It isn't what you think ^_^
16Nov 11Such a stark contrast.
Most were funny..Others were "OMG JOIN LL!"
BUt most of them was just fun and creative.
Oh how the mighty have fallen.
THe weird part is reading them in order was sad in a way...I sw my genious and then my slow breakdown..from fun to crap..from epic stories and ideas to crap.
I am going back to my old ways again..minus the advertising..ok there MIGHT be advertising but BTF isn't anything any of you can guess (see? a nseaky ad) .
I went from happy and creative and 90% of the time a tend setter.And now today..its all about BiPOalr breakdowns and life issues.
Things are about to change..Seeing the person you used to be woke somethng up in me..this isn't just about blogs here..its creativity..being myself,I could make something funny and not cliche like so many others do(none of them are on my tracked list anymore.I also noticed that ANdi isn't on my tracked list anymore after reading ALL of my old old blogs and that made me sad
I'm writing what on my mind from now on and it mmight be silly but TBH I wanna write again about things that only I can dream of not this emo bullS*** anymore.time to get out of the funk.
And for old times sake.
Born to fist is nothing any of you will ever guess.How epic will the forums there be?.WRONG it wont have forums..its something brand new and a new take on "forums"(wrap your mind around that .In your minds it will be an anti gamespot flame fest were they mock everything...WRONG...you will be surprised this time around.
/End obligitory advertisment..but here is a taste of what you can expect and no its not a site full of Java games
hehe feeling old school just hyping and advertisin again
15Nov 11My favorite and least favorite feeling is Fear.I watch scary movies all the time and read "scary" stories as well.My biggest fear is flying but when you land you feel a rush..in my case a HUGE rush (and sigh of releif).My fear of flying comes from two things..The first was my obsession with The Twilight Zone and the episode where william shatner was on the plane and a Gremlin was staring at him from outside the planes window.The second was a real life event..We were over L.A and hit turbulance that forced the plane to drop..It was like the feeling you have going downhill on a rollercoaster.What made things worse is it was during a storm and it was my first real thunderstorm and I had to see it up close(I don't remember many Thunderstorms in L.A back then at all).
My other actuall fear is Aliens and walking out of my house only to find myself in an alternate reality.
My experiance with "ALiens" was a weird one..I was getting ready for bed and let my dog in since she was barking like crazy..I saw a red light in the sky and I was staring at it...WHat felt like a moment later it was 6 am and the sun was coming up..I lost all memory from 12 PM to 6 am and what seemed like a moment lasted all night..SO what does that have to do with Aliens and not falling asleep standing up? Jen put it in my head that the reason I don't remember was becuase I was abducted and they erased my memory and thats why a couple seconds to me was an all night abduction..Ok so It sunk in and even though I am 100% sure I just fell asleep standing up staring at the red light...she seeded the thought in my head and it gave me a new fear.
The back storie on the "red light abduction" For a week I was moving equiptment into the new Toys R Us and was working from 4 am to around 2 am some nights.I didn't have to but I was dedicated to making it special.that and I was in charge and had an example to set..After a week of that my body was dead.This was in 96.
Ok one more questions for you guys and Deadite girls..WHat do you fear? have you ever had a red light in the sky moment?..When I say Red light dont take it literal..I just mean an event that couldn't be explained.If you don't have any red light moments then just make something up since people love pondering these things.
And last since I don't want to make another blog on this and it has nothing to do with the Subject matter of the blog at hand.
Me and Jenni talked..we talked all night.We are getting back together but she is moving to Port Angles.We have no plans ever returning to Montana.She spent a year hating me and after we talked openly last night..I take back calling her a money hungry whore.I spent all my time blaming her for the lowest low of my life..But talking last night something clicked in me and I realised that I am to blame for the breakup.She couldn't handle my OCD and BiPolar disorder and my constant addiction to drugs and booze.She always supported me thrpough those times and I was the one unwilling to change..I took her love and support for granted so I don't blame her for kicking me to the curb.We were together since the 3rd grade and she put up with the ups and downs in my life more then a normal person would care to.She saved my life after my parents died..and to clear one thing up to avoid confusion..I was adopted by a member of the band we toured with since it was either fall into americas sytem or be sent to Russia(post fall of the Soviets) to live with my family..In a blog before I said "Love ya dad" that was to my adopted father whome will never see that blog
I'm on cloud nine right now..This isn't my BiPolar issue either..Things I didn't care about anymore are making me feel good again..I have a never ending supply of music flowing through me...I feel like writing a million songs again or just going outside and feeling the wind and the smell of the rain again.I spent a year trying to find myself trying to feel the way she made me feel.
WHat I'm about to say might sound weird since I have a bad way with wording things.
I am happy for what happened to me this year...I feel like I can take on the world and write again...Here is the part I need to clear up like I mentioned about my way of wording things.Nothing will bring back Amandas hand and nothing will bring back my son..SO when you see me say "I'm happy this all happened" its to complicated to really explain.
I want to end this for my Son Alexander..He died on his 9th birthday in a drunk driving accident.I want to tell you who he was and the person he was.Alex was a christian from the time he hit preschool..He liked reading about Jesus and for as young as he was he was the kindest person alot of us wont have the chance of knowing.He found God on his own since Me and Jen are Satanist but we never forced our beleifs on him or amanda..But he sure pushed his beleifs on us..and we brushed it off letting him beleive what he would beleive.
SO to keep his dream alive I am going to do something nobody will understand.I don't beleive in god but he did at such an early age only to have his life taken from him.I'm picking up his mantle and doing away with my Anti Religion ideals and will be more involved helping spread the word he beleived.Call me an idiot.
Thats the end of the blog today..I'm on cloud 9 right now..I talked Jenni and Amanda to join Gamespot..cant promise she will behave so I give her one week before she gets herself banned for massivew trolling ..Oh and for nay sayers..the mods will know who is who and not me creating accounts for them
This isn't my BiPOlar speaking...afraid of heights but I'm happy on this cloud right now.
Ok back to fear and terror so please share your stories from the main subject and if you want you can mention the final part of the blog..Like I said..I didn't want to make two blogs.
Thanks guysgals And Sara(you know who you are) I'm going to come there this upcoming summer if you allow it so we can meet and maybe have some fun and you can show me around your province.I also plan to meet up with Chev/Martin while I'm there if he is willing to forgive me for ruining his favorite site .No I'm not talking out of my ass.I will be going to the UK this summer to shop around for a home or "flat".I gotta get away from the bigots here..I love AMerica but everyday is the same thing...Born here live here..Help ourt everywhere I can and I'm still refused service at ma and pa shops on my accent alone..And the irony of it..I was actually yelled at for stealing job sad when your born into the greatest country to me and your hated by the people who cant let go of the cold war.I am actually so nervous just going to the grocerie store or fill up stations..I just act like I'm a mute 90% of the time.This is why I am going to apply for the papers to be allowed to move overseas..Me Jen and my daughter want to fit in and be somewhere where we can talk and not be torn down by The red white and blue flags whavers.
The part that hurts me the most is I love America it has always been my home but I have learned they don't want us here
I wasn't even allowed to serve America after highschool when I tried to enlist in the armed forces..THATS how much I love this country but our kind aren't welcome here.
And in ending...This is one of the few blogs I have made where I made nothing up and as embarressin as it is I wanted to share my true feelings.
Ok now get to posting those strange events in your life since thats the point of this blog..like I said I didn't want to make a seperate
Love ya guys and gals..Why? you don't judge me for being a russian unlike the people in Real Life.You just judge me for my idiotcie and trust me..Its hard work trying to keep in Kcubes persona
Alot of great days in our future again
To end..I can't promise I wont be back in a year or sooner with random rage..I suffer BiPolar in a bad way but I'll try to get a little more controll over it.
14Nov 11And seriously there is no way to buy them all and even if I were rich like my last blogs typo implied I wouldn't be able to juggle them all..The ones I want are.
Assassins creed revelations
And a few others..Just named the big ones people would also want this month.
Already got Kybys return to dreamland..decent game but Epic yarn was better.Got Skyrim but MorrowWind was better.
FOr some reason the new games are good but I can't shake the feeling the older ones were more fun..not trying to be a cynic
I picked up Donkey Kong country returns and man its kicking me in the face..I breezed through the SNES DKC games but this one is kinda hard.I am also sick of motion controls..press down/shake to blow...run press down shake to roll..stand still shake to ground pound.I just want to press buttons not have to shake to do simple moves.If Nintendo ever got creative with the Motion controls I wouldn't be so butthurt over it.
Mario 3d land looks epic as usual.Have yet to play it(or buy it) though.Imagine a Mario game where he had all of ezios acrobatics(not to random stabbing of people..though that would be cool).Both are Italian so it would work.
Still waiting for Luigis mansion 2.
Been having problems with my PS3.It will play games fine but when I use the home buttun to return to the XMB the machine locks up and beeps a few times.Still better then my 360 since my 360 decided to start eating my games and now I can't get the tray to eject :rage: and for good measure..My wii won't play Smash bros brawl in any way
Besides a couple complaints..Today is a good day to game.I feel kinda bad for the stores selling them though..Black friday coming up and all.
Another thing on my mind is the retro games..I'm talking NES and master system.All three big consoles have put a few up to play but nothing to dramatic.I want to see a massive catalog of retro games and the end of the once a week release system for them and also an end to the eye candy upgrades.I know people want to see the major players like FInal Fantasy 3 and those oldschool games but alot of the other good games from back in the day will go unnoticed.Games like Clash at demonhead or the Power blades games..DUnno if I should mention a capcom game since they might already be pondering a way to whore out their catalog for a price noone will want to pay
Some sad news about Brad Pitt No he isn't dead.
12Nov 11Shared a a tad to much personal info last night and over looked it till today so I just nuked it all together rather then edit out some stuff
Like the actual song titles..hehe I can point that out since nobody will remember that anyways
I'll be taking a break this month till Late december/Jan..Life seems in order but I have some lingering issues obviously..Didn't notice it till I read over my blogs from the last couple months.I might enter rehab for pills and drinking...Actually I am going to enter rehab fpr pills.AFter my surgery I DID fill the RX and DID take a ton of them for the pain...except when I ran out I wanted more.If I fall back and relapse I will lose my daughter ...Pathetic sounding isn't it..A choice between Opiates and someone that makes your life worth living.SO instead of making something up...If they get me in to the place I want in minnisota I'll be gone and not taking "a break".Called Hazeldon(forgot how to spell it)
Havent told Amanda yet but me and Kerry already worked out a plan and I gave her money to use.
Now the important stuff.
My last blog got a few people tracking me...No offense but I dunno you people other the mr lero so I won't be tracking back unless you either PM me or I know you already.
Sonic got an 8.0 here today (took long enough)..Good to see the blue blur will be revived and not just a blur from the 90s.
THinking of putting up an actual good blog tonight on a subject I really like (anyone that says drugs and complaining gets shot)
And last...I use qriocity for music and when I logged in today they have a pic in the header of a PS3 Slim with a Stand..looks like the PS3 slim but A LOT slimmer..KInda like that final PS2 design so I'm expecting a new announcment for it here next week.
SO if you have Qriocity log in and check it out in the header.
please Stay tuned for further details As this is epic news for aloT of people on gamespot.
some people Are going to see it and either rage quit or roll their eyes..Like a god damNed phoenix from the ashes of the past.
all part of retro month.
ileft a clue somewhere on my Profile page here for those clever enough to find it
anyways If you want in then post it here and you can join before I spills the beans...And to keep mods and Admins from peeking we are keeping it a secret...SO even looking at activity or PMs won't get you anywhere.You have to solve the riddle I threaded and find the clue on this page.
iam not calling anyone stupid but nobody is going to solve either of them
iwill be linking a kind ladies blog tonight as part of my advertising other blogs.
9Nov 111 - a rumur went around that Sonic Generations got a 9.0 here *Waits
2 - I got modded when some dude said he was going to pee on a girl and I qouted him saying he would just get her wet.Yeah wasn't trying to be a perv TBH that one slipped past me 100% sadly = self ownage
3 - Heavy D died saving children from horrible music..their minds couldn't handle how awesome his music was RIP Heavy.
4 - Joe Frazier died from cancer
5 - It was on TV that John 5 is rejoining manson..ALONG WITH F******* TWIGGY RAMIREZ! (I'll believe it if he ever announces it)
6 - Blog to check out today is iowastate
9Nov 11A couple years ago I was playing Ratchet and Clank a crack in time.I had to fail each clock puzzle just to advance
.At the time I was on Anti anxiety meds(abusing them) and tons of painkillers(abusing them too),I felt really happy everyday and care free.I couldn't wake up in the morning without having my cup of coffee and 3 hydro codones and 7 Clonipins.After my routine and started feeling good I would play w/e game was closest and to me it was the best game ever made.The drugs altered things so much I would just walk around on Luigis Mansion doing nothing at all and seemed to have fun doing it.
It got to the point where if I got bored in World of Warcraft I would take a few more pills of choice.I did the same thing here.If things got boring I would pop a PK and things got funny again.
A couple lurkers and Jen pointed out I was an idiot..My kids pointed it out as well and even though I was high it hurt.SO I took all my bottles and dumped them in the toilet..I sweated terribly for months and couldn't sleep anymore so I took up drinking.But to make a longer story shorter I screwed everything up and stopped drinking as well.
So a year later I am groggy from waking up and play some Ratchet and clank and I solve the final clock puzzle in one shot.
The point of this blog is simple..Drugs are bad.This is why I feel bad for people like Charlie sheen and Amy winehouse.Once drugs get a grip on you and you let them get that grip on you..its all over till you hit the bottom.The good thing is if you make it through a brand new door opens up..Sadly Amy winehouse and a lot of others didn't make it.
It bugs me when I see kids around and on here talk about popping pills(been awhile here).I feel like a drunk dude at a BBQ trying to tell you that drugs destroy lives.
I'm on an anti drug kick today or something.I don't blame drugs for the way I am here though..even w/o them I look like an ass
This is the last blog I make about doing drugs..I really don't want to be the drunk uncle at the BBQ that says the same thing every weekend
8Nov 11A bike..one without a motor.I am thinking about a mountain bike since the roads are kinda rough.
Doing work and straining the body has actually given me to much energy so I want a bike
other things now
I am on a moderations roll..all of them should be trolling but one is labeled funny.
One of them wasn't intentional trolling and the irony of it is....it was for making fun of someone elses spelling and grammar
If I meant to do that then my glass house just got shattered
I have a new favorite band..The butthole surfers.Sure they have a weird name but their music is pretty good .listening to ah HA right now (the song not the band)
So for me its 2 am right now.COuple reasons I'm up this early/late.First I went to bed right after wrestling came on TV.Second I thought today was Skyrim and I was waiting...now I have to wait longer
And last and worste.
I was laying in bed and felt the hairs on my leg so I scratched it..then something ran up my G damn arm and it was a spider.I pretty much tore the room apart looking for it and fate played its cruel hand..it was on my G damn shirt It was about 2 centimeters big so I was terrified
Check out this other blog(if it isn't private) for some yummyness
6Nov 11It snowed and a tree branch fell down.I got a chainsaw and chopped the branch up..then I chopped some more stuff untill the chainsaw quit cause I chainsawed the damn dirt.
I was expecting to make this blog with one arm after playing with a chainsaw
OK so this is me being a crackbaby again? not really.Yesterday was one of those days you wish you could have more of.Yeah I spent it working but everything was aligned..Or I breathed to much gas from the thing.
1 - I got to do hard work with a chainsaw and I enjoyed it
2 - I was silent and snowing..very peacefull
3 - I saw a woodpecker and I have never seen one before (Of course I cut its tree down for firewood this year)..felt bad about that TBH
4 - Good days are so random anymore I remember them all
The combination of everything almost made me want to be a logger or something like that..Only problem is If I cut down everything to get money I won't have a cool yard .That and we only allowed to cut down a certain number of trees on the reservation land..So stuff the wind can blow over is allowed to be downed.If its dead it can go.
ANyways just a couple more crappy blogs to make till I'm gone for a few weeks.
And in ending..A thread about Kimchi in OT got me hungry for sour krout for dinner.
4Nov 11Assuming alot of you already call me superman I know a couple of you have another name for me >_> lawl.
About a day away from blogging drac and JPLs song..I am being a perfectionist so I am setting up for failure.
Ok the point of this wonderfull blog O mine.
Relatives are here and assume we can't hear them in the basement(we took the basement)..SO my daughter is pissed becuase they use a big dog shock coller on a little dog.SHe voiced this opinion so they went up and talked S*** about her.
I like my family but a line is about to be drawn.WHat I heard was "Its not like we are killing the stupid thing" doesn't phase me TBH but still it phased her
Ok that was a rant that honestly is annoying more then blog worthy
Been hitting the keyboards for that song..Never really did something with chimes and an organ before and it sounds cool..Call it "Village on Ice".Don't have much to talk about other then I started and quit smoking in the same day yesterday..S**** was making my heart beat funny and I was sick to my stomach
A bit of advertisment.I added a game to BTF..the epic PONG..Had stat tracking working but them I messed up the JAR
Not linking to born to fist just yet...As I always say..Me and Mike won't have any forums but we are always looking for writers (Better then me)
KInda sick of forums.Well running them.LL was badass but I can never replicate that..AT least the love/Hate ratio.
OK I am rambling at this point.
3Nov 11Leaving the middle of this month.A year of putting her face out of my mind and trying to forget every memory I have of her.My anxiety level today is so bad my chest and muscles are tight as hell..even my neck is hurting
To make thing worse she is kind of jealous and I'll be driven there by her old Highschool freind and my best freind.
And to make things even worse then worse..I was drinking on Valentines day and posted me and kers date thing on GP and she actually saw that before I nuked it.
I honestly feel like my life has become a Soap opera...Its not just Jen and Kerry or even amanda but everything else as well.As much as I go emo on here Gamespot is the one place I am actually normal on .The irony is..I like creating soap operas and online drama for fun with freinds but In real life? well its far from fun...Almost makes me want to stop being a devious person.
Besides all that stupid s****.
Still trying to write that winter song..I made the mistake of listening to Duran Durans winter songs and now its corrupted my mind..A little Manson and I'll be back to normal
The emergency test will be next week and not today...Ironic its a few hours after that asteroid passes us..Given it will be an actual simulation of a national emergency they should have advertised this months ago
2Nov 11They will be blacking out all channels from what the commercial in the northwest is saying.The never ending commercial all damn day on every freaking channel.
Tis all..I was usefull for once
2Nov 11From the bible
"And God sent forth his ony son to slay the mighty dragon king"
From the Satanic bible
"Let my F******* tiger in the store!! "
There is nothing to discuss today.I'm spreading the word for both parties from now on.
1Nov 11It was the day our freind Killyou Killed system wars with one post...a man who made ALL of us OTer's champions.
So proud of him I could kill someone in his honor
ok onto the other stuff.
I got Sonic Generations yesterday (Yes on monday) and it is one of the best Sonic games since the Genesis era.
It has alot to offer..You run fast and collect emblems that unlock art and stuff..You can collect points from doing good in a level and use the points to buy new abilitys and also the first Sonic the hedgehog game.The levels are 2d/3d and just 3d/2d.Thats my gripe with the game..I would have prefered the levels to have been just 2D and not stray into 3d like they do and vice versa.
The story? well its not so hot.A giant beast comes from space time(a clock monster) and kidnaps all the Sonic people.The SOnic on Sonic encounters are pretty funny but I won't post spoilers and I love the "Deja Vu" they go through
The rest of my review will be on GP when I'm done..YAY for my first review and not having to pay someone to edit everything to make it look good .
SPeaking of Gamers perspective? Join it FFS. >_>
Lets all give a shout out to Killyou for his domination of SW..everyone who does not shout out is a traitor and will die.
28Oct 11I'm going back to MT to "reconcile" with someone.
A year ago I was a mess full of booze and regrets..
Yeah things fell apart and if anyone paid the price it was my daughter.
DO I want this? yes and no.
A year has gone by of my daughter in constant rehab and TBH alot of crying...If I reconcile its for her only not myself.
Everyone blames me and Justine but in my mind we BOTH made mistakes..If I could drop the charges against her I would and even though the chance of her reading this is 1 in a million its still worth saying how I feel.I'm going to pay her court costs..she made a mistake but my daughter forgives her so will I then.
I know some will roll their eyes at this blog thinking "another emo kcube blog" honestly I don't give a s****.
Fact of the matter is..I needed help and she left my out to hang.but now she needs help and I will go there no matter how bad its gonna hurt.I'm not obsessed if you think that..I have loved jen since the 4th grade(silly right?) She needs me and amanda needs her.Maybe one day I can come here and blog something about life that is good..I'm sure that day will come..TBH everyday with my daughter no matter how bad is a good day.I'm doing this for her.
The awkward part is kerry is driving me since I am not allowed to fly..Guess that will make an interesting blog.
And last *yes this is the fourth edit.
I'm getting Ink done this week..the first will take awhile to finish..Its the last supper painting.
THe second I ink that says "Fates weapon" just sums up my life in my own mind
27Oct 11I am not pre writing this..I'm going to write a song with whatever enters my head and not go over and edit it.INcluding the title.
The unfit virgin I like videos games But things aren't the same
Evryday the cat strays away only coming home to spray
My carpet and my soul both are marked with a hole
I'm driving my car..into outer space
I'm dancing with the demon under the eyes of mars
Life is going no place..success a test staring at her breasts
My hand in the pocket my mind in the clouds her body speaks so loud
Her body is naked her screams are criesHer big anime eyes the tears in her eyes I know Its love ..I can hear it in her cries
Oh baby oh baby lets fly to the sky
Take me away to a place I would wanna stay
Take me to heaven and we rule it like hell
Her big anime eyes the tears in her eyes I know Its love ..I can hear it in her cries
The end..My mind strayed into the gutter dammit
DO me a favor guys and gals..Give me a topic of a song to write..and I will write it..silly or serious..I need this right now
I jave spent years on here in blogs and other sites complaining about how much life sucks.How much I miss Jen or how it could be better and how I hate God.I'm not like some of you..I was from the soviet republic..growing up I was taught the Soviet way of life even though I was born in america.For years my parents had to fight to keep me in america since at the time americans considered me and us an enemy and wanted nothing more then to send us back to the soviet union.
SO much so that after highschool I tried to enlist in the NAvy but was rejected.
Before that is my life thing to explain.
My father was a roady for the band Oingo boingo..Danny told me on the bus one night that we all dont need school...our real schooll is the school of hard knocks.School teaches you math and crap..the real school is your life and learning from it..If you fail you get back up and fight harder.
About my life? it was hell for a longtime but I have gifts that others dont have and that is what makes me ..me.I'm not trying to sound "better" then others" I am just gratefull for the pain for the talent and for the life I have have had.
The reality is..I have no self confidence yet I have made a lot of money writing music and jingles.I have bad social anxiety yet I still goto the meetings to sell my music..SOmetimes they buy them other times they reject me flat out.And one thing I have learned is never take the lump sum I always take the royalties.
Whats hurting me now more then anything is my uncle dan is going deaf..My daughter is breaking down from losing her hand and I blame myself for that and the Drs think I had a stroke.
Lots of bad stuff right? I am gratefull for the life I have had the memories I have.
I have written books and music and made alot of money from it but the reality is...the sound and smell of the rain means more to me and money cant buy that.
I dont really want to say morew but In my mind I feel that my time is limited.
SO I task you who read my blog...I want you to give me ideas for a song and you can write your own lyrics if you want and I'll make it into a song.I know I dont have much time left given the events this past year and I want to write at least one last song but with you all contributing to it.