(Its exactly the same as this one.) And I haven't really used it that much. But why did I join? Jeff lets me swear, while GameSpot makes them hide behind asterisks, fearing for their lives. Stop forcing these swears into a life of fear, GameSpot! THEY CAN'T EVEN SPEAK! Why? Fear. ****! Its OK, they don't know who you are, its OK, its OK. You're safe with the dog. Oh, and with James Rolfe and Ben Croshaw. They'll protect you, especially Rolfe. We're both old school, he'll understand. Speaking of old school, let's review Dig Dug for the Atari 2600. I know I'm beating Atari games in every blog, just go along with it. Anyway, we all know the goal of Dig Dug: you apparently protect some old lady's garden by blowing up little animals. Who you are, or what you are, I don't know, but I don't care. Why? This game is fun. That's it. Considering it was made in the arcade era (1980's to Mortal Kombat), it was made to be addictive and generally appealing. And it is, even on the Atari 2600. Like Burgertime, the transition is seamless. The graphics are actually pretty damn good, demonstrating a wide variety of colors and stuff. However, it can get cluttered and the sprites flickery, especially when the evil animals somehow phase through the water, like Edea of FF8. And while we're speaking flaws, the controls can feel somewhat stiff, but generally aren't too much of a problem most of the game. Another flaw? Well, the music only plays while you're moving, and the little sound effect that plays when you pump a creature full of death gas is missing. What the hell? Wait...music? On Atari? That's more of a what the hell than the what the hell for the lack of it while you're moving or the what the hell for the lack of one sound effect. Wait, I'm confused by my own sentece. Whatever, the game's still pretty damn good. I give it the Unnecessary Rick Rolls Award .

Yes, I put not one, not two, but TWO Rick Rolls in that previous post. Why? To waste your time. But while you're here, why not waste more time with some of my crappy little reviews? What else do we have here?...I'll go with Dragon Quest on the MSX. Now we know that I've beaten this countless times before, and I never ONCE rescued the princess, so I'll just link you t-

Yea, who the hell are you? *gets a massive kick to the balls*

The Princess wrote:

That's for leaving me in that crappy little cell in the Swamp Cave! How dare you get Erdrick's Armor without my help!

Oh god...so much pain....how many times have my balls been kicked!?!? Too many times...now then, what the hell was I saying before? Right, this one was on the MSX2, so there are changes. OK, differences, not really changes. Most noticeably, the graphics. First, everything is a lot less vibrant, even though the MSX had a wider color range than the NES. Oh, and you may have noticed from the former that the game looks a lot like Ultima. In fact, it feels like Ultima, only with the interface being easier to use and the entire game easy to play. That's what I like about it compared to Ultima and other WRPGs: good interface. However, unlike those games, the speed I played this one was REAALLLLYYY REAALLLY SLOOOOWWWW. Very, very, very slow. I had to boost this thing up by a third to get it around NES speed. Not a good thing. Throw in the short length (even though playing in Japanese would, logically, make it a bit harder) and the weird ending screen you get, and you have a fairly average JRPG. One that deserves the Screw the Princess Award. Hey, since we're on the subject of RPGs and getting kicked in the nuts, let's move onto my multipart thing. What's ball kicking have to do with it, you say? *kicks you in the nuts* There. There's your relevance.

Janet Reno wrote:

OK, so we've finally arrived at the Nintendo World Store. What do you want to do for your petty vacation?

I'm gonna go play Tetris on that melted Game Boy.

AVGN wrote:

Are you ****ing serious? That has to be the dumbest ****ing thing I've ever heard.

Like you have a better idea.

Queen wrote:

I imagine he does, for two reasons.

I know its locked in the little glass thing, but what's the other reason?

Queen wrote:

Its floating through the ceiling.

AVGN wrote:

What the ass? *group goes to roof, meets Santa*

Satan Clause! I thought I killed you in the Santanic War!

Janet Reno wrote:

You guys have a vendetta against Santa? That's it, I'm leaving the party. *leaves*

Satan Clause wrote:

Excellent. Now that she has left, it will be easier to kill three useless ****s.

AVGN wrote:

Um...okay?

No way in Hell you're gonna kill us! *starts bludgeoning Satan Clause to death*

Burger King wrote:

You forgot me! *evil laugh*

AVGN wrote:

Oh no, its the Burger King! Your games suck monkey **** out of a buffalo's anushole! *starts buldgeoning Burger King to death*

*Game Boy drops from sky, releases Nintendo spirit* Does Tetris still work? *starts playing Tetris* YES! Here, you can have this. *hands spirit to AVGN*

Queen wrote:

What happened to this being a vacation ?

No idea, just let me play my Tetris. *batteries run out* DAMNIT! *throws Game Boy off roof of building, breaks it*

(But first, some exercises.) First, imagine being a rock star. OK, now imgaine being a fake rock star holding a plastic guitar, and you have Guitar Hero. Remove any appeal Guitar Hero has, stuff what's left into a crappy little pick, and you have Guitar Idol. Seriously, this is a stupid thing to buy. Its almost as pathetic as ShamWow or ZizzZazz. Let's all hope that we do not become this pitiful someday. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about that, as is evidenced by my new look. Yes, I change my look more often that others, but I make my own stuff! Like this:

The avatar. No, not the Nickelodeon anime about a 12 year old who hangs out with eskimos or something, I mean mine. And to quell rumors, I was NOT listening to The Man with the Machine Gun while making this. I was thinking of me hacking into the Internet or something. I wanted the damn background to look more like computer chip-esque, but there's only so much Paint.NET can do. Speaking of which...

The banner. Oh, this is the best example of me screwing around with Paint.NET. It all started out with a bridge, and then I found the twist tool and made that kickass swirly thing. Everything else kinda went on its own from there. The only thing I could've done better was probably make the magic resisting thing when two magical forces collide and the universe tears itself a new **** Moving on, we have...

The header. Please don't tell me that I ripped off the intro to Conker's Bad Fur Day, for I knew that going into it. The whole concept was me in my throne room, just sitting there. Interpret it how you see fit, whether it be two opposing sides ready to kick each other's asses, or my loyal minions. Whatever, I just collected the stupidest looking guys I could find . Oh, and before I end this portion, it was utter hell to edit this to what I wanted. Why? Here's the original background.Yea, lots of Disney. And then getting Pit to fit in there....pain. Moving on...

The profile pic that nobody will ever look at. Yes, this time, there's no self-indulgent, meaningless story behind it. Its just me on a Chocobo in an alley. Wanted it to be a bit tougher than that, but the car from Street Fighter II was FAR too big for this, and Chocobos are just cooler modes of transportation. But of course, I live on the moon, not on GBC-type Earth. Which is why I made the following:

My sig. Pretty cool, huh? I summon the greatest powers known to the cosmos for no know reason whatsoever. Apparently, I have a very stupid army who wants to try it out fro themselves. And then there's Knuckles, hiding out in the corner. That doesn't mean much, I just did it because it fits there properly and for humorous effect. Oh, and you notice how there's a buttload of creatures flying in the background? That was supposed to be a space battle, but instead...you know.

OK, that's enough of me showing you my new look. Now its time for a multipart dialogue sequence: Final Fantasy Park VII! And this is the end of it (ending on Disc 1), mainly because I couldn't think of much past Aeris's death. OK, let's get this started and see if I can improvise my way through this:

(In this blog, you decide.) But what the hell does any of that have to do with gaming? Shut up, its my blog. And besides, there's an utter crapload of WW2 FPS's out there, so the Nazi thing is relevant. Besides, how else could I transition into my video of Hitler being beaten by Daffy Duck? There's probably a better way to do it than using a political question as my blog title, but I'm not good with transitions (explaining why I begin many sentences with the word "and"). Anyway, we now see one side of the argument: Nazis being so evil that Daffy needed to take them down. So what's the other side of the argument? Perhaps the only video game ever released with the word communist in the title: Communist Mutants from Space. I had no idea that aliens were ever focused on socioeconomic philosophies, but I'll go along with it. Since this was made in the early 80's, the goal is, obviously, to kill Commies. However, it might as well be "shoot the drug dealers and protect the coke", as there's no indication that they're communist. Seems like a cheap motivation for shooting them. It works, but its still a stupid way to get me to shoot them. Oh, I forgot to mention it was a shooter, but you probably figured that out when saw "kill" and "aliens". Its an overhead shooter, and plays a bit like Galaga. The goal is to, I guess, kill the head Commie and then take care of the subordinates. However, Mutant Stalin lays eggs like crazy, and hides behind a shield of aliens. This means that you either need to shoot a lot down QUICKLY or just have amazingly dumb luck. Think its easy trying to destroy these guys? Play this game and then come back to me (if you haven't already defected ). I read on Wiki that there were a lot of things you can do at the menu screen to adjust the game, like a shield or penetration shot, but the game didn't make that clear. Just a few letters that I was expected to understand. The graphics are minimal for everything except Mutant Stalin, who has detail and multiple colors. Everything else is pretty much ripped from Space Invaders. In fact, that's the best way I can sum this up: Space Invaders with a thin communist ploy. So I give it the Best Communist Game Award. Not saying much, given that its the ONLY Communist game out there.

Well, we did something German, than Russian, so how about some more Germany? Fine, we'll do that with Castlevania X: Rondo of Blood. Yes, I finally managed to play what is essentially the only reason to own a TurboGrafx-16 CD (even if you are American). So what the hell is German about it? The voice acting in the beginning is German, even though the text (and the rest of the voice acting) is in Japanese. Because of all this, I can't tell you anything about the story other than you're a Belmont, Dracula's alive, you have to kick his ass, and I'm not doing a diagoue sequence based on the Burger King. He's dead. Get over it. You probably ignored all the previous text, surprised that this game contains voice acting. Of course it does, its a CD game! This also means that there's orchestrated music (and a kickass rendition of Vampire Killer), but surprisingly, ZERO LOAD TIMES! Holy hell, Batman, a CD game from the early 90's without a single load time! Suck it, Playstation. Go and hide in the corner, shame in tow. No load times means the action doesn't stop, and this is some good action. Rondo of Blood plays a lot like old school Castlevania in that its a platformer and not a medieval Metroid game. The old power ups remain, like the cross and axe, but there are new ones and ones that feel new, like the Bible or the now-actually-useful holy water. But along with using them traditionally, there are a few enhancements that influenced the series afterwards. For example, you can now pick your weapon back up if you pick up another one, and then...there's the Item Crush. Imagine the Limit Breaks of Final Fantasy put in action game form. Pretty sweet, but their usefulness can waver between cheap and useless, depending on what it is and who you're using it against. There are other changes, like alternate paths, holes that AREN'T filled with what I assume is lava (as is the case with every platformer), and a new character to play as. All of this, rolled up into a pretty good platformer with Sega Genesis level graphics. Hey, its the freaking PC Engine, don't expect much in terms of graphics. I give this the Most Confusing Intro Award. Did you click the link? Did you see who made that game? It was Konami, the same guys behind Metal Gear Solid. I think you know what this means: something that doesn't involve the Burger King. Its Metal Gear Royal! (That's what I'm calling this.)

(That was my impersonation of Butthead.) You can expect a Beavis and Butthead video with this blog, but here's the twist: A WHOLE BUNCH OF 'EM! For those too lazy to pick an episode (even though most are pretty good), I'll choose my favorite episodes. These episodes are cool. Uh-hu-hu-hu-hu, uh-hu-hu-hu-hu....wait, I forgot what I was talking about. Oh right, Battletoads, for the NES! I think. Anyway, as you should know, Battletoads is a beat em up starring two toads (even though they're frogs) in the oldest plot knwon to man: rescue the princess by beating up everybody who was in line before you at the drive thru. However, unlike other beat em ups, this one seems to focus a helluva a lot more on platforming than the actual beatings, almost making it a hybrid. A totally awesome hybrid that's hard as hell. Yes, we all know that Battletoads has a difficulty level that turns little girls into hardened men, but it never once feels cheap. OK, there are a few areas that made me want to kill the firstborn son of every house in town, but those are attributed to something else I'll get to later. Back on topic, it never really feels cheap, like Ghosts N Goblins. Everything in the game can be done, but it takes many tries and overall knowledge of what you're doing to actually complete it. Wow, didn't even mention the gameplay aspects, like how you can heabutt people, or the tower level that was popular back then. Seriously, it was in every game: Dynamite Headdy, Nebulus, Mickey Mania, I could probably go on! But I won't, I have to squeeze in other references, like the graphics. They're among the best on the console, containing a crapload of detail that I've only seen in two other games, both developed by Takeru. The music, however, isn't as revolutionary. The in-game music is fine, I won't go on about that, but the pause music is just awful. It sounds like somebody taking synchronized dumps while clapping to the whole thing, like they're doing it for a very open and very creepy talent show. But if you plan on not pausing, it still sounds decent. I just recommend you play it on an NES. Why? There are glitches in the game that can only arise from not playing on the original NES, like rising off the floor due to switching between the left and right buttons the the D-Pad too fast (making Rat Race near impossible), and supposedly multiplying the difficulty level on Clinger Winger from Really Hard to Biblically Hard. Those are really the only things to look out for, except for the difficulty level that'll turn some people off. Wrapping up this review, I give it the Couldn't Beat it Months Ago Award. Seriously, I stopped at Rat Race months ago and never touched this game again.

Instead, I was probably looking up random, obscure, esoteric games that even I haven't heard of. Games like Pepsi Invaders for the Atari 2600. The title is somewhat of a misnomer because, ironically, it was actually made by Coca Cola. Kinda weird, right? Anyway, the rest of the title is fairly leading: it is Space Invaders, but with a Pepsi theme. You shoot the letters that make up Pepsi (plus an alien), with the little UFO being the Pepsi logo...damnit, I know I had a picture of Pepsi Earth at from one of my blogs. Just dig it up yourselves. It isn't under StarTropics, I checked. Anyway, like Donkey Kong Country Competition Cartridge before it, this game has a timer on how long you can play. However, instead of 5 minutes, you get 3. OK, that's fair. Other than that, not much I can say. It was a prototype, so there are key differences between this and Space Invaders for the same system, like how your barriers mysteriously disappear when the enemies get too close, or the increased difficulty. Other than that, its exactly like Space Invaders, quite possibly making it one of the first video game mods. Therefore, I give it the PC Gaming Gets ****ed up the Ass Award, just because one of its most imporant aspects was invented on the console scene . That's right, consoles are better than PC's; JRPG's are better than WRPG's; my dialogue sequence about the now irrelevant Jack Thompson is better than Ultima or Shadowrun! You know where I'm going with this: Trumping Quest 64 Dialogue Sequence Time!

(Jack Thompson is facing permanent disbarment!) Oh, what a joyous day for gamers! The cobra's fangs no long drip with venom! Today, we rejoice and feast likes kings...which means I celebrate as if I were a god! To aid in the party favors, I add insult to his injury with THIS! However, today is also a dark day not for gamers, but for all humanity...and moonanity. Painstaking research has led me to a horrible revelation: Satan Clause is still alive. Not only that, but he and Big Boss of Metal Gear Solid are one and the same! I was somewhat aided by Hideo Kojima's depictions of the Solid Snake sagas. Most importantly, Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake. Guess what? I beat it recently. And I have to say its better than the original. Instead of being in Africa, you go to the rogue nation of Zanzibar Land, trying to recover OILIX and stop the latest Metal Gear. Don't worry, there's more to it than that. A helluva lot more to it. In fact, the story is incredibly well written for its time. The characters and plot play out like every post-Snatcher Hideo Kojima game. And there's also the sheer greatness of poisonous hamsters. How can such innocent pieces of crap be turned so deadly? Overall, great story that does a lot differently. The gameplay, however, remains somewhat unchanged. Its still Zelda-esque, but with a few improvements on how items work. You have more weapons that work differently, more items (my favorite being the one that creates Buckethead Snake), and, eventually, a solution for the "switching between craploads of keys" problem. The stealth gameplay also recieves a few refinements. Enemies now have (somewhat) improved AI, a new radar system (that turns off when things get heated), and sound-emitting environments. But while the surrounding stealth elements have recieved major improvements, the Zelda-esque core remains untouched. The only thing that recieved a downgrade, really, was the boss battles. They're all way too easy, despite their creativity. Metal Gear was a joke, and Big Boss was destroyed by the video game equivelant of lighting your farts on fire. Despite all this, it manages to be a fairly good game (even if it does bare too much of a resemblance to Phantasy Star II), and one of the best reasons I can think of for getting an MSX. I give it the Child Abuse and Perversion Award. Why? Well, there are a b....I'll explain it in dialogue sequence form:

(Not reviewing Final Fantasy VI, obviously.) However, I have found a pretty good video that features Kefka teaming up with Harlequin and showing us that Espers totally suck at Guitar Hero. That video freaking rocks. But enough of that, we must move onto something that does not rock. Not Chrono Trigger, that game's still pretty good. No, I'm talking about Shienryu. Now I know that when I get a shiny new console that plays 3D games, I tend to leap towards the 2D games for some reason. This time, I have an excuse: the Sega Saturn could barely pull off 3D, probably because it had the programming prowess of two toasters taped together . So the console could only do 2D. Point is, I beat a 2D shooter called Shienryu. The name may sound a bit funny, but trust me, there are FAR weirder Sega Saturn names. But don't judge a book by its cover, as its pretty much like every other shooter on the market. You still shoot crap flying at you from all directions, trying to weave between bullets the whole time. The only real difference is that it feels more like an arcade shooter than any other I've played. Playing this game will send you back to your local pizzeria, where you'd jam your allowance into a 1943 arcade cabinet until your order was ready. But that's one of the few good things I can say about this game. Why? Well, it starts off WAY too easy, everything dying at the hands of my Palpatine-esque lightning power-up. Then, for about two levels, things become prettty good. I'm actually having fun in these two levels. Then.....then comes the Ghosts 'N Goblins level difficulty. Shooter developers, come here for a second. *gets REALLLY close to them* Get it through your head: I don't like it when a game is so easy that I can beat the game by taping down the A button, but I'm also not a fan of games that force me to pause every second to plot my course. Seriously, death stalks you around every corner, just waaiting to screw over your perfect play. Other than that, there's not much to say, its an average shooter. Even the graphics are average. For the Neo Geo, they'd be great, but this is the Sega Saturn. Look at its true power! And you're telling me they couldn't make a game look that good? Not buying it. Wait, I didn't buy it to begin with, so that.......screw it, my head hurts because I used it for thinking. I'll just hand it the One of the Few Shooters Where the Crap Pea-Shooter is Actually a Decent Weapon Award .

OK, that game made me too angry, let's move onto something that's actually decent. What could it be? Chrono Trigger, only for the Playstation this time. What's the difference? The only one I really noticed that was on purpose (I'll complan about that later) was the inclusion of anime cutscenes. I imagine it was fairly easy, given the anime art "blyle". However, one huge flaw here: you essentially watch the same cutscene twice, as Square didn't take the time to remove the actual scene from the game. Good game design, right there. Actually, the game design is good. As you should know by now (from personal knowledge, not from this blog), the battle system uses the same ATB system that FF uses. However, gone are the Row and Defend commands (logically), so you only have 3 commands. This is compensated for greatly by the rest of the battle system: techs. What are techs, you ask (not really)? Well, they're basically really cool looking spells. However, you can combine them with other teammates' techs to form double or triple techs. It really depends on who you have in your party, which gives you a degree of choice in how you tackle the game. I was an idiot and based my party on who was coolest: Crono, Frog and Magus . However, as I said, the game still gives you choice in how you play it. Case in point: the massive amount of endings. Dear God, there are a crapload of endings. So many that I just say "Screw it" and go to Youtube. And that brings us to the story: pretty good. The villain doesn't really do anything throughout the whole game, but you feel like he does.....just play the damn game and develop your own opinions on the story, OK? But while you're doing that, hear me say that the music is good, but not as kickass as in other games, like Final Fantasy VI, Fire Emblem 4, or Terranigma. Those are the games that set my standards for RPG's. The last good thing I can say is that the graphics are pretty much the best on the SNES. There wasn't much transition between concept art and the sprites. OK, is that it? Now for the really, really bad thing: load times. Why are there load times in an SNES game on the PS1? There's loads for the menus, changing from the overworld to towns/dungeons, going into battle, GAAAHHH!!!! What the hell, Square? Why couldn't you just pack everything into one place on the disc? I believe it was Hironobu Sakaguchi who said....

Well, you've failed . Ending on that note, I give this game the Marty McFly Award of Confusing Time Travel. Now what came after Chrono Trigger for Square? Super Mario RPG, but what came after that? That's right, Final Fantasy VII. Time for another installment. And since I can't write introductions, I'll just tell you that Al Gore and friends reached North Corel, and he ran off. They find him, he's crying.

Kyle wrote:

Dude, why'd you run off?

Al Gore wrote:

Well....it was 4 years ago. ShinRa set up a reactor in the town. They said it was for the town, but I knew their true intention.

Kyle wrote:

Here it comes...

Al Gore wrote:

They were hiding Manbearpig in the reactors! So when they left, I blew the reactor up, killing any trace of Manbearpig in the area! And from that day on, everybody in town thought I was super awesome. They just don't know it yet.

Wendy wrote:

! You blew up an entire town!? What the hell's wrong with you?

Kyle wrote:

Yea, that's messed up. Let's leave him here and go to the Gold Saucer. *group goes to Gold Saucer, Kenny & Kyle go off with each other, meet Towelie*

Towelie Sith wrote:

Hey....hey, do you guys, um....want a fortune?

Kenny wrote:

You tell fortunes?

Towelie wrote:

Sure I do! Just....just give me a second. *smokes some weed, gives fortune*

Kyle wrote:

What the.....this is just a half-eaten bag of Dorito's.

Kenny wrote:

Yea, what the ****?

Towelie wrote:

Oh....just....*gives another fortune*

Kyle wrote:

This one just says, "You wanna get high?".

Towelie wrote:

Oh, you wanna get high?

Kyle wrote:

Screw this. *leaves*

Towelie wrote:

Wait, I'm like supposed to......you wanna get high? *Kenny leaves, Towelie joins their party against their will*

It sounded a lot better in my head .