Behold! What America Would Be Like If Paris Hilton Were President!

...duck for cover...


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• 4Sep 08

  Rock Band 2 vs. Rock Band New: A Clash of Titans

  Boy, have I been waiting for this.

  I don't even have a Xbox 360, and yet I'll be playing Rock Band 2 mere days after the game is released because of a tournament in Framingham, MA, that I am planning to win.

  Indeed, Rock Band has been, without a doubt, my most treasured game for a long time. I literally fell in love with it. Even on the crappy Playstation 2 I could drum for hours at a time. Every session I would not stop until I played half of the songs in the game. Often I would glisten with sweat, and the heat would compel me to take off my shirt and reveal my oh-so-muscular body.

  But enough about me.

  Just a little more than a week from now the fun starts all over again. Rock Band 2 will officially be in stores starting September 14, and for the looks of what happened last year the game will be a surefire hit. It is the season, ladies and gentleman, for shaking heads in truly awkward fashion as the rhythms of popular tunes are played while brightly colored notes cascade down the screen. It is, once again, time to rock.

  This time around, however, we see both Harmonix and Neversoft, that conscienceless corporate, stepping up to the plate. Yes, it's a fight for the ages: Rock Band 2 vs. the "aptly named" Guitar Hero: World Tour. Who will emerge victorious? And I hope you're thinking Rock Band 2, because I can't see how anyone could fall for Alwaysoft's newest "rockapalooza".

  There's always a way to get rich, I suppose. Harmonix was doing perfectly well with Guitar Hero until they gave the rights to Neversoft because they were positive that Rock Band was going to be an instant success. Neversoft, promptly, ruined the franchise. How, you may ask? With color and with flash. With noise and with signs. With Dragonforce.

  Now I'm not saying that Guitar Hero III was a bad game. My brother and I both liberally enjoyed playing the pathetic PS2 version and, were it not for that game, we would not be $200 richer (due to tournaments). But something was lost in the translation between GHs II & III. To me, it was just the overall "confidence" of the game. The whole design of the game, even just from looking at the setlist, made me feel as though Neversoft knew that they were sitting on a goldmine with this franchise. They were, of course, but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't have played the humble game like Harmonix did.

  What angers me most is how loyal its fanbase is. This is not the masses' fault; Neversoft was the one who had to overadvertise their product with T-shirts, corporate ads, etc. But people can be so misinformed these days. Half the people I know think that Harmonix is copying Neversoft's Guitar Hero with their Rock Band. The sad part is that they've played the first two games.

  The way I see it (and I don't mean any offense whatsoever), Guitar Hero's fans, the ones who can't wait for World Tour, seem to have one less banana in their bunch compared to Rock Band's fans. If you don't believe me, just check out the message boards and comment boards all around this site alone; trust me, it won't kill you (though it may sting your eyes a little), but you'll see how their message quality differs, and not in a good way.

  Back to the topic at hand, how is it that Neversoft always seems to ruin the fun? Their new World Tour seemed, when I first learned of it, to be a complete rip-off of Harmonix's product. "It's Guitar Hero, but now with drums and vocals!" HUH? Where have we heard that before?

  It's bad enough that Neversoft had to taint the original massively-popular game after Harmonix relinquished it. Now they have to rip-off Harmonix's idea? That's just childish in essence. It's like playing a game of Tag and the one huge bully keeps blocking you from getting to base. What's the point of that? The game's going to end sometime, with no winner. So it is with Neversoft.

  To put it in simpler terms, Harmonix, the responsible parent, finally gives the keys to his sparkling-white Cadillac to his teenage son, Neversoft, who immediately starts the engine and keeps himself busy by taking up the road, tailgating, and showing off his skills to the ladies. Do you see where I'm getting at? It's GUITAR HERO. For crying out loud, if you're going to change the whole premise of the game, at least alter the title to something a little less one-sided and generic. It doesn't even make sense. Who would know, simply from looking at the title, whether or not the game is about a whole band instead of a guitar?

  As if that weren't enough, Ohsosoft is pumping up its product with cameos and fan-favorites as far as the eye can see, just so it can light a candle with its adversary. I admit, characters like Ozzy Osbourne and Jimi Hendrix in your game is a pretty good idea, but when you have rerecordings and rock idols and "unclassics" out the wazoo it gets to feel like Neversoft is indeed bullying Harmonix's product out of the race. It's big business over small business, essentially.

  This whole business seems to be getting ridiculous, in that none of it feels authentic. The main difference between RB2 and GHWT is that the latter still doesn't understand the concept of why the first Guitar Hero was so addictive and engrossing in the first place. Somewhere, in some way, there was a chemistry that evolved between the player and the game. It made him/her feel like they were really playing music. It didn't matter that all of the songs in the game were covers; the fact that they didn't match the real tracks only increased the whole concept of the game. You are in a band and play a guitar. That's it. That level of subtle mediocrity is what sparked my interest in the first place, and what made me come back for more.

  Rock Band borrows that concept and expounds on it. Like many of its reviews state, Rock Band takes four people, makes them each play an instrument, and suddenly transforms them into a band. The very same chemistry that occurred in Guitar Hero occurs here. It was simply a remarkable idea that worked out well in the end.

  Then you have Neversoft, the corporation. They really had no right delving into rhythm games. This is a company who produced Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. Already you can see how Guitar Hero changed in essence once Nevereversoft got their greasy paws on it. The caricatured drawings that hail to a time passed were all gone and replaced with mixes and mashes of this and that. The result was painful on the eyes. Nothing made any sense. Did any of you even pay attention to the opening title sequence? What was that about? There's no deeper meaning: just color and noise.

  Instantly Neversoft put their attention into providing master tracks for the game. Rock icons were used and abused, such as Rage Against the Machine's Tom Morello and Guns N' Roses' Slash, who appears on the front and back of the box. Other big business such as AXE deoderant provided tacky subliminal ads for their products at their target audiences. Gibson guitars were overshadowed greatly by ridiculous-looking monstrosities. Harder, faster, harder, faster, harder, faster, commanded Neversoft on high.

  The result was a game that, while entertaining, had lost most (if not all) of the chemistry and authenticity that the previous two games had. The fanbase by this time was probably too callous to notice, but Guitar Hero had essentially become a complete headache. The main difference, of course, was that the game preferred original tracks over covers of songs. While this seemed good on paper, the final effect was that the game had lost the whimsical silliness and ridiculousness of the whole idea of playing a plastic guitar controller and, somehow, becoming a Guitar Hero. No, it was all seriousness now. It was actually, in my belief, an excuse to compensate for the fact that Neversoft really didn't and still don't know how to do rhythm games. It's like filling an essay on animal diversity with loads of crap about lions and tigers and bears, things that the average reader will recognize and pass over with bliss and ignorance. Think about it for a second. What did Neversoft know how to do? Tony Hawk. So they did what they knew how to do. For cripes' sake, they should have named the game "Slash's Guitar Hero". That would have made more sense.

  How do you think this will translate into GHWT? Not well, if you ask me. The game just looks ugly. Once again you get new characters added to the franchise, as well as other rock legends, mentioned above. Many, many, many fan favorites will be playable. A music creator is thrown in somewhere, just for kicks. But Neversoft still doesn't get it. You can't just put four people in a room and make them play instruments and call it a band. Half the fun is gone. Instead, you get four people pretending to be other real people standing on stage and playing. Again, it sounds amazing on paper, but little hope can be drawn now for "Ozzy Ozbourne's World Tour".

  Just take a look, one more time, at Rock Band. How many advertisements are there in the game? Very few, if any, compared to GHIII. How many "legends of rock" can you play as in Rock Band? None. How many really popular songs are on the setlist? Not that many.

  Do you see, now, where I'm getting at? The way to make a game like this incredibly fun (even therapeutic) is to make the user believe that they are really a rock star. There needs to be some way to transcend the boundaries of the disc and screen in order for it to truly be successful. Harmonix, at least, succeeds. They know what they are doing. They, after all, created Guitar Hero, contrary to the opinion of other wit-impaired individuals.

  It's just irksome to me that Neversoft is treating the franchise as a product and not as an experience like so many people have realized. The company has acted so immaturely about the whole deal that it just bothers me how people can actually be sucked in to its "pretty colors and lights". Come on, grow up. You're not babies watching Sesame Street. You're grown-ups playing fake instruments.

  I don't know, that's just my say.

  On a conclusive note, I'm betting that Rock Band 2 will actually score higher on Gamespot than World Tour. I'm positive. You'll see.

  • Posted Sep 4, 2008 5:48 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 29Aug 07

  u suk LoL1: A Massively Opinionated Study of the Forum Polluter

  Surely throughout all websites you and I have heard of containing message boards, there has been a point at which at least two people dish it out at other, slandering everyone and their mothers with poor grammar and spelling, "****" and more "****", and the rare but promising"u goT crap 4 brAin LoL1!1". Here we see the gifted scholar openly speak his sophisticated dialogue, gloriously presenting his opinion to the audience for all to admire. I'd like to shake that guy's hand, I tell you what.

  If we could study the forum polluter (or if you'd like a more fancy term, fanboy) in his or her physical form, we would see a person, a man or a woman with two eyes, a nose and a mouth, who'd look vaguely like you or me. He/she might be the girl you see working at your local restaurant, or the boy you see searching his locker for books, or even that strange-looking person bending down to pick up a quarter near a drainage pipe.

  In the case of this study, I will present to you Subject A, Bob. Say hello, Bob. Now, Bob is an average 16-year old boy with friends, a part-time job and two loving parents. He is very friendly towards others, as well as his teachers and parents. But sadly, this average, friendly person has a terrible illness. This illness chronically forces him to slip into a furious rage, forgetting his current intellect and replacing it with all forms of ridiculous and meaningless insults, swears, retaliations and divers all other subjects of incompetency. Even worse, his illness spreads like a virus, plaguing the one place where he can even hope to empty out his selfish anger: the Forum. Yes, poor Bob suffers from chronic cyber dementia, more commonly known as fanboyitis.

  Hunched across his computer, Bob watches closely at the screen, looking intently at the messages what we shall call Subject B, the people casually responding, replying, or otherwise chatting happily on whatever topic they are talking about. Suddenly, at the right moment...he pounces, spilling his hate and rage all into one foul-smelling piece of garbage and shoving it toward the boards. His work not yet done, he watches as a few others present at the scene begin to lose control of their minds, throwing back mindless slurs back at the attacker. Some people watching from afar begin to join in on the action, and in a matter of minutes, you have a colossal, frightful, horrible, free-for-all, rampaging battle royale of idiocy, the likes of which cannot be stopped at any distance.

  After a few minutes of this brawl, the peacemaker, or Subject C, appears. At the moment, we shall call her Julia. This brave soul boldly steps in to confront the situation at hand. Using careful words,she tries her best to disperse the ongoing crowd of verbal fighters by sending around such topics as common sense, reflection upon the situation, or reflection upon one's own actions. However, no matter how hard she perseveres, Julia cannot reach the heart of the attacker, Bob, as he continues to keep the raging fire alight. Finding her job useless, she retreats, seeking some other form of entertainment.

  As the battle continues for possibly an hour, suddenly the ultimate predator appears. He comes in to play the role as the fire extinguisher to this onslaught of stupidity. He is known as the Administrator, or Subject D. We shall call him Jeffrey. As we see, Jeffrey carefully studies the situation, identifies the polluter, and brings down his judgement. Bob is severely punished for his actions, and is sentenced to permanent termination of his account. The situation returns to normal in a matter of minutes.

  And Bob, although devastated by his punishment, is not defeated. He will search to bigger and better forums to wreak his own havoc. Yes, unfortunately, fanboyism is a never-ending cycle of sorrow, anger and dumbassness. Will we ever find a cure? The world may never know, but until then, we can only hope that someone out there is working to find one at this very moment.

  Remember kids, don't let this happen to you!

  • Posted Aug 29, 2007 5:07 pm GMT
  • Category: Editorial
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• 4Jun 07

  These Teachers Are Trying to Kill Me...

  Finals are coming up for my school, and the local teachers are turning especially sadistic, moreso than they usually are. My workload has officially piled up past the government-regulated maximum, and I am beginning to understand why my History Teacher is beginning to call my school Southset Gardening and Mental Health Institute. I tell you, it's beginning to show: just this morning, yours truly began to slip to deep self-conversation on whether or not spaces after a period in essays should be double-spaced or single-spaced (I never got to finish the conversation, courtesy of a "gentle" wake-up slap across the face from my loving mother).

  Summer is just around the corner, signaling an end to the mass hysteria and my release from my school's new "zombification" technique of learning*. I will finally have enough time now to catch up on things once forgotten, namely, the CSRT. I'll have plenty of time to catch up too; I'll have the house to myself for a week, the perfect freedom vacation for a 9-month enslavement period. My only worry is that I make it to that point alive, or at least sane.

  Wish me luck until that time comes!

  *This technique has not been proven as effective by the Dep. of Ed., but is perferable by the staff involved.

  • Posted Jun 4, 2007 2:10 pm GMT
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