• 5Nov 09

  On Game Reviewers' Jobs and Reason to Be Grateful to Them (At Least to GameSpot)

  Now, I have some GameSpot staffers among those tracking my blog, so this is probably going to be screened through thoroughly.

  Now, why would I want to write such an article that carries a big risk of offending all the wrong people? Simple, for game reviewers have helped me make good decisions in choosing which games to play. In light of recent, very disappointing games like Fairytale Fights, Painkiller: Resurrection and Marvel Super Hero Squad, whose shortfalls that their developers and publishers thought can be glossed over with some semblance of "unique" presentation.

  Playing games and reviewing them is not necessarily a fun task. Depending on the product being reviewed, game reviewers either will nurture fond memories, or have nightmares burned into their mind. The latter typically results in usually temporary loss of emotional faculties and of course professionalism.

  (No, most bad games will not drive one insane if he/she has to play it. There isn't any news of US intelligence agencies forcing suspects to play terrible video games after all - at least none that I know of.)

  "Well, they are paid to do that - even playing bad games," one (insensitive person) would say.

  Monetary remuneration and other employment benefits will hardly make up for the trauma, apparently.

  Recall (now absent from GameSpot) Alex Navarro's review of Big Rigs, one of the worst games ever to tarnish the PC platform. In his video, he was quite derailed. Of course, his antics was intentionally filmed, but for him to consider filming what is not exactly a professionally performed video review, that's saying something about how terrible the effect on the mind that this game has.

  (In fact, the game was so bad, most reviewers at that time did not even review it - probably because this game does not have big brands attached to it, as said big brands are not so stupid as to not notice how terrible this game is.)

  

  If bad games do not result in uncharacteristic behavior, then it would be severe frustration, depression, cynicism and sarcasm. Perhaps people studying gamers' psychology ought to do a paper on bad games. Examples include Andrew Park's video reviews of a certain game and another too terrible to mention, and These reviews would be hilarious, were they not attempts by said reviewers to keep hold of their respective sanities.

  

  As a side note, notice how many times Andrew blinked in that video review. Perhaps he's trying to blink out the terrible memories that are invoked when he speaks of the game?

  

  Some games were so bad, that the reviewers dare not even show their faces when they do the video review. Instead, company time is spent on making a pseudo-documentary with a persona that is a mockery of the game's theme, such as Bob Colayco's review of the very lacking game that is Terminator 3: War of the Machines.

  

  In fact, there can be so many bad games that game reviewers even have the gall to reserve special halls of shame for them. (2005's dubious honors were simply the most amusing.)

  

  WARNING: CLICKING ON ABOVE PICTURES WILL LEAD TO VIDEOS OR WEBPAGES THAT MAY INDIRECTLY CAUSE INJURIES FROM EXCESSIVE EXPRESSIONS OF AMUSEMENT

  2nd. WARNING: DO NOT PESTER ABOVE-MENTIONED INDIVIDUALS ON THEIR VIDEOS - YOU (AND I) MAY GET A TERRIBLE BEATING

  Of course, for some who react in what is technically an irrational manner, there are some who can provide reviews of bad games with uncanny - should I say this - professionalism. A good example would be Kevin vanOrd's review of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, in which every down point of the game is described in excruciating detail, one by one. Only the most idiotic of people would consider playing, much less purchasing the game.

  

  (Though it is likely in the aftermath of that hideously inadequate game, Kevin drowned himself in Demon's Souls.)

  • Posted Nov 5, 2009 4:14 am GMT
  • Category: People
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• 20Oct 09

  Heartwarming Games to Sooth the Mind and Spirit

  Just when it seems that the games market will be saturated with grim, moody and morally dubious games that may or may not have shallow stories, i.e. all games rated M, up comes some heartwarming titles that make the aforementioned games seem like they are encouraging mass murder and/or suicide.

  These heartwarming titles are of course, A Boy and His Blob, and Lost Winds: Winter of the Melodias.

  

  

  Of course, these titles appear to be sadly restricted to the Wii. Majesco Games largely make games for consoles and handhelds now, and Frontier Developments only make micro-management games for the PC and every game of other genres for the consoles and handhelds.

  With RTS games starting to make inroads onto consoles and even handhelds - and with their IP owners looking more to the console markets as a major income source - the PC platform is at risk of being stuck with games like these:

  

  

  If the PC game does not have a grey and dour boxhot, it's a colonization game where you have to keep some fussy and annoying settlers happy. Otherwise, it's another war game - and probably YET another WWII-oriented game. And all of them are micro-management stuff that would make most gamers fall asleep in front of their PC - if they even consider playing them. And the only thing that could micro-management games sell nowadays is that they have to have a historical streak. Yet, not many gamers are exactly fond of history.

  Only foolish publishers would even think of trying to market such micro-management games on the consoles or handhelds. These games require commitment and long hours, and such games if they are to be marketed on the consoles and handhelds, will have to be some digital pet simulation.

  For now, PC gamers, who are looking for heartwarming games, will have to wait for port-overs. Fortunately, if they are looking for games with charm, one can always check on Steam for some good ones, like Plants VS Zombies and games by Telltale. There are also games, like Machinarium, and some other games by the same developers, Amanita-Design. Unfortunately, most of these games rely on charm, and the only reason that makes one smile is the silly antics of the protagonist(s) and their acquaintances. No "D'awww" moments here.

  • Posted Oct 20, 2009 7:06 pm GMT
  • Category: Games
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• 8Oct 09

  UPDATE #9: On the All Time Greatest Video Game Hero Contest... And Other Things

  (FORE-WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE DOES NOT INDUCE HUNGER - BUT A HELPFUL MESSAGE WILL BE INCLUDED HERE ANYWAY: DO NOT JUST EAT ANY MUSHROOM YOU COME ACROSS)

  This is very unprecedented.

  Valve must be getting a kick out of this. Most of the votes going for Gordon Freeman are actually votes for Valve, considering that over the past two weeks there have been massive rallying at the Steam forums. Valve never considered Gordon Freeman as its poster boy. Instead, the closest characters to being poster boys are these guys:

  

  

  In fact, the first guy was supposed to be the mascot. The painful valve attachments are simply a statement of Valve's twisted sense of humor.

  In any case, the number of votes for Freeman was tremendous, and as expected, triggered a whole lot of allegations of fraud - of which there likely is. Considering that there had been many infamous cases of digital skullduggery in just about every game that Valve has made, such as loopholes and bugs in Portal that let players skip puzzles entirely and countless speed-runs of the Half-Life games, one can very much expect that Valve's hardcore supporters will resort to dastardly means just to increase votes for a symbol of Valve.

  Even so, there are more GameSpot users than the highest number of votes tallied in the competition so far. Sure, many of them likely belong to zombie accounts (pun intended) made by dastardly users, but it just goes to show how far Valve's hardcore supporters are willing to go, despite the risks. If only Link's fans were just as hardworking, even if for dubious reasons.

  Mario's match with Gordon Freeman will likely be tainted with massive fraud in favor of Freeman as well, but that would be a testament to the dogged (but ugly) determination of Valve's hardcore fan-base. Would Mario's biggest fans resort to buffing up his votes by breaking some rules here and there? These methods would be like poisonous mushrooms and flowers indeed, but one that Mario will probably have to ingest to overcome Freeman.

  

  "Amanita" would make a great-sounding name for a special artifact that Mario has to find to save the Mushroom Kingdom yet again - if only it isn't the most notorious toxic real-world mushroom.

  P.S. It would seem that my Tagger Dabbler emblem is gone, for some reason that I cannot fathom. My best guess is that I have used so many tags, that the emblem awarding subrouting that GameSpot uses no longer recognizes the number of tags that I have used.

  • Posted Oct 8, 2009 9:24 pm GMT
  • Category: Opinion
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