Own a baby? Great, I want to explain something to you.

Your baby is not special, stop bothering people with it.

Your baby falls into two categories....

1. It's normal looking which means it looks like EVERY OTHER BABY IN THE WORLD

2. Your baby is ugly.

Both cases mean that you should not show that baby to people thinking it's special. It's not special, it's boring. Especially the normal looking ones.

Normal looking babies are boring, they all look exactly the same except they come in different shades. Black, white, various shades of tan, they all look the same. Even boys and girls, there's no difference. Want to know why parents dress them in blue and pink? Because they look the same!

Ugly babies are interesting but the parents of ugly babies never understand that their child is ugly. If a parent walked up to me and said "Hey wait till you check this one out" and showed me a baby that could be mistaken for a shaved monkey foot then yeah I'd probably be impressed. Instead they come up to you and say it's a beautiful baby. It's not a beautiful baby. Someone took a well oiled catchers mitt and left it in your stroller.

And what's with people showing you their kids? Everywhere you look people want to show you their kids with a sense of entitlement/pride because they reproduced. It's no big deal, people have been making babies for years. Sometimes two and three at a time. These things aren't rare because.....you know......we're here. If we're here right now it means that humanity mastered that whole "baby" part of life a while ago. You're just getting on the bus so go far to the back and shut your mouth until spoken to.

They even make books of babies, just pictures and pictures of these freaky little creatures dressed up in costumes. Anne Geddes has made millions taking these things and making whole books out of them. She takes a baby unlike any other and then dresses it like a flower and charges 20 bucks.

Now in the digital age it's worse. People have these things on their cell phones, and it's not just one picture either. Oh it would be great if I had to see one baby picture but now it's an album, an album of it in different positions all looking the same. Emails too. Forget Spam in your inbox, now you have pics of babies in there. It's not even like a birthday party (which I don't even understand why you have birthdays for babies it's just a way for pompous parents not to get over themselves) it's something like "Thursday spaghetti"

While I'm glad your offspring has all the balance of a three legged table in an earthquake just tell me it fell down, it'll be faster so I can go on with my life and you can bother someone else with that nonsense.

Something has to be done and once again I nominate myself for the job.

Here's my idea. I propose we set up a web site that has one dozen pictures of a baby on it. Users would select what skin tone their baby is and then get 12 pics to show to everyone. Every parent would have the same pics and only be able to distribute those dozen pics. In a matter of hours everyone on the planet would see those 12 pics and we'd be done. Parents could go onto other things like raising these things instead of telling you about them and the rest of us wouldn't have to waste time looking at them.

Heck, a guy can dream can't he?

I'm not going to bite you.

See my teeth are only like 4 or 5 inches away from my eyes no matter how I position my mouth. That means that if I was going to bite you all you have to do is poke me in the eye with your finger and it's all over, you win.

The eyelid isn't going to protect anything either, how thick is an eyelid? Like a 100th of a millimeter? I'm pretty sure if I were to take a cotton ball and throw it with some muscle behind it it would hurt my eyeball through the lid. To be honest I'm not exactly sure how strong my eyelids are and it's something I don't plan on testing. I know they keep light out unless it's really bright and stops water when I shampoo, case closed.

So if I was going to bite you I put my most vulnerable part of my body right there along with the teeth. How is that to my advantage?

You see dogs and they always bite and I wish I could get the point across that when they bite their eyes are right there too. Then again a lot of animals bite for the wrong reasons so I'm not sure I really want to share the teeth/eyeball connection with the animal kingdom. If the word got out wolves would stop biting altogether and take up some karate at the local rec center and there's no way you can stop a wolf that knows karate. Though they would need to wait weeks while their karate uniforms were being tailored to fit their bodies so we would have one last chance to strike.

On a completely unrelated note I'd like to move to the Italian part of New York and then have a child named "Gurt". That way he can be around the neighborhood and when people need him they can call out... "YO!......GURT!"

Oh, know what else? Any song that includes the word "booty" can't be classified a love song. There has to be a line drawn and I've got the Sharpie in my hand. From this point on a song that contains the term "booty" must be reclassified, I don't care if it goes in an existing category or they make a completely new category. Perhaps the "I was raised in an environment completely devoid of class" category.

Let's see the Grammys award that one!

I don't want to say I was right about Smash Bros but I was right about Smash Bros.

"Oh I can't wait for Smash can't wait for Smash can't wait for Smash"

Now it's broken, poor little Smash Bros is brokenZ.

As the immortal Nelson Muntz would say...

"HA HA"

For all the people saying what a great game Smash Bros would be? It's broken

For the months I've had to see Smash Bros topics? The game is broken

Oh yeah, can't see why Nintendo shelved Smash Bros and made sure Mario Galaxy made it to retail at Christmas.

Smash Bros is broken.

Now yes, there are a few who people who I'm honestly upset that their game is broken. I'm sorry your game is broken. I'm sorry online is horrible and that dropping connections and slide shows caused from slowdown plague your game.

On the other hand I just can't get over that dropped connections and slowdown plague Smash Bros online. I didn't know that when people said 3 weeks until Smash Bros they meant three weeks to connect lol

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Smash Bros.

Smash Bros who?

Smash Bros is broken.

For people who believe in Karma THIS is Karma. People went overboard on this title and in return they get a broken game. People couldn't say enough how this game would be perfect in every single way and it's not, it's IMperfect. A lot. Because broken can't be perfect!

And that is Smash Bros. Just another broken game that has things that need to be overlooked if you want to enjoy the rest of it. It's not perfect. Heck, it's not even solid in all areas.

It's a game that people pushed up on a pedestal and it stayed there for all of three seconds.

Until the lag kicked in.

Smash Bros on the Wii is going to fail.

There's no way it lives up to the hype. I mean you have people saying it'll be one of the greatest games of all time. No, not even close.

Then you have people clogging up the forums because if you're a fan of Smash Bros then you're also unable to read instructions on how the forums work. I've come to call it "Smash Blindness" where people are oblivious to any sort of directions and just post....

"WHAT CHARAKTR DO U WANT TOO BE IN SMASH?"

This much hype shouldn't be put towards a button masher. Oh excuse me, I mean a button masher with some quicktime mashes mixed in for good measure. What? Thought I was going to call it a fighter? No, it's not a fighter. Put Smash Bros against the likes of Virtua Fighter or Dead or Alive and it pales in comparison. To call Smash Bros a fighter is like calling Mario Galaxy a FPS because of the star bits.

What gets me is that so many people put this title on a pedestal where it does not belong. It's the gaming equivalent of junk food. It's a bag of potato chips and people are trying to say it's a 4 course steak dinner. Smash Bros is closer to dog food then it is to steak.

It's a cutsey kids game that's fun to play and bop people on the heads with famous Nintendo characters. I'll be getting the game myself so I can do the exact same thing, bop people on the head. But at the end of the day I wont say what a masterpiece the game is.

People complain about Nintendo being kiddy then they can't wait for the most kiddy game to be released. I don't mind the image that Nintendo has, E for everyone is great because everyone can play. Other people on the other hand want Nintendo to be gritty and more mature themed then in the next breath they're talking about this preschool mashfest....

"We need more blood, who are you gonna be in Smash Bros?"

It also doesn't help Nintendo that much because this solidifies their image that you can give it's fans a shallow, weak, childish, button masher and they're content. Heck they're not only content they're excited! Why bother with other consoles and their games when you can play great Wii games like Smash Bros which is bop people on the head, rinse, and repeat.

Oh but wait there's a level editor, oh I'm sorry. So people have to use at least a bit of their synapses to build some levels before they zone out kindergarten playground style.

Not that kindergarten style is bad, I don't want to see blood and gore in a Nintendo game featuring the characters. I mean a REAL fighting system would be nice with actual moves but that's too deep for the audience so that's toned down to simply a rock, paper, scissors style and it's a nice shallow aside.

People are saying this is all they're going to play on the Wii? What? I can't even comprehend this.

Do these people also wash their hair and when they rinse cry out and say "ALRIGHT! I get to do it again!"

That's what this game is, rinse and repeat. Fight characters using shallow sets of moves until you beat the other guy and work your way up the ladder.

Maybe it's because there's not many fighting games for Nintendo owners that this is so popular. Maybe it's a case where pillow fighting is better then no fighting at all?

It's working for them though and they'll sell a lot of copies and I'm sure that review sites are going to grade it highly as well. That still doesn't make it rise above junk food. American Idol gets great numbers and anyone who calls that even passable has issues.

Smash Bros is a good game for what it is, sadly too many try to make it more.

That's where it fails.

You know who has it worst in a natural disaster? Fish

I mean think of it, dogs, cats, monkeys, pretty much any sort of pet has a fighter's chance in a natural disaster. They can run away, hide somewhere, monkeys can shave themselves and dress up in clothes and try to evacuate with all the people.

Fish on the other hand can just stay there. I mean sure, they can hide in whatever decorations you put in the fish tank but they're still not going anywhere. And if the tank breaks? Well they're doubly screwed.

Even if the tank doesn't break they're screwed. Dogs can go looking for food in the trash but what do fish do? They're stuck in their own little environment unable to get anything. Know where Dominoes DOESN'T deliver? Fish tanks.

Oh and why do people buy fish bowls anymore? I mean what kind of horrible person do you have to be to buy a fish bowl in this day and age? Someone is at home thinking "Hmmm if I could give an animal the human equivalent of a 6 x 6 room where it spends the rest of it's life that would be grand, I know! A fish bowl!"

Bad enough we take fish and say "Here Goldfish, two feet of swimming is a lifetime's worth, it's not like we're on a planet that's 75% water, I'm sure you'd have nowhere to go in the wild. Wait here I'll be back after the hurricane"

Back to the monkey topic, know what I've always wanted to do?

Shave a monkey all over but the top of his head. Then dress him up in kids clothes and enroll him in the local elementary school as my very ugly nephew who I just got custody of. (in the story his dad would have run off with Jane Goodall*) At about 10am I'd get a call....

"Yes? sir? Your nephew bit three of the teachers and wont stop smacking the other children. He doesn't seem to want to take any sort of direction and he also seems to be thirsty because he's been signaling for "cup" for the past hour"

Who here has Sirius?

I love Sirius because it's nonstop music, well ok it's not nonstop music because some stations do have DJ's but even they're good. It's the kind of musical interruption you like, not the 5 mins of commercials that regular radio has. Do other countries have Sirius? Well since I know this place is global I'll explain what it is, it's satellite radio that has a monthly fee but because of that it's got zero commercials, very nice if I say so myself very Boratishy. (oh and anyone who hasn't seen Borat needs to see it, one of the greatest movies made in recent time. If you want to know why America does some of the things it does there is the reason)

If any of you DO have Sirius I strongly suggest the Saturday Night Safety Dance which airs Friday nights on channel 22, 1st Wave. Great stuff.

Ok, know the Golden Grahams slogan "Cram all that graham"?

Well for some reason the only thing I can think of when I hear it is trying to stuff your grandmother somewhere where she wont fit.

It's 9am and you're putting away the breakfast dishes and you see a white ice cream truck pull up and two guys dressed in white with butterfly nets come out of it. You panic and grab your grandmother saying nothing but "They're coming to take you to the home, you have to hide!" so you open up the cupboards under the kitchen sink and you start stuffing your grandmother underneath. She wont fit so you grab on the sink with both hands and push her with your foot trying to stuff her in saying...

"Have.....to.....cram.....in..all...of...Gram"

Maybe that's just me though

Oh here's something. When telemarketers call I sometimes pretend I don't know English. I pretty much just take words I've heard from other languages on TV. So someone will call up and be like ...

Telemarketer: Hello, this is crook on a hook asking for the owner of the house.

Me: Sabato Gigante! Viva Las Caliente!

Do you think that happens in other countries? Someone is home and sick of telemarketers so they answer the phone....

German Telemarketer: Germanwords gernmanwords germanwords

German guy: Superbowl hotdog rodeo! Cup o' noodles!

Lastly I'll add this. Orange juice with pulp is disgusting. I don't know who is asking the juice makers of the world to make this abomination in a cup. Who is calling saying....

"Can you give us a juice that's like someone chewed the fruit and then spit it into a glass?" "Yeah I know we live in the civilized world where we can strain out impurities so we could get straight juice but I'm the kind of guy that likes the old days when it was disgusting"

If I want an orange I'll eat an orange, if I want juice I'll drink juice in 100% LIQUID form.

*if you need help with the joke search for Jane Goodall, made me laugh

Stupid people, they've everywhere.

We deal with stupid people every single day, heck some people don't even KNOW they're stupid but then again, well, that's par for the course.

Did I just say some? I meant most, if not all. Heck I lost them after I said "We deal" right? So they're not going to be mad, ok it's all. ALL stupid people don't know they're stupid.

But are stupid people happier?

Of course they are!!!!

Stupid people are happier because they don't know more then the face value of any problem. They have no idea of consequences or ramifications. All they know about a subject is what's seen at face value of the situation, they have no idea about the depth of the problem.

Even the worst problems seem small when you look at them quickly on the surface.

Plus stupid people are so easy to distract to get their mind AWAY from a problem. It's not like they're deeply invested in anything so when you have a stupid person that you need to cheer up just wave a fun size Snickers in front of them. It works on two levels...

1. The wrapper is shiny, stupid people love (and are easily distracted by) shiny things

2. It's candy, nuff said.

Now we come up to one of the occasions where stupidity rules supreme.

Valentines Day!!!

Yes folks, the day where stupid people come out in droves.

You have all the types of stupid people facing front.

The ones who do something nice on Valentines Day but that's it. Nothing like showing off that you KNOW you're doing a bad job when it takes the date to make you do something for your significant other. Know what Valentines Day should be? A day just like all the others but instead of the card you usually give it should be themed differently. If Valentines Day sparks you into action go and put it back in hibernation mode, you're done.

Then you have the stupid people who base a relationship on it. These people start relationships because of Valentines Day, they keep a relationship going because of Valentines Day, or they try a relationship again because of Valentines Day. These stupid people use Valentines Day as a reason to do ANYTHING in a relationship. Of course you can't explain to them that their ideas are stupid because being stupid they'll just look at you blankly. So they make poor choices and there's nothing you can do to make them any smarter so they're stuck with it.

Let's not even start on the people that think it's called ValentiMes Day....

And really, can you talk to ANY stupid person? No you can't.

Oh sure you can try but they never understand it on your level. They always get confused five words into the explanation and then you need to start over and dumb it down even more for the stupid people. By the time you dumb it down to the point they can understand it you sound just as stupid. They've now succeeded in making you just as stupid as they are.

Here's an example....

Stupid person: Blah blah blah (something about the war in Iraq)

Smart person: Well you see the trouble in Iraq is difficult to solve because of the three factions that...

Stupid person stares blankly

Smart person: Ok, so you see it's that some people don't get along and when they're all in the same place they have a hard time....

Stupid person stares blankly

Smart Person: BAD PEOPLE NEAR SAND, VERY VERY BAD

Stupid person nods gleefully in agreement and takes the fun size Snickers you just handed them.

So what can we do with stupid people? Sadly not very much.

The problem lies in the situation that I described above. There is no way to confront this problem directly.

I understand that many have to deal with stupid people and sometimes they handle it poorly. I also understand that dealing with it poorly is a mixture of two things....

1. They are fed up and just lose their temper

2. They are stupid as well

So I'd like to suggest an alternative to the way you interact with stupid people. Don't point out their stupidity, this makes them reinforce their stupidity and closes their mind to accept anything else. Done enough times they will always be beyond help.

Instead disregard whatever stupidity is in the conversation and just add REAL dialogue in small, easy to mentally digest pieces and hope for the best. Sometimes it'll work and sometimes it wont but this is the only way we'll ever see progress. It wont be overnight but maybe over time we could see a difference.

What's my backup plan?

I got a pocket full of fun size Snickers.