The true me in my heart

• 12May 13

  Little Self Promotion: Write, Left, Write, Left

  It's not often that I promote my writing, generally because I'm my own worst critic.  But seeing as I do have to get my confidence up as part of my transition - Playing as female for example is one thing that helps my confidence in myself to build more, although such a thing is a rarity in gaming - this year in particular so few - then promoting my writing and showing my creative side helps a little more with my confidence building.

   

  So I'll show off some of my short stories and a little of my Beaumont series in the blog.  To read more though then look up ReinaHW on Deviant Art and Reina Harriet Watt on Wattpad to see my work, the blunt of it is on Deviant Art.

  This short story I'm going to show is one of my more recent ones, it's called I Remember:

   

  I remember

   

  I remember the first time that this happened, I was a child of barely two years.  I remember being dressed for bed and as I closed my eyes after my mother had said good night, I died shortly after in my sleep.

  I remember it so clearly, I recall how I felt myself detaching from my body and not feeling scared.

   

  Then I woke up the next morning with memories of my parents finding that I had died in my sleep, memories of my funeral.

  But I do not recall exactly how I came back to life.

   

  I remember

   

  This would continue every day, I would sleep, die and wake the next morning with memories of something that couldnt have happened.

  It wasnt until I was older when I realised that every day brought slight changes, from a toy being in a different place to colour changes in the clothing my parents wore or behavioural changes.

  One change in particular was unexpected, I woke from my death one morning when I was in my mid teenage years to find that my mother had died many years ago, yet when I woke from my death the next day my mother was still alive.

   

  Another had me waking as the opposite sex from what I usually was.

   

  I wasnt just dying, I was shifting from reality to reality whenever I died.  Every version of me was.

   

  I remember

   

  I have died almost every day of my life, I have memories of my funerals and I do not know how to stop this from happening.

  I am far from the reality I started in, I am unable to make friendships because I keep dying.  My parents are like strangers to me due to how often this happens.

   

  I am a shadow of a life detached from a solid reality, drifting from death to death, life to life, possibility after possibility.  Will this condition ever end?  Am I doomed to die and shift to another reality until I am too old to continue?

  Will I ever have the chance of a life of my own?

   

  I remember

   

  As the years pass and I get older, I wake to find myself married, a parent, I wake to find myself single and alone, I wake to find myself disabled from an accident or from birth, I wake to find myself in many different paths.

  In one reality I may be pregnant, the next morning I am not.  In another I am with my spouse, male or female, in another I may be facing a day of pain and torment.

   

  It is all random with no pattern and the years are falling away at a rapid rate.  Soon the years will stop and I will not wake at all.

   

  I remember

   

  My body begs to sleep and as I close my eyes and feel myself die again, I wonder if it will be the final time.  I wonder if I will see another sun rise.

  I am so old now, my body is becoming weak with age as I near the end of my life and the nights are terrifying for me.

   

  I close my eyes in protest, I do not want to sleep, but I always do even when I try to stay awake.  And again I die.

  Again I await the dawn.

   

  I remember

   

  The dawn comes and something unexpected has happened, I have been reborn and I am once again an infant, I am starting my life anew.

  But will the shifting continue or will I be able to live this life?

   

  I dread the coming night, for it brings an uncertain future.  Please dont let this be a loop.

   

  I remember.

  
  

  ~

  This next short story is part of my Beaumont series, it is called We Are Never Meant To Live Forever:

   

  Is it a curse?

  Is it salvation?

  Is it hope?

  Is it damnation?

   

  The word is Immortal

  The reality is beyond understanding.

   

  The mother:

   

  An illusion of sincerity can be seen in the eyes of those who do not grasp the horrors of living beyond the natural life span intended for humans.  They pretend to understand when they learn of what I am, but how can they truly understand something that even those who are forced into this kind of life can barely understand?

   

  I envy those who are not long lived and I pity those who are, for those who are not long lived eventually come to the end that nature intended, they become dreamers of the dream.

  But those who keep going, they do not dream, they simply continue.  As they do they lose the will to live, they fade away a little bit for every year they continue to live when they should have been long dead.

   

  It is a curse wrapped in the thin layer of a blessing.  There is no pleasure in slowly and surely fading away within yourself.

   

  ~

   

  The sister:

   

  Eternal tears of hopelessness develop but never fall, you wish so much to cry those tears in the hopes that those tears will be your last, but they never are.  They are merely more tears that pool into a large river within the weakened soul of one who is being kept alive.

  People come and go in our lives, we may love them, hate them, wish them dead or wish them to remain with us in this unwanted torment.  But they never do.

  They come from so little and become nothing but dust in the bitter and cruel winds of time.

   

  Take my hand, I beg you, plunge a blade into my heart and let it drain my lifes blood from me, let it drain my body of all life so that I can finally, and blissfully, sleep.

  Take my hand and remove me from this damnation of undying existence.

   

  For humans are not ready to live beyond their means.

   

  ~

   

  The daughter:

   

  The winds carry petals from many flowers that have grown from a mere seed, like all life those petals become part of the winds that are life.  We are all, in a sense, petals in the wind.

  We twirl and swirl in the winds of life, settling or constantly going until finally gravity brings us down and holds us in place where eventually we wither and crumble into nothing.

   

  But what if you were born to forever stay in that wind?  What if gravity could not bring you down onto the unforgiving ground of a sudden end?  Where do the winds take a petal that does not fall?  What lands are there for that petal to see?

  I am a petal that does not fall, I am a rarity amid many petals and the winds of life keep blowing me along into paths that so few or no one has ever been to before.

   

  What does the future hold for me?  What delights and horrors will I witness?  Only the winds know and they do not reveal their path to anyone.

   

  ~

   

  The grand-daughter:

   

  I am a product of violation, an unwanted life.  That is what I am and like my birth mother, I am born into a life that does not seem to have an end.

  Am I bothered by this?  I do not know, for me it is perfectly natural and feels normal to me that I do not age as many others do.

   

  I watched those around me become old while I remain young, I watch their bodies decline and then stop.  I do wonder why I was born the way I am, what does life hold for one who is born to live so much longer than the majority?

  Do I consider myself superior to them?  No, I do not, I consider myself to be both equal and inferior to them.  Some would say that my being unable to grow old and die could be seen as a blessing, as a sign of superiority.  But what superiority is there when you say goodbye to those you care about more often than you do hello to anyone you have only just met?

   

  There is no superiority to being long lived, there is merely the ever constant loneliness and heart ache from the many losses of those who mean a lot to you.

  Why was I born this way?  What purpose is there to an immortal being born?

   

  The many possible joys and delights of life, the happiness that you may find along the way tend to pale next to the goodbyes that gnaw at you.  What does the future hold for me?  I do not know, I hope there will be happiness.

   

  But I feel that there will be more loneliness than happiness, and that hurts a lot.

   

  We are never meant to live forever.

  
  

  ~

  
  

  
  This next short story is called Sunshine And Lollipops, a dark story:

   

  What can I say of how it was?  It's hard to say since it just was and ultimately meant nothing.  You look at me as if expecting me to say something profound, something predictable to whatever you clearly expected of the moment.
  But I find I have nothing to say, it meant nothing to me while it meant everything to you.  Do I lie to you and say it was wonderful?  Do I tell you the truth and say it meant nothing, that I felt nothing?
  
  All I know is that I am still alive and for that I can't apologise.
  
  Still you look at me, your eyes displaying more pleasure than I feel.  How long must I wait until I know there is something wrong?  Is there something wrong with me?  Or am I feeling the way my heart feels?
  Please stop looking at me like this, like that, like you expect me to say something that I don't feel.
  From the corner of my eyes I can see that it's a sunny day, sunshine and lollipops like my mum would say.  Have the hours passed by that fast?  I must have lost track of time when I switched off within and felt nothing, nor desired to.
  
  Yet I am still alive and I can't apologise.
  
  You try to engage me in banter, it's clear that you don't feel what I feel.  For you this was special, wonderful.  For me it was just another day, another job.
  I feel nothing for you, nothing for this job.  Yet I need the money due to the way my gender is seen and regarded, as if we're still inferior to you, still nothing but property.
  So I switch myself off whenever I'm with anyone while on the job, be it day or night, I switch off so that I don't feel the increasing shame within me.  I hate that I feel this shame.
  
  Yet I am still alive and I can't apologise.
  
  The money owed is paid and I say goodbye in a half hearted way, you still look at me as if you expect me to be happy.  I feel only revulsion now, at myself.  I hate this job, I hate my life.  I hate what I'm forced to do because of the lack of options I have.
  I head home and as soon as I am alone I collapse in tears, then spend an hour in the shower sobbing and trying to wash away all traces of my job for another day.
  
  Yet I am still alive and I can't apologise.
  
  I feel so numb, so cold despite the beautiful day.  Sunshine and lollipops, mum, that's what you told me.  Sunshine and lollipops.
  I look down at the gun in my hand and wonder if today is the day I can pull the trigger.  If today is the day when the numbness will end and I can be free of this hell.
  Can I be free?  Can I feel even the freedom?  Only one way to find out.
  
  Yet I am still alive and I can't apologise.

  
  

  ~

  
  

  
  And one more, this next story is called For I Am:

   

  Sticks and stones may break my bones

   

  Taunts aplenty come from your lips, hurt so much comes from your hands and feet as you attack me, insults never seem to stop coming from you.  You try to bring me down, you try to crush my spirit.

  You are succeeding, yet you are also failing.  A part of me is still fighting against the misery you bring upon me.

   

  But your words can only graze me

   

  You call me a freak, an it, a thing.  You demand me to be just like you because you are too close minded to understand that no one can be exactly like you, no one can be what you demand them to be.

  You and your friends who follow you around, who dont think for themselves because it is so much easier to be a group mentality than a single mind, you and your friends do not think for yourselves.

   

  Every word stings, every bruise is painful, but as much as I am hurting and wounded, I am determined to stand my ground.

   

  You spout ignorance and hate

   

  I try to reach out to others who are as different as I am, who are like me.  But they are also hurting due to so many who also hurt them for daring to be themselves instead of conforming to the demands of hurtful ideals and misinformation.

  How can we ever speak when our words are dismissed as not conforming to a limited notion of what it is to be a person?

   

  Is there anyone who will listen to what me and so many others like me have to say?  Is there anyone in the world who even cares about those of us who cant help the way we are born?

   

  You are insecure though, you are afraid of looking inside yourself

   

  For I am trans-gender, I do not conform to a gender binary because I am unable to do so since I was born this way.

  My gender does not match my body, my feelings do not match who I am demanded to be.  Many demand me to be what is between my legs, they tell me that it is sinful and evil to not conform, to not be the person I can never be.

   

  Please, oh please, is there someone out there who can see me for me instead of only seeing me for who and what I can never be?

  Please?

   

  The bruises fade, the broken bones can heal.  But the scars within from all the hate, those do not heal so easily.

   

  I can not conform to your demands, I do not want nor wish to conform to your demands.  I wish to be myself, I wish to be the person I was meant to be but was denied due to natures random acts.

  My seeking to be myself is no threat to you, your demands are the real threat.

   

  So please, do not judge me for something I had no choice in.  Please stop hurting me.

   

  For I am Trans-gender, and I have the right to live.

  
  

  ~

  
  

  
  Let me know what you think.  These are just four short stories from my fairly large portfolio, although much of my written work has been lost over the years, I still have a great deal written.  In total I guess I've written well over a thousand pieces - stories, reviews, articles and more.
  And there we go, all done.  I might do another blog some other time if there's anything to be talked about.  And please don't expect me to write what's demanded by the many, I write what I wish to write and say what I wish to say. 

  • Posted May 12, 2013 3:05 pm GMT
  • Category: Writing
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• 29Apr 13

  Double Topic: Games from movies and stop demanding me to be male!

  With two topics on my mind then Ill make this a double article

   

  First topic:

   

  Games made from the back of movies have been around for almost as long as video games have, from games made from movie releases like Star Wars and Rambo up to today with movies like the vile JJ Abrams Star Trek Wars nonsense and the games made to tie in with those terrible movies are just as bad as the movies themselves - and super hero movies.

  And so many of those games have been complete and utter rot to put it mildly.

   

  So few games made to fit with the release of an upcoming movie rarely work out, the few that so are so few and far between that its easy to think that any movie game is worth the time and that is usually the case.

  However there are some that have turned out to be pretty good, sometimes even better than the movie they were made to be released along side with.

   

  Take the Transformers:  Revenge Of The Fallen movie for example.  A terrible movie with annoying toilet humour, badly written characters and generic, bland ideas like Devastators testicles being seen in robot mode, a definite what the hell? -  idea for sure and a mini robot humping a leg are just two examples of why that movie was a prime example of bad ideas in many movies today.

  Yet the game that was released alongside the movie turned out to be better than the movie, it wasnt a great game but it was more enjoyable than its movie counterpart.  The game at least had Transformers in it as the actual characters instead of being heavily human focused with the Transformers as the cameo appearances, if you didnt blink and miss many of those appearances.

   

  There is also the Toy Story 3 game, a very good and enjoyable game and the movie was excellent as well such a rare thing for that to happen.

   

  So why do so many games made from the backs of movies tend to be so bad while so few are ever any good?  Could it be the rushed development time or bad management in the development process?

  Could it be a case of developers and publishers having little to no imagination which is fairly common these days in gaming in general and just looking to make a quick profit from gullible movie goers kids and adults alike?

   

  Whatever the reason you usually know when a game made from the back of a movie is going to be bad while once in a while, and it is very rare, you might be surprised with one that is actually pretty good.

   

  But it makes me wonder if the games made to be released alongside a movie should perhaps not be made at all, or have a longer development period.  Sadly though with the amount of greed there is with publishers then when they want a game out at the same time as a movie or just before or just after the release, then a good degree of development time is rare.

   

  I know I wont be going for the Star Trek game thats just been released, thats for sure its set in the Abrams verse and I hate his notion of Trek, hes turned it into little more than an even more dumbed down version of Star Wars and Im not a Star Wars fan at all and its male lead only, and as Ive mentioned so many times I cant play as male.

  No interest in that game at all.

   

  I dread to think what a game based on Let the Right One In would be like, it would probably be some military shooter that has nothing to do with the actual movie and book.

   

  And thats one topic done, next:

   

  Second Topic ~

   

  If youve been reading my articles and such then you know that Im trans-gender male to female and bi-sexual, Ive explained my past more than enough times yet for some reason I am expected to want to be male in games and real life because of my male body, Im expected to like the same games as the majority because my body is male.

  That indicates that many gamers, publishers and developers think that every gamer no matter how diverse and individual should all think, feel and be the exact same without having any free will.

   

  That would be one really boring existence.

   

  Sadly it looks like I have to explain again:

   

  I can not play as male, I can not be male, I can not think and feel as male, I can never, ever no matter what be male.

  To do so is quite frankly a death sentence for me after years of being forced and demanded to be male, of being repressed due to societys obsession with conformity and demanding that we all be whats between our legs and externally instead of being who we are within.

   

  I am female, I always have been and at this time in my life after years of being forced to be male I have to be myself in order to avoid the suicidal thoughts and depression of my past from ever hitting hard again.

  That means that I have to avoid every single male lead only game at any cost, I have to avoid repressing myself in real life and in games.

   

  Now Im sure youre saying that it shouldnt matter, but heres the thing most likely you are cis-gender and have never been repressed, have never felt the horror of being trapped within your body as you are forced to be someone else.

  Being forced to be male all my life has resulted in, as well as being a writer, a skill within me that automatically attempts to form an emotional bond with a character I write.

  This allows me to develop the character considerably for as long as that character is around.  Writing a male character is something I rarely do because its pretty painful for me.

   

  Now Im sure youre thinking that I could just switch that skill off when playing video games I cant.  Ive been trying to switch it off when I play games for close to thirty years with no success, most likely because if I switch it off then my writing will suffer.

   

  When I play video games and the lead is human, my brain automatically attempts to form an emotional connection so that I can focus a lot better, I can role play and I can be immersed in the game.  This gives me a higher chance of enjoying a game, but theres a catch when playing as male my brain automatically repressed the dominant personality, me, and attempts to think and feel as male in order to relate a lot easier.

   

  Now imagine what that feels like when your own brain is repressing you and you cant fight back, imagine feeling yourself starting to fade away as youre pushed down more and more.

  Ive had to suffer that for years in real life as it is, in games when youre playing for hours its like youre slowly dying second by second.

   

  Playing as male is lethal for me due to how my brain works, I am unable to fight back against my brains attempts to relate a lot better and try to get any enjoyment out of a male lead only game and I get zero enjoyment out of such games.

  When I play as female my brain doesnt repress me, it just forms the connection and I can enjoy the game without any problems.  But with a male lead its like when your body has undergone sleep paralysis and youre screaming at your body to wake up, to move, but it doesnt respond, thats how it feels for the most for me when playing as male, I am screaming at my body and my brain to not push me away, to let me live.

  It takes a lot of effort to eventually regain control, resulting in the male lead only game being removed from the console and put away.

   

  In order to avoid that happening anymore I have to avoid male lead only games, which means avoiding something like 99.9% of every release every year due to the obsession there is with catering to males, male lead onlys and keeping video games in the past while ignoring the more diverse video gamer demographic of not just female gamers, but also gamers of different skin colours, sexualities, gender identity and more.

  With so many male lead only titles and so little diversity then Im running out of games to play, Im tired of seeing the same old thing time and time again, the same old sausage fest of frankly lazy male lead only character, male catering and stale ideas while the industry continues to be stuck in a rut.

   

  I am not sexist, I dont mind males if anything I find some males quite attractive although I have no desire nor wish to sleep with any of them since I have no interest in sex I simply can not play as male due to how dangerous it is for me, as well as my being fed up of seeing male lead after male lead time and time again with no diversity, no option to play as female, very few to no female leads Tomb Raider not so long ago was the first game to even have a female lead you played as in several months, one female lead amid one too many male lead only titles, and many male gamers think thats a lot!

  If there had been a few games released with the option to play as female, then it would have been nice, but instead it was one female lead and the rest all male.  And if anyone speaks up against the very imbalanced ratio theyre attacked for speaking their concerns!

  No wonder gaming is stuck in a rut when anyone who speaks up is shot down for daring to infringe on male privileges.

   

  Anyway Im going off on a tangent, its a topic that is important to me but which Im always attacked for daring to even mention.

   

  I cant play as male, I refuse to play as male, so please, please, stop demanding me to like male lead only games!  Stop demanding me to be male!  Im not male and I am sick to death of being constantly demanded to be male and to like the same tired thing as the majority!

  If you cant accept that then instead of insulting me and attacking me for not being like you, just kindly get lost.  I have enough to deal with without being attacked by insecure cis-gendered haters.

   

  Like it or lump it, I have to do what I need to do for the sake of my life and my health.  Simple as that.

   

  And once again done.

  • Posted Apr 29, 2013 11:18 am GMT
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• 11Oct 12

  Are games lacking a challenge? I think so

  "It can be nice to think about the past, but the more you try to hold onto that past the more that past will consume you. The past is best thought of in moderation and definitely not to be seen with rose tinted glasses, because then youre just looking at a lie. Never forget the past, but dont live it either" - Reina Beaumont

  ~

  The good old days, when life was about school, cartoons, playing outside, dreaming of the unknown future, toys and for those of us of the video gaming generation video games.

  They were simple days in many ways, we did not have the stresses of the adult life that would later come. We didnt think about bills, taxes and work. We didnt have things like love, families to take care of and the stresses of the work place.

  We had stresses, aye, like being bullied at school, the school work and other concerns, but that was when we were a lot younger and still very much unaware of what life held in store for us.

  Compared to being an adult, life as a child fairly seems a lot more carefree when looking back on those days.

  Well those days werent exactly care free for me, but thats something I would rather not get into at this time.

  Back in those days every video game was an experience, a world to be played through and a score to brag about, well if you had any friends with which to brag about the score with.

  Each game was magical in its own way and the challenge didnt put us off, it only made us more determined to improve. Back then games were to be enjoyed and beaten as best we could.

  Games that allowed you to save your place were rare, every extra life and continue you could get was like something to be treasured, every small step forwards in the game was an adventure in itself.

  The good old days Maybe.

  ~

  As we've gotten older and the industry has moved into the cinematic games that are so common place today, it hasnt been hard to notice as we've grown up that games have become so much simpler than they used to be.

  It could be because we've only gotten better as we've gotten older or it could be that games really have gotten easier, which is probably true when you consider that games today tend to rely on hand holding mechanics and increasingly simplified game play in order to market to the younger generations who tend to be unable to play a game if its too hard and too challenging and cant be completed very quickly so that they can rush into the multi player and scream their little hearts out in racist, sexist insults towards other players across the world.

  With games getting increasingly shorter and easier to play and many games lacking anything even remotely considered a challenge then what does the future hold for video games?

  Will games continue to become so easy that a one eyed, one pawed cat with a cat nip addiction could complete them? It does tend to look that way.

  Thankfully there are games coming out that do have a challenge to them once in a while, they are few and far between, but they can be found.

  Games like Demons Souls, which is said to be an extremely challenging game, Dark Souls, Dragons Dogma, the new XCOM: Enemy Unknown and Sonic Unleashed are games designed to be challenging and to give the player the kind of challenge that is sorely lacking in the majority of todays games.

  But such games are, as I said, few and far between. Todays mentality towards defeat and doing badly is seen as automatic failure and damaging to a childs developing mind instead of a learning experience to be learned from, where once we would learn from our mistakes and try again, today such a thing is seen as a bad thing in things like schools, video games and more.

  Were the good old days really as good as we remember them to be? Was having our egos and confidence crushed by defeat and mistakes enjoyable?

  I think it was, although I dont think the good old days were all that great, they were still an important time in our lives that would shape us into who we are today.

  Without defeat and mistakes there is no way of learning where you went wrong and how to improve so that you don't make the same mistake again. Learning from the past tends to be looked down on in todays society.

  How can a child learn from their mistakes when they are being told that its important to be successful, instead of it being important to learn?

  ~

  Is the current direction of consistently simple games a good thing for the industry? I dont think it is, there is little moneys worth in a game that doesn't at least give you a challenge that was memorable.

  Without a challenge to test our abilities, then how can we ever learn to face whatever challenges await us, be they in a video game or in real life?

  'As a child, we learned and we made mistakes which we learned from. As an adult we still make mistakes, but if we are not willing to learn from those mistakes then we will only end up repeating them'

  I think we need games to have more of a challenge these days, they tend to give a much richer experience than the ones that lack a challenge.

  ~

  "Dont be worried about falling on your backside, if you do then just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again. Youll get there eventually" - Reina Beaumont

  • Posted Oct 11, 2012 3:44 pm GMT
  • Category: Opinion
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