they struck a big blow for games getting a decent atmosphere. The numbered seats meant that the areas behind the goal were fragmented, and the size of the supporters groups was drastically downsized. Not only that, but your average general attendance ticket buyer could not sit down there and that meant that the stragglers that could join in with the main supporters group which cut down their numbers even further.

  
  Apart from that this is Australia, and not Europe. It'd nice to have most of the crowd singing the team's songs during a trophy presentation but you have to be realistic. Four years and you expect a whole stadium to be able to sing, which is a new concept to most people there? The best way for the whole crowd to unite as one is through far more simple things-like reactions to something that the whole stadium feels, and in this case it was disgust at the behavior of Adelaide United on the pitch, and 50,000 people all feeling the same thing, and expressing it vocally, is almost as good as 50,000 people singing.

  
  So please, Buckley, complain all you want about passion, but don't act like you actually want it in any way or form.
  Of course it's all a little ironic too. The same media that has reacted with disgust and condemnation to a real sporting rivalry are exactly the same media who have called it a "plastic league" with no real feeling or rivalries. But that's to be expected. You're damned if you boo and you're damned if you don't. If you follow football, that is.

  
  Not only that, but of all the teams in the A-League I can't think of one that actually has more respect for each other, both by the fans and the players. Respect is not a simple matter of clapping politely and applauding when the team you're against scores; it goes much deeper than that. Think of the people you are most polite to? It's probably not the people you respected; most likely it was the people that you are most uninhibited with that you truly respected.

  
  Melbourne Victory respects Adelaide United and vice versa. Unlike the rivalry with Sydney F.C. which lasted a couple of seasons before they simply became too much of a joke of a club to respect or care about and so the rivalry dissolved into a minor feeling of distaste. The same is true in other leagues too. But rivalries are a very complex thing. Take a look at Manchester United and Manchester City or Liverpool they've had years to instill a true rivalry so even if there is little respect on the pitch the rivalry does not suffer. But they have had time and we have not. However, despite the disgust with Chelsea's money-spending ways, and there not being such a strong history of rivalry between the two, when United and Chelsea play, the fans pay attention and watch, because for that game at least, they're playing against a rival that they can respect and that they know will try and win at all costs. Even if Chelsea will just try and win by 1.

  
  The same is true with Victory and United. Whenever they play they know that both teams will do absolutely everything they can to win, legal or not, questionable or not. And that is where the respect is earned. Sure, professional sportsmen and fans respect sportsmanship, but above all, they respect an absolute dedication for the team they're playing for, and a will to win for them. And on both sides of the pitch when Victory play United that willingness is there, and so is the respect.

  
  In fact, during the semi-final which was around the time of the bush fires the Adelaide fans had a banner of condolence for the Victory fans. As much has been made of Adelaide's pathetic attendance to the semi-final against Queensland, for the Adelaide fans that actually do care about the club, I think they definitely have our respect, and that is why we are willing to abuse their players for every dirty little tackle and complaint to the ref that they make, yet at the end of the day we can still accept their condolences after a tragedy. Surely that is real respect?

  • Posted Mar 7, 2009 7:15 am GMT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 1Mar 09

  2009 A-League Grand Final

  There was only 1 goal, but the 2009 A-League grand final was every bit as entertaining as the 6-0 thrashing handed out to Adelaide United two seasons ago. And last night they would have found themselves much more crushed because the game was a hard fought contest. It wasn't a free flowing game of football, and it wasn't a showcase of the technical excellence that Melbourne is capable of producing, but it was a gladiatorial battle between two teams who despise each other.

  The Presets proved that only is an open stadium an absolutely terrible place for any type of music to be played, but that pre-match entertainment takes a little bit away from the anxiousness before a grand final. Yet when the music was gone and the match began it didn't take long until any noise The Presets could have produced would have been drowned out by furious shouts as Vargas was left bleeding on the ground. Cristiano was wrongly set off and the precedent was set. Adelaide reacted by defending with 11—err, 10 players in front of their goal.

  Vidmar can blame the sending off all he wants, but the fact is his tactical reaction was slow. It was not until half time that he brought on another striker (not that Agostino is much of a striker any more!) and for the first 10 minutes of the first half they dominated. It took Ward being taken off for Berger (a fullback) for Melbourne to regain control again. Still, Adelaide does like defending, as it's a little harder to try and injure your opponent and start brawls, when you're attacking.

  As I said it may not have been a showcase of technical football but it certainly was one hell of a physical contest. A bitter one at that. Multiple little 'arguments' broke out with regularity and the game was lucky to finish with only two players being sent off, and half the Adelaide team being booked.

  After Adelaide's goalkeeper (a former player of ours) pushed over Allsopp another scuffle broke out and Allsopp head butted Cornthwaite and he too was given his marching orders. Naturally nothing happened to Galekovic, indeed he was the one that alerted the woeful Mathew Breeze to the head-butt!

  

  That's not to say there wasn't some good football on display. Both goalkeepers put in absolutely amazing performances by pulling off a handful of fantastic saves and it took a fantastic long range strike from Tom Pondeljak to break the deadlock. At which point there was a mysterious rain of beer sprayed down from the upper tier as the crowd exploded. I hope it was beer anyway...

  There was another beer-rain when the full whistle was blown after an agonising three minutes of stoppage time which felt far closer to thirty minutes. But when it was finally over the second time was far more satisfying than the first. The first was a surreal experience, but this was an awesome one. We were pushed all the way in a violent contest yet we were still the ones that landed the final blow despite the viciousness of Adelaide's play.

  The atmosphere for the whole match was fantastic too (despite the pasison police telling people to 'shut their trap or get out' and stop standing on seats. I stared distastefully at one of them, and when I managed to catch their eye they liked away in terror gg). The Blue and White Brigade seemed quite quiet to me (I was next to them) and a little disjointed, and perhaps this is because I like Australian atmospheres, but there's nothing better than having 53,000 people shouting passionately. Indeed it's even better than having a few hundred or thousand singing.

  In fact, 50,000 people booing Adelaide after the match was just plain awesome. A woman behind me was not too impressed by it and singled me out for me wearing a t-shirt with Jesus on the back (apparently I was nothing like Jesus!) but after the bitterness of the contest it just made it all the sweeter and more satisfying.

  Bring on next season.

  

  Merrick...smiling?

  • Posted Mar 1, 2009 12:20 pm GMT
  • Category: Sports
  • 22 Comments

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