• 31Aug 08

  Do Election Processes Come With Warranties?

  Because America, yours is broken.

  Normally I try to stay out of the whole political thing, but I've had enough of these shenanigans. So I present to you, my first political and my first bullet-point blog.

  - What's up with all the extremism? Prior to the election I thought (admittedly from limited information) both McCain and Obama were two of the few elected officials in the world --much less the US -- who were honest, genuine people. Now it seems that McCain is so old the only words he can remember are "inexperienced" and "POW", and Obama is a secret terrorist-muslim-communist.

  - Anyone else see the irony of, during an election where two of the biggest issues are the environment and economy, both candidates flying around the country on private jets as part of their multi-million dollar campaigns?

  - What's up with all the over-analysis? Who gives a flying **** how many times Michelle Obama says she loves America? I think it's safe to assume that should Barrack win the election, you won't have to worry about the first-lady burning American flags on the White House lawn.

  - Don't you ever get tired of all the spin? I don't know about you guys, but I know I can only handle so much BS before I start handing out 1-finger salutes.

  - Funnier coverage of the Democrat's convention: The Daily Show, MSNBC's in-house bickering, or that guy from Fox who tried to argue Palin had more foriegn policy experience because Alaska is close to Russia (not to mention completely forgetting that whole Canada place in the process).

  - Jokes about John McCain's age: also really old.

  • Posted Aug 31, 2008 9:23 am GMT
  • Category: Opinion
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• 26Aug 08

  My God Could Totally Beat Up Your God

  A timely review for once! We all know that the "professional" Too Human reviews have been a total fiasco, so hopefully I'll be able to do better.

  

  Before becoming a god, Baldur's life dream was to dance on Broadway... and jazz-hands!

  The Verdict:
  

  3 Howling Blades of the Glory Drinker (real in-game weapon!) out of 5

  My Rating Guide:
  1 out of 5- Avoid like the plague.
  2 out of 5- Flawed. Held back by serious issues; only recommended for hardcore fans of the series/genre.
  3 out of 5- Good. A solid title, but doesn't do anything special or is held back by issues.
  4 out of 5- Great. An excellent experience held back by only minor issues.
  5 out of 5- Superb. A game with no meaningful issues; can be recommended to anyone.

  Pre-Review Rundown

  • Don't try and multiply my ratings by 2 to get an out-of-10 score, because I don't review like that. If you really want to compare this to other sources, a 3/5 from me is *roughly* (I hope I made that clear enough) a 7-8/10.
  • Just in-case I don't make myself clear in the review, I think Too Human is a great game for the 360 and is, at the very least, worth a rent.
  • As I'm sure you know, I was one of the few hyping Too Human, so obviously I'm not the most impartial source out there.
  • I have not tried the co-op yet, and as such won't comment on it beyond this -- it should be fun.
  • As always, minor bugs and glitches don't bother me.
  • And as always, I take reviews for what they are -- the author's subjective opinion. I don't "wiki-neutral" my reviews because little Timmy might not like *insert feature here*.

  A Disappointment Among Men

  Someday Too Human will be shown in game development c.lasses. Not as an example of a good game or a bad game, but of how to screw up what should have been an absolutely brilliant game. The control scheme does a fantastic job of bringing depth to the action-RPG genre without forcing the player to button-mash and aiming your attacks is about as good as can be expected, the combat is generally excellent and you're always trying to reach that next level or find some sweet loot. Even the bugs and glitches aren't as bad as some would have you believe (they're on-par with the stuff you dealt with in GTA 4). 75% of the time, Too Human isn't just a fantastic game, but one of the better action-RPGs of all time.

  However, during the other 25% of the time, you're being bogged down and harassed by some of the dumbest design choices I've ever seen. Choices so stupid, you wonder why the guys at MSGS QA didn't all head over to Silicon Knights and personally slap each employee with a copy of Eternal Darkness to remind them that they could be one of the world's premier developers.

  Someone Has Some 'Splaining To Do...

  As Confucius once said, "When you assume, you make an ass of u and me." Apparently Silicon Knight's aren't familiar with his work, because Too Human is the newest member of the not-so-exclusive club "Games that need a bigger manual because they fail to explain half the goddamn gameplay". Like all RPGs, Too Human has numerous different stats, bonuses, effects and the like, which are great because they add a great deal of variety to the game. But when you don't tell me what they **** they mean, we have an issue.

  Now I can understand not taking the time to explain the obvious stats like damage, attack speed, basic polarities etc, but Too Human goes well beyond the basics. What in the name of all that is good and holy is "hybrid damage"? Why does it look like I'm surrounded by a black hole when I hit an enemy with a yellow polarity? Why doesn't my sentient weapon ability work all the time? The list goes on. Just adding a couple of pages to the manual could have dramatically improved the game.

  Dyack Needs a Dictionary

  Part of the problem with Too Human lies in what would appear to be a general lack of knowledge of the english language over at SK. For example, epic boss fights are a pillar of gaming, and as such Too Human has its share of epic boss fights. However epic can be defined as (from dictionary.com):

  heroic; majestic; impressively great

  -or-

  of unusually great size or extent

  Sadly, Silicon Knights used the latter rather than the former, and instead of being the impressively great boss fights of, say, the Metroid games, all you get is a grind-fest where you beat your opponent with the proverbial hurting stick until they fall over dead. This lack of knowledge also extends to the story and dialogue, but we'll look at that later on.

  If a Tree Falls in Cyberspace...

  ... and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? Too Human shows us that the answer is no, either because a bug killed the sound effects, or because much like space, sound can't travel through the empty void of the futuristic interwebs.

  You see, after beating a section in Too Human, it a doorway opens to the cyberspace section of that world, where you will find a number of obelisks (read: chests) full of loot. The problem here is for reasons only Silicon Knights understands, each of these areas is roughly a million times the size they need to be. The first time you enter these areas, you could easily spend 10+ minutes of your time running around to loot 5 obelisks. Considering how Too Human's 2nd developer diary is devoted to flow theory, you're left wondering whether Dennis Dyack & Co are suffering from schizophrenia.

  What's the Norse Rune for "Quality Assurance Testing"?

  This leads me to the other design choices that simply killed the game for me. First and foremost, the story and voice acting. In theory, Too Human has a great story: from what I know Norse mythology is pretty bad-ass, and Too Human adds in a hella cool futuristic setting and a unique struggle between cybernetics and humanity. In theory. In theory, communism works.

  In practice you end up giving your TV way too many puzzling looks. The Norse mythos isn't explained at all and much of the dialogue is poorly written and/or delivered, so you constantly feel like you've missed something important. If you're into Norse mythology you'll love it, but if you're like me and only have a rudimentary knowledge of it, you find yourself doing more than enough head-scratching. In what has become a theme for Too Human, you can see what Silicon Knights was trying to do, but they never quite get there. It's a real shame too, because the story is quite interesting -- especially the personal conflicts the gods face.

  Then there's the issue of dying. Now on the surface Too Human doesn't have a particularly punishing penalty (yay alliteration!) for dying -- all you do is lose your combo meter and a small percentage of your equipment's "status". However your combo meter plays such an integral role in combat that whenever you find yourself in a particularly tough fight (usually involving a couple of trolls, some ranged enemies, and a narrow hallway) and die, you're screwed. There are more than a couple of sections in the game where you find yourself taking the Bioshock route -- attack, die, rinse, repeat -- in order to advance. And that's not taking into account problems like trolls sticking to eachother back-to-back or hugging a wall (meaning you can't mount them) or some damn-near unavoidable polarized (read: elemental) enemies.

  Finally there are all the (relatively) minor issues that absolutely kill the flow of the game. The absurdly big main-hub. The archaic menus. The death cutscene. The laughably poor (not to mention repetative) battle chatter. The aforementioned laundry list of unexplained features. Not major issues on their own, but they all do everything in their power to try and get you to put down the controller.

  Too Bad

  But at the end of the day, when you walk away from all the hype (and anti-hype), all the hit-job writing, all of Dyack's shenanigans and play Too Human for what it is, not what someone told you it is, it's a quality game (yes, I'm aware of the irony in that statement, thankyouverymuch). It's far from perfect, and it has poor design coming out the wazoo, but the singleplayer is enjoyable, there's tons of replay value, and there's co-op. A far cry from the game it should have been, but still worth playing.

  • Posted Aug 26, 2008 6:03 pm GMT
  • Category: Games
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• 6Aug 08

  The PB Playlist: Sellout Edition!

  Not that any of these bands are sellouts, rather I'm selling out and going with some bands that'll have a little more mainstream (alt/rock) appeal. And for those of you who are looking for something a little different don't worry, the next Playlist will have some more, shall we say, left-of-centre content.

  Black Mountain- In the Future
  Genre: Alt/Rock
  Sounds Like: The drug-hazed 70's as seen through a haze of drugs.
  CANCON

  

  This is for all the people who complain about how all the good music was made in the 70's. A combination of big, chunky riffs, dreamy sequences and just a bit of synth combine to create a surprisingly deep album that is equal parts Pink Floyd and Sonic Youth. So much for rock music being dead.

  Attack in Black
  Genre: Pop/Punk
  Sounds Like: The complete works of Neil Young mashed together.
  CANCON

  

  I know I called them a pop/punk band, but that label really doesn't do Attack in Black justice. Marriage is equal parts pop, punk, rock and folk (hence the above Neil Young reference) that much like terducken, is greater than the sum of its parts. Plus they rock their balls off live.

  The Black Keys- Attack and Release
  Genre: Rock
  Sounds Like: The love-child of The White Stripes and Led Zeppelin

  

  Assuming you haven't been living under a rock, you've probably heard The Black Key's song Strange Times on the GTA 4 soundtrack. The rest of Attack and Release builds on that frenetic blues/rock vibe, creating a brilliantly simple album. They may not be as high-profile as another blues/rock duo that rhymes with "The White Stripes", but they're just as good.

  • Posted Aug 6, 2008 9:49 am GMT
  • Category: Music
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