I thought I would just do a quick update so everyone can see where I am at. After a long discussion with my exwe decided to try and do a break, it only lasted a few days until he called it off for good - only to find out that he had asked a girl out (to be his girlfriend) the very next day after the offical break up. What complicated matters was he still wanted to be friends with me, which right after a break up isn't exactly the greatest thing in the world because we just went straight back to feeling like we were a couple. One day I called him rather upset and I didn't know the girl he asked out was over and he put me on speaker, we were arguing and then I said "You can't possibly like her that much if you are still sleeping with me" and then hell went down with him.
I shouldn't care about it but I did a lot, a few hours later he then called me furious and abusing me saying it was all my fault and that I ruined everything for him as the girl no longer wished to have much to do with him. I had no idea that I was on speaker so I was talking to him like I would normally, I also didn't know he slept with her that night when he slept with me that morning sowhen I stated that I could only imagine her pain.He kept on saying to me they weren'tdating so I didn't takethem seriously at all, infact I hated her for getting invovled in our relationship so everytimehe brought her up I wouldabuse her and he was already gettingwhipped by her even though they weren'tdating.I allowed him to calm down and said if he wanted to talk like mature adults he could call me later, he then called asking me to come over to just talk. We then decided there we would not talk to each other anymore. I was okay with this and as upset as I was, I just decided to move on.
He's been trying to contact me through skype since, I've deleted everything I have with him and been trying not to reply but he seems so lonely. As of a few days ago my doctor has put me on anti-depressants. Now I haven't started taking this due to my current situation, I've been putting off taking this for years until I've finally decided to give in. My whole family suffers with depression, especially on my mother's side. My mum, aunt, cousin and nan are taking anti-depressants and my sister use to but she got off them (she was a lot nicer person when she was on them). Since I was 12 I have suffered with pretty bad depression which I only got treatment through counselling for. When I was 15 I was recommended to go on the medication but I kept on saying "I don't want to rely on a tablet to make myself happy", each year they would assess me and question again why I didn't want to go on them.4 years later, I have no choice if I didn't seek some sort of help I am pretty sure my life would come tumbling down. I could no longer go to my old cousellor as they were apart of the adolescent clinc and since I am over the age I have to go somewhere else, I don't feel comfortable having to go to someone else and having to discuss all the problems that have happened in my life since the age of 10, it's pretty much like opening old wounds.
Me and my ex haven't seen each other for 4 days and I haven't reached out to contact him either, he has come to me today asking for us to be friends again because he feels so alone, even though he was the one who cut all communication with me, right now I am in a tough decision of what to do. 4 and a half years with him and there has been a lot of heartache over it but he wasn't just a boyfriend he was my best friend. I'm still thinking and I guess I'll see what I might do tonight.
Heh. Wow this blog does get personal, but I guess it's a good way to vent, The 2 good things that has come out of this break up is:
1. I have finally had the courage to quit my boring, depressing job at the Financial company I was with. I felt it wasextremely awkward there especially after the director got very drunk at a work function and wouldn't stop groping me and touching me inappopriatly, making comments like "I don't like you that much but I am so going to make out with you at the end of the night" and grabbing other female employees breasts whilist they just laugh it off. I put in a compliant for sexual harrassmentand my manager said it would be dealt with accordingly, but being at work never felt the same (This all happened 3 - 4 weeks into the job). It sucked even more when one of the other girls said "It happens all the time, just go with the flow - don't worry about it", I hated every moment of it. If it was just some sleezy guy at the bar, it would have been okay because I could have just turned around and slapped him, but my own director drunk off his ass - it just sucked. I now start back at EB Games, the job I loved so much from the day I started. Money again will be an issue but I want to stay in a job that makes me happy.
2. Ever since the break up I have gotten back in contact with my friends and I've never found them so supportive. Every person I have told so far that we are no longer in contact have cheered and said I could do better. My ex had put me through a lot during our relationship and has broken up with me many times but we never cut communication until now. They've all told me to move on now and I've decided too, I've never had so much fun hanging out with them.
I've taken a lot forgranted, but I am still young and I have a lot of things ahead of me. I think this blog will be the only time I actually say anything about me being on anti-depressants, I haven't told anyone because I am very ashamed to say it. But I feel a lot happier now and like there is a lot of stress taken off me. I am slowly coming back toGamespot and playing video games again, I stopped for awhile as my ex found it 'childish' when I played my PSP in public (I was playing it on the plane at 6am because I couldn't sleep, that's the only time I play in public), so I stopped playing games for a while but I've realised it's my hobby and he shouldn't be able to say what I can and can't enjoy.
I think I've blabbed on enough, if you've gotten this far thanks for reading and I am sorry for not being around - I've finally slowly got my life back on track and trying to move forward now. I want to thank everyone's support and concern, the slightest bit of support just brightens my day up. Again thanks to you all, and I guess I can kind of announce my return