• 12Sep 08

  Fleshy Mr. Potato Head

  It's getting to be that time of year with a lot of family gatherings. There's Halloween (yes, my relatives gather on Halloween ), Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years all in a row. It's inevitable that there will be the usual loaner relatives that I've never met which stop by every few decades.

  These loaners do one of the most annoying things I can think of. They say things like "Oh, you have your grandfather's chin" or "You have your mother's eyes". It's like they are playing Mr. Potato Head; trying to assemble my face by grabbing other features from around the room.

  I realize they are trying to make conversation. But the annoying part is that its not so much making conversation with me as it is making conversation about me right infront of my face. Its not like I go around pretending that they are Frankenstein's monster. "Oh, you have your mother's bad knee". "You have your father's cranium". I think that "How's it going?" works much better.

  • Posted Sep 12, 2008 3:34 pm GMT
  • Category:
  • 0 Comments
  • Tag
  • Print
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Digg
• 10Jul 08

  No Tickets Yet?

  I was pulled over again last night, but managed to only get a warning. It got me thinking. I have been pulled over numerous times. Quite frankly, I'm baffled by the fact that I've never even gotten a ticket yet. Its not just the number of times that I've been pulled over, but the stupid crap I end up saying to the cop. If I were in their shoes, I would have given myself a ticket for being dumb enough to say this stuff. I figure Ill list my top 3.

  Apologetic
  So I'm going 60 in a 35 and spot a cop in a speed trap. I slow down, but to no avail. The lights flash and I pull over. After the initial licence and registration crap, the officer says "Sir, are you aware that you were doubling the speed limit? Children ride their bikes on this road." It was my first time getting pulled over and all I could think to say was "I'm sorry" in probably the least convincing voice I could have mustered if I tried. The cop had just lectured me on killing kids and all I could come up with was "I'm sorry". I guess "I'm sorry" can make anything better.

  The Dude
  This happened last night. Besides getting pulled over for running a stop sign (which was bs. I definately slowed down), everything was going pretty smoothly. I didn't argue with cop over the bogus pull over and he let me off with a warning. Then I said it. "Thanks, dude. It won't happen again, dude. Really, thanks, dude. Have a good night, dude." I didn't realise i had been that air-headed until my friend mentioned it as I drove away. Dude? Even if you ignore how reduntant it was, it was still stupid. Who the hell calls a cop "dude"? How can a cop have any semblance of authority when he's being called "dude"?

  Playing Stupid Stupidly
  We were picking up a friend who lived 40 minutes away and I didn't really feel like driving. I got to a waste of an intersection (nobody ever comes the other way anyways) and figured I'd run the light. A cop was waiting in a country store parking lot. Lights, licence, registration-everyone knows the deal. "Sir, are you aware that you just went 40 through that red light?" I had been in a criminal justice c l a s s a few days ago on officer discrecion in traffic stops. One of the strategies was Socratic Questioning. I figured there was no way that would work. But I had just speed through a red light, and there was no way I was going to get off the hook. So why not? "I did?", I asked. "Sir, have you been drinking?" The cop scanned around the car with his flashlight and found no empties. That was when he had enough. He warned me to obey red lights and went back to his cruiser. I still think Socratic Questioning is bull and the cop just didn't want his coffee to get cold.

  • Posted Jul 10, 2008 3:48 pm GMT
  • Category:
  • 0 Comments
  • Tag
  • Print
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Digg
• 18Jun 08

  **** Alexander Graham Bell and **** his Telephone

  Well, Ill be answering the main line at my work for the next few days. In honor of this this enormously sucky occasion, I will be listing things that suck about telephones.

  People that Shout
  So I hear the phone ring and pick it up. My eardrum is kindly greeted with "HHHHHEEELLO!AMIMAKINGYOUREARBLEEDYET???" Seriously, what the hell? Do people not realise that the phone is put in contact with the ear for a reason? You know, so I can hear the other person speaking clearly. The last thing that I want is Godzilla calling my line.

  People that Don't Know what they Are Talking About
  So to redirect somebody I need either the last name of the person they want to speak to, the first name and their department, an extension, or, you know, just a ****ing reason for calling. "Hi, I'd like to speak to Bob" just isn't going to get you very far. I've actually taken the time to count the 53 Bobs at work. Want me to close my eyes and pick one for you? No? Then figure out who you need and call back.

  People that Needlessly Call in Noisy Environments
  Im drawing the line. I am hanging up on the next person that decides to call apparently during their autistic child's tuba practice. I'll hang up without even bothering to distinguish what they are saying from the unintelligible audio mess going on around them. Its just stupid. Go on your cell phone and call from a different location, use a phone in a different room, or maybe just turn off the radio while you use the telephone.

  Computer Recorded Callers
  Have you noticed a pattern in my previous things that suck about telephones? They were all people. I'd think that the telephone (oddly similar to the atom bomb) wouldn't be so bad without people...if it weren't for recorded messages automatically calling my line. There's nothing worse than working up my fake happy phone voice only to have a machine answer the phone that doesn't give a **** anyway. There's that inhuman machine voice saying "Your call is important to us. Please hold for a very important message about your credit card." Thats when i think "****ing Telephones." Its why I'm confident that when a machine finally takes over this mundane part of my job, It's going to somehow hate it just as much as I do.

  • Posted Jun 18, 2008 5:42 pm GMT
  • Category:
  • 0 Comments
  • Tag
  • Print
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Digg

See Previous Blog Posts