Jaysonguy's Blog - GameSpot

Title	Score
Pro Evolution Soccer 2008	9.0
Excite Truck	8.5
MLB Power Pros	9.0
Kirby's Adventure	8.2
Digimon Digital Card Battle	9.1
Rayman Raving Rabbids	9.8
Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door	9.8

11Nov 08

Why Dating A Gamer Is Awful

Never date a gamer, gamers are the worst possible people you could date.
You always hear gamers say "Oh I wish I could find a girl/guy who was a gamer".
Oh no you don't, that is your worst nightmare.

Why are gamers so awful, well let's start with the hardware and software you'll need in a relationship with a gamer...

2 television sets: You're gamers so the standard 20 inch tube set wont work. So be prepared to buy 2 LCD sets that range from the bedroom size of 40 inches to a living room of 60 or more. All playing together will be online because neither one will share TV space for split screen. You'll each have your own TV for your gaming, and they better be close in specs or one will always be complaining.

2 of every console. Have a Wii? Well then you have two. Can't wait for the XBOX 720? Well the two 360's is an interesting way to do it. You'll need 2 consoles so you can play...

2 of every title. When a new game comes out you're both going to want to play it. That means 2 Fables, 2 Little Big Planets, 2 Mario Galaxies. No one is going to wait until the other one is done with it.

One heck of a broadband service. No wimpy DSL or cable service. We're talking Verizon FIOS or higher so both consoles are able to download all the patches and demos you need without slowing down the other person too much.

That's just the hardware side of things, let's also get into the other aspect of the relationship...

You can't talk about almost all of the games you're playing because you don't want to spoil it for the other person. That means any part of the 60 hours you've logged on Fallout? Mum's the word! Unlock the secret mystery in Fable? Zip it!

You can't even ask each other for help because it spoils something for the other person.

So great job, now you're unable to talk about your hobby completely

Dating a gamer may look good on the surface but in the end it's a costly and complicated relationship that leaves no one the winner.

Posted Nov 11, 2008 11:59 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

12Oct 08

Jesus Christ's New Job

With it being Sunday and all sometimes the thoughts drift into religion.

Today I'm wondering if Jesus Christ is still a carpenter plus what else is he doing these days?

Back in the day a carpenter was a high tech job. So when Jesus Christ was doing it you knew he was a capable guy doing a job that needed smarts and skill. When you asked Jesus Christ to make a desk for you he didn't open a box and put together the pre arranged pieces. He measured and cut and sanded everything himself.

Is he still doing it today?
I understand that he died for our sins but does that include being under the worst glass ceiling in history?

With all the people always getting an invite upstairs he must always be learning new things. Maybe he even goes back to school every once and a while. He wouldn't be a teacher though because that's too easy a job that doesn't even have a year long commitment. Whatever Jesus Christ picks it would be a career where you have to be trustworthy and would need long term dedication.

Maybe Jesus Christ is doing IT work these days. He's in charge of a giant network and he fixes everything that glitches up the lines. People send him requests and he has to help them with their problems.

Also, if we're on the subject of Jesus Christ doing new things don't you think he's sick of the music by now?

For centuries he's heard songs like "Oh Jesus Christ walk on water" "Died for our sins" "Up on the cross" I always imagine that when he hears these songs he's yelling down "Great, I walked on water...........two thousand years ago! I took up golf, anyone want to sing about that? Not only is my handicap a 3 but I cured 3 handicaps on the way to the 7th hole last weekend. Nope, don't want to disturb you, you just sing the 20,000th song about me hopping across the pond"

Plus, don't you think the cross bothers him?
Do this, imagine your favorite grandmother. Now imagine that grandmother died by slipping on a bath mat and hitting her head on the toilet. When she died you went out and had a charm made of your grandmother laying prone on that bath mat with the toilet. You think your family is going to love your new jewelry? Way to do Nana proud?

What happens if Jesus Christ runs into someone with a cross on the street on his way to pick up his dry cleaning? He just looks at them puzzled for a sec then says "Hey, I don't want to be rude but you know that I died on one of those right? I mean they NAILED me to it and they tortured me until I died. It was pretty well known and I'm just wondering why you're wearing that?"

It's gotta be a sore spot.

When I think Jesus Christ I don't think about a guy who did things in the past. I think of a guy who did them in the past and he's still doing things today.

Posted Oct 12, 2008 11:07 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

4Oct 08

Nintendo Has Failed It's Users

Well Nintendo's done it.

They pulled the wool over everyone's eyes. Suckered them all into investing in the Wii this generation and then pulled the rug out from under everyone who they fooled.

We shoudnt be angry, it's just how their "kind" operates.
You know their "kind" don't you?

A developer who knows that they can fool people into buying whatever they throw out just because of a name on the box.

Usually this is reserved for companies like Capcom, now it's Nintendo.

In the past Nintendo has been respected. As being one of the best developers and publishers with so many franchises followed by millions, they COULD have released anything but they chose not to. Their games all had a level of care and polish not seen from anyone else in the industry.

Their new games might take a while but you always looked forward to their new titles because they were going to fantastic.

Nintendo has decided that users don't want games in 2008 and 2009, instead they want to play all the Gamecube games again. They want it's users to go back to 2001.

Oh and they don't want to just PORT the games over. No, that would be silly. They want to tack on new control schemes! If it's one thing the Wii desperately needs it's MORE last gen games with tacked on controls. Shoddy looking games with controls never intended for the game? Where do I sign up???

Now I know some of you are having a hard time understanding that Nintendo pulled the wool over your eyes and you're going to try to make yourself feel better with the next sentence...

"Nintendo has rereleased games before, lots of times"

Here's where I crush your last shred of hope.....

Games like "Link to the Past" HAVE been rereleased but there's one major difference.

The game was always rereleased on a platform that could not play the other version. That means if you bought the SNES version and you want it for the GameBoy Advance you can't stick the NES cart in your handheld. If you have a Wii that's not going to take that SNES cart either.

Nintendo is rereleasing Gamecube games.
Just to point this out, the Wii plays every single Gamecube game ever made. The insides of the Wii hide a Gamecube. There's no software emulation, no code to be written, nothing, nada, zilch. The hardware is Gamcube hardware. Put in a Gamecube game and you have Gamecube hardware playing that game.

Nintendo knows it can make money though. Never mind the fact that they make profit on the Wii and the DS. Never mind the fact that their first party games are already huge sellers.

Nintendo knows it can fool it's base into getting old games just because it has the name Nintendo slapped on the front of the case.

Nintendo is also doing this with the Gamecube. The worst modern day console and one of the worst consoles of all time. A console with such a sucktacular library and hardware that it forced Nintendo to change everything and make the Wii.

The Gamecube was such a huge failure that Nintendo had to change it's strategy or stop making games. So of course what all gamers want to do is revisit this generation of fail.

Maybe this is Nintendo trying to make up the money it lost last gen with it's awful hardware and game support. Maybe they think they can sucker enough people to finally make the money they thought they'd make last gen.

Another thing people are going to say is this.....

"You don't have to buy the remakes"

Oh, did a little glimmer of hope pop up that I didn't crush earlier? Let me get that.....

Nintendo is using time and money making these games. They're using time and money that could be going for new games and putting them towards old games. Nintendo doesn't use it's low level guys for anything, heck Nintendo doesn't even HAVE low level guys. If you look at the history of Nintendo rereleasing games on different platforms they are all polished and have problems fixed. Once again I'll bring up "Link to the Past", the rerelease on the GBA was more polished and fixed flaws that were in the SNES version.

So yeah, the guys who SHOULD be making new games? They'll be busy making the old ones.

Nintendo already has your money since you bought a Wii so you helped their market share. They fooled you into thinking that they were going to support you and they failed you. Not only did they fail you but now they're insulting you as well by trying to show off the fact that you can do everything you did last gen all over again. The Wii isn't a whole new way to play games, it's a whole new way to sucker people.

I wish I could tell all of you I told you so but the sad fact is they suckered me too.

Posted Oct 4, 2008 4:40 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

6Sep 08

Happy Birthday Jason, Here Is Disease!

It is my birthday and for such an event my body thought the perfect gift was disease.

Nothing bad, either a cold or a flu. Except you die from a flu so I always like the cold option. I actually prefer the 24 hour bug version,nah I like the 72 hour bug. See if it's a 24 hour bug then people think you were just faking that one day and making it out to be more then it was. 72 hour bug gives you time to act sick, understand that being sick SUCKS, and then you're better.

I've been sick all week so I have an "official" sickness. I cough, I have a fever, sore throat, I'm a little loopy in the head, and when I rinse out my sinuses it looks like I'm trying to smuggle pineapple yogurt because about a quarter cup of fluid with that viscosity runs out of my nose each and every time I do it.

That's the weird thing with noses. You blow your nose and nothing much comes out. Go flush out your sinuses and here comes the yogurt. Sometimes I wonder if losing so much mucous makes you dizzy because your head is lighter after it's all empty.

It's also Go Nagai's birthday today.
Who is Go Nagai? Well if you're asking that then I'll tell you, if you didn't ask that then please hold on a second why I explain to everyone else.

Go Nagai is the man who created all of the super robots I love. He's one of the fathers of anime and is the father of giant robots. He made...

Getter Robo

Mazinger

Grendizer

Cutey Honey

If there is a Japanese Giant Robot he probably had a hand in creating it. Heck some places even have statues of his giant robots as shown here....

I'm pretty sure that's in Spain

He didn't do just robots but those are the ones I love the most.

Heck just this morning I was racing in Forza 2 to the soundtrack from Great Sea Battle and then the Getter Robo G soundtrack.

I downloaded every single demo on XBOXLive. It wasn't that I wanted to play them all it was to see if I could fill up my hard drive.

I'm sick, I'm going now. I'll do my usual stuff when I run out of yogurt.

Posted Sep 6, 2008 7:44 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

28Aug 08

The Wii Is A Trash Can

Yes, the Wii is a trash can.

Well ok, that's not fair. That's an insult to the trash can because at least a trash can doesn't require you to buy specially developed trash to throw away.

With the latest rumors swirling around with Capcom's Resident Evil 2 being redone (please GOD let them be false) it's now official. The Wii is the place where trash goes.

It's not a surprise that the best selling console gets shovelware, if you have a profitable console you get shovelware. You HOPE for shovelware because that means your console is doing well. Lesser devs who can't compete with the big boys make crappy games trying to lure a few inexperienced buyers, it's the circle of life.

What's depressing about the Wii is that REAL developers put out trash for the console.

Capcom's latest blunder is proof positive it's following the line of devs that dump their trash on the Wii. They started off well with Resident Evil 4 and then made a strong follow up with Zack and Wiki, then their REAL intentions started coming with a broken, ugly Okami. Not only did the PS2 version control better but it LOOKED better as well. Then Capcom decided to release Resident Evil 0 with Wii controls and all was lost. Capcom has found out that even though these games are old and dated they can be rehashed over and over for the Wii.

Goodbye new titles, hello new trash for the Wii!!!

It's not just Capcom either. The Wii gets plenty of trash from everyone.

No More Heroes was supposed to be a huge title for the Wii. Instead it was a broken game that looked bad, played bad, and sounded bad. The only thing that saved it was the story. Slow, repetitive, boring gameplay to get further in the story. The SAME EXACT THING over and over and over. While you're not focusing on the story you can take time out to see just how little care was given when the game was made.

I've come to the conclusion the "dumpster scenario" is why some people like it. Normally you'd scoff at the idea of eating a 2 day old hamburger BUT if you had to eat something out of a dumpster and it was between the 2 day old hamburger and a shoe covered in mold you'd pick the hamburger over hobo shoe any day of the week.

Same with No More Heroes. If you want a game like that and you have a Wii it's that or nothing.

Anyone who is interested in the game should just rent a Tarantino movie and wave your arms while you navigate the menus. You'll have more fun.

Even good games are an example of trying to be transformed into trash.

MLB Power Pros and MLB Power Pros are the best games that the Wii has to offer. They're great in every possible way except one.

2K neuters the titles!!!!!!

That's right, the best games on the Wii could be better. But 2K doesn't want to do that. Instead they'll water down the games by takes out features and gameplay modes.

The Wii is a great console but more and more it's a trash can. Used by developers that put their least capapable people on games (Capcom with Okami) and stripped titles that are laughable compared to what the games are supposed to have (2K with MLB)

So next time you take a look at the Wii make sure you're seeing this

and not seeing this

Because it's plain as day that developers can't tell the difference.

WONDERFUL UPDATE EVERYONE!!!!

Resident Evil 2 will NOT be remade!!!!!

Now all they have to do is stop that awful Dead Rising game and we'll be getting somewhere!

Posted Aug 28, 2008 8:08 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

13Aug 08

Move Over Wii - Hello New XBOX360

Well the time has come.
I was a Wii only gamer this gen but I decided that the time is right to get a 360.

I picked up an Elite bundle and I love it.

Before I get the "You should have waited for the Jasper chipset you noob" let me explain my plan because it's awesome.

1. I had the store take off the 50 dollar price cut when I bought it.
2. It came with two games that I want that each retail for 29.99 (Forza 2 and Marvel Ultimate Alliance)
3. I bought the extended warranty for 59.99

Now check this out. The warranty is the same price as those two games that I would be buying if I bought the Jasper so I paid the same amount of money PLUS I get the extended warranty.

This one has the Falcon and people say that the XBOX360 is loud? All you can hear is the fan and the disk drive spinning. The people that are like "It's so loud don't even think about watching movies with it because you wont hear the dialogue" To those people I say you are nuttier then a Snickers.

The Wii is great and I don't know how any gamer can NOT have it since it breathes new life into a ton of different genres and franchises but it can only go so far. To put it another way, it's great to try new foods but sometimes you want a tried and true home cooked meal. The 360 is the tried and true home cooked meal.

The software for the console has grown to the point to where there's titles already released that I want and there's titles in the future that I'm looking forward to. Heck I even did something I NEVER said I'd do, I preordered a game! How crazy is that? Of course I broke it down factoring in that if I preordered Fable 2 I'd get Pub Games free and then I got the limited edition with extra game content all for the price of the regular edition plus tax at the store so I was like "ehh screw it" and picked it up.

Netflix was another grab for me. The ability to watch movies and shows instantly was HUGE for me. I like a lot of obscure stuff and the XBOX360 is the ONLY console to offer me the ability to watch it on my TV.

I like the demo service, it's not a big deal to me but it's a nice addition to try out games. With a 120gig drive and awesome broadband connection I've downloaded every demo possible I think lol That's more to seeing if I can download them all rather then actually trying the games. I do try a few but I just wanted to see what that puppy could do lol

In the fall when we're able to download games to the hard drive (although leaving the disk in the drive to check for ownership) there will be another jump in performance. Load times and small glitches will be erased.

The avatar system sounds fun too. Sure it's a total rip off of the Mii's but it works for the Wii and they're using it on the 360. It's stupid to not do what works when you're able. I like the idea of avatars because it takes creativity to create something to represent you instead of just copy/pasting a picture made by someone else and calling it you. The pictures seem like a "casual" thing where they give you a picture quick so you can start learning to play video games, well versed gamers can take the time to create something unique.

So now the Wii has to give up some space for the 360. There's just too much to play this gen to say the Wii can do everything, it can't and it will never be able to. Games wont be able to be ported to it and if they are they'll suck. Heck even last gen games ported to it suck (Hi Okami you broken heap of a game). The Wii simply cannot do it all, it has it's own area of games and it does them very well but if you want the opportunity to play all the genres available these days you need a second console so why not pick the best?

Right now the 360 is doing everything the best. It's not limited in it's games and it's not making you wait for a future date to utilize the console. It's the best for games, online, and media right now and for the foreseeable future.

It was a nice upgrade and I'm glad I did it.

Posted Aug 13, 2008 4:31 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

18Jul 08

Microsoft Has Won - Sony Has Lost

Well that's it, Microsoft has won.
Honestly, it was never a race but now Sony is so busy falling over themselves that it's laughable. There was a time you could just not see eye to eye with someone who took Sony up on their promises, now you just feel bad.

Sony wants you to wait and one day you'll have the best console. They love talking about their ten year plan, what they forget to tell everyone is that in the beginning of that cycle they'd be offering nothing but crap. It's one of the most sophisticated pieces of hardware you can buy yet it fails to beat the 360 at anything.

This is what Sony is saying....

USER : "I wonder what console I want?"
SONY : "Please buy the most sophisticated console ever"

USER : "Oh great, so it'll do everything the best right? I love the best!"
SONY : "Well no, new technology takes time, research and development, you know"

USER : "Oh, well that's ok, so it'll do most things best?"
SONY : "As we said before, it takes time. Did we mention the ten year plan?"

USER : "Oh, well I guess that's ok then. I have my last gen library to hold me over"
SONY : "And you'll love playing them on your PS2!"

USER : "Don't you mean my PS3?"
SONY : "We don't support that anymore"

USER : "Why did you do that?"
SONY : "You said you didn't want it anymore"

USER : "I did? I could have sworn......Well anyhow as long as I'm able to play the exclusive Final Fantasy I'm in!"
SONY : "Yeah, about that.........."

Sony doesn't want to offer you the best games, the best media experience, the best online service, the best content.......
The list can go on and on, everything they want to offer users now is SECOND RATE.
With the hope that someday you MAY have the best, maybe.

Microsoft on the other hand wants to offer you the best.
If you want the best games you play them on the 360
If you want the best online service you pick the 360
If you want the best media content you pick the 360

How did Grand Theft Auto feel on the PS3? Lacking? Oh that's right because the full version isn't on the PS3, it's on the 360. Want the incomplete version of Fallout? Well the PS3 version is right there waiting for you. Do you want the FULL Version? Well then you'll want to get the 360 version.
I could make the joke that in Madden the 360 version has all the teams while the PS3 version never heard of a team called "The Packers" but something tells me it's too close to the truth.

As I mentioned before, Final Fantasy is now on the 360. That sound you heard when Final Fantasy was announced was every Sony exec wailing in a panic.

Netflix is another 7 million plus waiting to join the 360's ranks. With a larger userbase installed Netflix will be able to offer more movies online PLUS entertainment you can't get anywhere else on your TV.

Sony's last arguing point is that the PS3 is outselling the 360 right now. Well that's very true, it is. Although when we take a closer look we see that at the margin it's selling the PS3 will beat the 360 in sales in 200 months, to put it another way that's.....

16 YEARS!

At the current rate the PS3 will outsell the 360 in 16 years. Now I wasn't a math major in school but I'm almost positive that's over a half decade more then Sony's 10 year plan.

Microsoft has won.

Posted Jul 18, 2008 5:37 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

11Jul 08

Do You Have Self Esteem For Gaming?

Time for a game everybody!

We're going to play "Do I have healthy self esteem for gaming?"

It's really easy to play, all you need to do is see if some of the following comments describe how you feel.

1. There are certain games that I feel funny about buying, maybe even some I wouldn't buy at all because I'm afraid how I might look doing it.
2. I care what systems I buy. I limit myself to choices that don't allow others to question who I am.
3. I care about what else is on my system of choice. I'm afraid that others people's choices will reflect on me and I'm afraid to be judged that way.
4. I care who is playing the system of my choice. I don't want to play a system that my Mom or grandmother can play. That would make people think less of me as a gamer and that threatens me.

If you answered yes to any of those statements then I'd like you to sell off your systems and pick another hobby. You're lacking self esteem needed for gaming.

All gaming comes down to one thing.

Pretending to be an imaginary character in a world of make believe.

Let me say that again. You're playing MAKE BELIEVE!

What's sad is that there's such a large chunk of people that are scared, afraid, even petrified to make a misstep when it comes to gaming.

I also love how many people think that people care.

Some people actually use this logic.......

"Buying Super Princess Peach is bad, buying Super Mario Bros is ok, buying Grand Theft Auto is best!"

Yes that's right, that hottt girl you see really thinks you're a cool customer because you're buying a certain game. She is no way unimpressed that you're afraid to buy certain games. You know what they say? The best way to show a woman you're a stud is to be afraid of things.

Who cares what games are on a system?

Are you buying them?

No?

Ok then what is it? And don't give me this "I'm worried about how the company looks" because that's a lie and we both know it. You're worried that people are going to see through your shell and once that happens it's all over.

It's the same for who plays what system and who you play with. Heck, I play Pokemon with my Mom and I don't feel "ashamed", I'm not scared that someone might see me a certain way. I don't care because here's another thing in life, the people who worry about these things don't matter in real life. They're too busy hiding away trying to look cool instead of being cool.

That's the nice thing about self esteem. When you have it you don't care about who plays what or who does what. You don't worry about yourself and you do what you want, if you want a certain game you go to the store and buy it. You want a system go buy it. You want to play with someone you go do it. Makes life a lot easier.

Just remember, it's all make believe!

Enjoy yourself

Posted Jul 11, 2008 4:52 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

19May 08

Your Baby Is Not Special

Own a baby? Great, I want to explain something to you.

Your baby is not special, stop bothering people with it.

Your baby falls into two categories....

1. It's normal looking which means it looks like EVERY OTHER BABY IN THE WORLD

2. Your baby is ugly.

Both cases mean that you should not show that baby to people thinking it's special. It's not special, it's boring. Especially the normal looking ones.

Normal looking babies are boring, they all look exactly the same except they come in different shades. Black, white, various shades of tan, they all look the same. Even boys and girls, there's no difference. Want to know why parents dress them in blue and pink? Because they look the same!

Ugly babies are interesting but the parents of ugly babies never understand that their child is ugly. If a parent walked up to me and said "Hey wait till you check this one out" and showed me a baby that could be mistaken for a shaved monkey foot then yeah I'd probably be impressed. Instead they come up to you and say it's a beautiful baby. It's not a beautiful baby. Someone took a well oiled catchers mitt and left it in your stroller.

And what's with people showing you their kids? Everywhere you look people want to show you their kids with a sense of entitlement/pride because they reproduced. It's no big deal, people have been making babies for years. Sometimes two and three at a time. These things aren't rare because.....you know......we're here. If we're here right now it means that humanity mastered that whole "baby" part of life a while ago. You're just getting on the bus so go far to the back and shut your mouth until spoken to.

They even make books of babies, just pictures and pictures of these freaky little creatures dressed up in costumes. Anne Geddes has made millions taking these things and making whole books out of them. She takes a baby unlike any other and then dresses it like a flower and charges 20 bucks.

Now in the digital age it's worse. People have these things on their cell phones, and it's not just one picture either. Oh it would be great if I had to see one baby picture but now it's an album, an album of it in different positions all looking the same. Emails too. Forget Spam in your inbox, now you have pics of babies in there. It's not even like a birthday party (which I don't even understand why you have birthdays for babies it's just a way for pompous parents not to get over themselves) it's something like "Thursday spaghetti"

While I'm glad your offspring has all the balance of a three legged table in an earthquake just tell me it fell down, it'll be faster so I can go on with my life and you can bother someone else with that nonsense.

Something has to be done and once again I nominate myself for the job.

Here's my idea. I propose we set up a web site that has one dozen pictures of a baby on it. Users would select what skin tone their baby is and then get 12 pics to show to everyone. Every parent would have the same pics and only be able to distribute those dozen pics. In a matter of hours everyone on the planet would see those 12 pics and we'd be done. Parents could go onto other things like raising these things instead of telling you about them and the rest of us wouldn't have to waste time looking at them.

Heck, a guy can dream can't he?

Posted May 19, 2008 5:06 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

12Apr 08

Why I Will Not Bite You

I'm not going to bite you.

See my teeth are only like 4 or 5 inches away from my eyes no matter how I position my mouth. That means that if I was going to bite you all you have to do is poke me in the eye with your finger and it's all over, you win.

The eyelid isn't going to protect anything either, how thick is an eyelid? Like a 100th of a millimeter? I'm pretty sure if I were to take a cotton ball and throw it with some muscle behind it it would hurt my eyeball through the lid. To be honest I'm not exactly sure how strong my eyelids are and it's something I don't plan on testing. I know they keep light out unless it's really bright and stops water when I shampoo, case closed.

So if I was going to bite you I put my most vulnerable part of my body right there along with the teeth. How is that to my advantage?

You see dogs and they always bite and I wish I could get the point across that when they bite their eyes are right there too. Then again a lot of animals bite for the wrong reasons so I'm not sure I really want to share the teeth/eyeball connection with the animal kingdom. If the word got out wolves would stop biting altogether and take up some karate at the local rec center and there's no way you can stop a wolf that knows karate. Though they would need to wait weeks while their karate uniforms were being tailored to fit their bodies so we would have one last chance to strike.

On a completely unrelated note I'd like to move to the Italian part of New York and then have a child named "Gurt". That way he can be around the neighborhood and when people need him they can call out... "YO!......GURT!"

Oh, know what else? Any song that includes the word "booty" can't be classified a love song. There has to be a line drawn and I've got the Sharpie in my hand. From this point on a song that contains the term "booty" must be reclassified, I don't care if it goes in an existing category or they make a completely new category. Perhaps the "I was raised in an environment completely devoid of class" category.

Let's see the Grammys award that one!

Posted Apr 12, 2008 10:13 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

13Mar 08

Smash Bros Is Broken, A Lot

I don't want to say I was right about Smash Bros but I was right about Smash Bros.

"Oh I can't wait for Smash can't wait for Smash can't wait for Smash"

Now it's broken, poor little Smash Bros is brokenZ.

As the immortal Nelson Muntz would say...

"HA HA"

For all the people saying what a great game Smash Bros would be? It's broken

For the months I've had to see Smash Bros topics? The game is broken

Oh yeah, can't see why Nintendo shelved Smash Bros and made sure Mario Galaxy made it to retail at Christmas.

Smash Bros is broken.

Now yes, there are a few who people who I'm honestly upset that their game is broken. I'm sorry your game is broken. I'm sorry online is horrible and that dropping connections and slide shows caused from slowdown plague your game.

On the other hand I just can't get over that dropped connections and slowdown plague Smash Bros online. I didn't know that when people said 3 weeks until Smash Bros they meant three weeks to connect lol

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Smash Bros.

Smash Bros who?

Smash Bros is broken.

For people who believe in Karma THIS is Karma. People went overboard on this title and in return they get a broken game. People couldn't say enough how this game would be perfect in every single way and it's not, it's IMperfect. A lot. Because broken can't be perfect!

And that is Smash Bros. Just another broken game that has things that need to be overlooked if you want to enjoy the rest of it. It's not perfect. Heck, it's not even solid in all areas.

It's a game that people pushed up on a pedestal and it stayed there for all of three seconds.

Until the lag kicked in.

Posted Mar 13, 2008 5:27 pm GMT
Category:

3Mar 08

Smash Bros Brawl Will Fail On Wii

Smash Bros on the Wii is going to fail.

There's no way it lives up to the hype. I mean you have people saying it'll be one of the greatest games of all time. No, not even close.

Then you have people clogging up the forums because if you're a fan of Smash Bros then you're also unable to read instructions on how the forums work. I've come to call it "Smash Blindness" where people are oblivious to any sort of directions and just post....

"WHAT CHARAKTR DO U WANT TOO BE IN SMASH?"

This much hype shouldn't be put towards a button masher. Oh excuse me, I mean a button masher with some quicktime mashes mixed in for good measure. What? Thought I was going to call it a fighter? No, it's not a fighter. Put Smash Bros against the likes of Virtua Fighter or Dead or Alive and it pales in comparison. To call Smash Bros a fighter is like calling Mario Galaxy a FPS because of the star bits.

What gets me is that so many people put this title on a pedestal where it does not belong. It's the gaming equivalent of junk food. It's a bag of potato chips and people are trying to say it's a 4 course steak dinner. Smash Bros is closer to dog food then it is to steak.

It's a cutsey kids game that's fun to play and bop people on the heads with famous Nintendo characters. I'll be getting the game myself so I can do the exact same thing, bop people on the head. But at the end of the day I wont say what a masterpiece the game is.

People complain about Nintendo being kiddy then they can't wait for the most kiddy game to be released. I don't mind the image that Nintendo has, E for everyone is great because everyone can play. Other people on the other hand want Nintendo to be gritty and more mature themed then in the next breath they're talking about this preschool mashfest....

"We need more blood, who are you gonna be in Smash Bros?"

It also doesn't help Nintendo that much because this solidifies their image that you can give it's fans a shallow, weak, childish, button masher and they're content. Heck they're not only content they're excited! Why bother with other consoles and their games when you can play great Wii games like Smash Bros which is bop people on the head, rinse, and repeat.

Oh but wait there's a level editor, oh I'm sorry. So people have to use at least a bit of their synapses to build some levels before they zone out kindergarten playground style.

Not that kindergarten style is bad, I don't want to see blood and gore in a Nintendo game featuring the characters. I mean a REAL fighting system would be nice with actual moves but that's too deep for the audience so that's toned down to simply a rock, paper, scissors style and it's a nice shallow aside.

People are saying this is all they're going to play on the Wii? What? I can't even comprehend this.

Do these people also wash their hair and when they rinse cry out and say "ALRIGHT! I get to do it again!"

That's what this game is, rinse and repeat. Fight characters using shallow sets of moves until you beat the other guy and work your way up the ladder.

Maybe it's because there's not many fighting games for Nintendo owners that this is so popular. Maybe it's a case where pillow fighting is better then no fighting at all?

It's working for them though and they'll sell a lot of copies and I'm sure that review sites are going to grade it highly as well. That still doesn't make it rise above junk food. American Idol gets great numbers and anyone who calls that even passable has issues.

Smash Bros is a good game for what it is, sadly too many try to make it more.

That's where it fails.

Posted Mar 3, 2008 7:00 pm GMT
Category: Games

16Feb 08

Fish, Monkeys, and Grandma? Oh My!

You know who has it worst in a natural disaster? Fish

I mean think of it, dogs, cats, monkeys, pretty much any sort of pet has a fighter's chance in a natural disaster. They can run away, hide somewhere, monkeys can shave themselves and dress up in clothes and try to evacuate with all the people.

Fish on the other hand can just stay there. I mean sure, they can hide in whatever decorations you put in the fish tank but they're still not going anywhere. And if the tank breaks? Well they're doubly screwed.

Even if the tank doesn't break they're screwed. Dogs can go looking for food in the trash but what do fish do? They're stuck in their own little environment unable to get anything. Know where Dominoes DOESN'T deliver? Fish tanks.

Oh and why do people buy fish bowls anymore? I mean what kind of horrible person do you have to be to buy a fish bowl in this day and age? Someone is at home thinking "Hmmm if I could give an animal the human equivalent of a 6 x 6 room where it spends the rest of it's life that would be grand, I know! A fish bowl!"

Bad enough we take fish and say "Here Goldfish, two feet of swimming is a lifetime's worth, it's not like we're on a planet that's 75% water, I'm sure you'd have nowhere to go in the wild. Wait here I'll be back after the hurricane"

Back to the monkey topic, know what I've always wanted to do?

Shave a monkey all over but the top of his head. Then dress him up in kids clothes and enroll him in the local elementary school as my very ugly nephew who I just got custody of. (in the story his dad would have run off with Jane Goodall*) At about 10am I'd get a call....

"Yes? sir? Your nephew bit three of the teachers and wont stop smacking the other children. He doesn't seem to want to take any sort of direction and he also seems to be thirsty because he's been signaling for "cup" for the past hour"

Who here has Sirius?

I love Sirius because it's nonstop music, well ok it's not nonstop music because some stations do have DJ's but even they're good. It's the kind of musical interruption you like, not the 5 mins of commercials that regular radio has. Do other countries have Sirius? Well since I know this place is global I'll explain what it is, it's satellite radio that has a monthly fee but because of that it's got zero commercials, very nice if I say so myself very Boratishy. (oh and anyone who hasn't seen Borat needs to see it, one of the greatest movies made in recent time. If you want to know why America does some of the things it does there is the reason)

If any of you DO have Sirius I strongly suggest the Saturday Night Safety Dance which airs Friday nights on channel 22, 1st Wave. Great stuff.

Ok, know the Golden Grahams slogan "Cram all that graham"?

Well for some reason the only thing I can think of when I hear it is trying to stuff your grandmother somewhere where she wont fit.

It's 9am and you're putting away the breakfast dishes and you see a white ice cream truck pull up and two guys dressed in white with butterfly nets come out of it. You panic and grab your grandmother saying nothing but "They're coming to take you to the home, you have to hide!" so you open up the cupboards under the kitchen sink and you start stuffing your grandmother underneath. She wont fit so you grab on the sink with both hands and push her with your foot trying to stuff her in saying...

"Have.....to.....cram.....in..all...of...Gram"

Maybe that's just me though

Oh here's something. When telemarketers call I sometimes pretend I don't know English. I pretty much just take words I've heard from other languages on TV. So someone will call up and be like ...

Telemarketer: Hello, this is crook on a hook asking for the owner of the house.

Me: Sabato Gigante! Viva Las Caliente!

Do you think that happens in other countries? Someone is home and sick of telemarketers so they answer the phone....

German Telemarketer: Germanwords gernmanwords germanwords

German guy: Superbowl hotdog rodeo! Cup o' noodles!

Lastly I'll add this. Orange juice with pulp is disgusting. I don't know who is asking the juice makers of the world to make this abomination in a cup. Who is calling saying....

"Can you give us a juice that's like someone chewed the fruit and then spit it into a glass?" "Yeah I know we live in the civilized world where we can strain out impurities so we could get straight juice but I'm the kind of guy that likes the old days when it was disgusting"

If I want an orange I'll eat an orange, if I want juice I'll drink juice in 100% LIQUID form.

*if you need help with the joke search for Jane Goodall, made me laugh

Posted Feb 16, 2008 6:14 pm GMT
Category: Editorial

12Feb 08

Stupid People, Valentines Day, and Happiness

Stupid people, they've everywhere.

We deal with stupid people every single day, heck some people don't even KNOW they're stupid but then again, well, that's par for the course.

Did I just say some? I meant most, if not all. Heck I lost them after I said "We deal" right? So they're not going to be mad, ok it's all. ALL stupid people don't know they're stupid.

But are stupid people happier?

Of course they are!!!!

Stupid people are happier because they don't know more then the face value of any problem. They have no idea of consequences or ramifications. All they know about a subject is what's seen at face value of the situation, they have no idea about the depth of the problem.

Even the worst problems seem small when you look at them quickly on the surface.

Plus stupid people are so easy to distract to get their mind AWAY from a problem. It's not like they're deeply invested in anything so when you have a stupid person that you need to cheer up just wave a fun size Snickers in front of them. It works on two levels...

1. The wrapper is shiny, stupid people love (and are easily distracted by) shiny things

2. It's candy, nuff said.

Now we come up to one of the occasions where stupidity rules supreme.

Valentines Day!!!

Yes folks, the day where stupid people come out in droves.

You have all the types of stupid people facing front.

The ones who do something nice on Valentines Day but that's it. Nothing like showing off that you KNOW you're doing a bad job when it takes the date to make you do something for your significant other. Know what Valentines Day should be? A day just like all the others but instead of the card you usually give it should be themed differently. If Valentines Day sparks you into action go and put it back in hibernation mode, you're done.

Then you have the stupid people who base a relationship on it. These people start relationships because of Valentines Day, they keep a relationship going because of Valentines Day, or they try a relationship again because of Valentines Day. These stupid people use Valentines Day as a reason to do ANYTHING in a relationship. Of course you can't explain to them that their ideas are stupid because being stupid they'll just look at you blankly. So they make poor choices and there's nothing you can do to make them any smarter so they're stuck with it.

Let's not even start on the people that think it's called ValentiMes Day....

And really, can you talk to ANY stupid person? No you can't.

Oh sure you can try but they never understand it on your level. They always get confused five words into the explanation and then you need to start over and dumb it down even more for the stupid people. By the time you dumb it down to the point they can understand it you sound just as stupid. They've now succeeded in making you just as stupid as they are.

Here's an example....

Stupid person: Blah blah blah (something about the war in Iraq)

Smart person: Well you see the trouble in Iraq is difficult to solve because of the three factions that...

Stupid person stares blankly

Smart person: Ok, so you see it's that some people don't get along and when they're all in the same place they have a hard time....

Stupid person stares blankly

Smart Person: BAD PEOPLE NEAR SAND, VERY VERY BAD

Stupid person nods gleefully in agreement and takes the fun size Snickers you just handed them.

So what can we do with stupid people? Sadly not very much.

The problem lies in the situation that I described above. There is no way to confront this problem directly.

I understand that many have to deal with stupid people and sometimes they handle it poorly. I also understand that dealing with it poorly is a mixture of two things....

1. They are fed up and just lose their temper

2. They are stupid as well

So I'd like to suggest an alternative to the way you interact with stupid people. Don't point out their stupidity, this makes them reinforce their stupidity and closes their mind to accept anything else. Done enough times they will always be beyond help.

Instead disregard whatever stupidity is in the conversation and just add REAL dialogue in small, easy to mentally digest pieces and hope for the best. Sometimes it'll work and sometimes it wont but this is the only way we'll ever see progress. It wont be overnight but maybe over time we could see a difference.

What's my backup plan?

I got a pocket full of fun size Snickers.

Posted Feb 12, 2008 11:19 pm GMT
Category: Rant

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