• 31Jan 11

  Better than the average colonoscopy

  I got tired of seeing my whining past self whenever I signed into this, so I thought I would share a little game that's been filling my precious hours of late. And for everyone who plays, this means you just lost the game. Sorry.

  Anyway, it's called Happy Wheels, and you can watch a fat woman have her intestines blown out by a landmine under the thin veil of a scrolling, 2D driving game. It's insanely good fun, and at this current time of writing there are.. 382,678 levels. So the only way you would complain of it being a short game is if you were actually immortal. Which you're not.

  The game is here:http://www.totaljerkface.com/happy_wheels.php

  I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this, as the only person likely to read this is just me, in the future. Hi there future Matt! You're older, and you probably have loads of work to do. I'm sitting here at half 3 in the afternoon watching Jeremy Kyle pretend to be Ross Kemp. You're probably really stressed and tired and unhappy. HA! Idiot.

  In other news, I still have two feet and computer games are, as yet, still legal.

  • Posted Jan 31, 2011 7:34 am GMT
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• 25Jan 10

  My e-mail to Facebook

  OK, I didn't really know where to put this, and I figured Gamespot is fairly computer-ish so landed here. Lately Facebook has been irritating me more than big, camp, plague rats, and having spent a literal hour continually copying and pasting and refreshing and rebooting just to write the word "yeah" on someone's wall I figured I'd had enough and sent them an e-mail. An e-mail, though, shrouded in amicability, so they don't actually delete my Facebook which I'm getting steadily more sure they're going to do anyway.

  Anyhow, this is what I sent:

  "Dear faceless drone,

  You may be wondering why, what with advancements in latest social networking technology such as Twitter, Facebook is still so popular. Why, despite seemingly being barraged with complaints, and the occasional Facebook-caused underage sexual assault, everyone still logs on day in and day out. I mean, toddlers have Facebook, the elderly have Facebook. I'm genuinely friends with two cats on Facebook. They don't even have thumbs!

  The reason is because we love Facebook! We really do. Even when, once we've just become used to the layout, you completely rehaul everything and switch things around for no discernible reason in several days of painful inactivity, so now the Events page is upside down and you can't see anyone's wall-to-wall anymore. Heh, it's kooky! It's like, your thing. And we love you for it.

  Recently I've found myself God-damn LOVING Facebook just so much, largely because it seems to have utterly stopped working. I can't do anything with it. It won't let me search for anyone. When I write on someone's wall it goes grey for 30 seconds, then comes up with an error message, every single time. "Oops" it giggles demurely, like the token retarded cheerleader. "Something went wrong!"

  No, not "something". You went wrong, you piece of sh-t.

  That's what I WOULD be saying, if not for the fact I loved Facebook so much. We all do. We love it so much we might as well just all punch ourselves over and over again in the kidneys.

  The latest awesome feature which spurred me to write this was when I went to log-off, and it wouldn't let me! Oh how I appreciated the humour of that! So now I'm basically trapped in your site, like ooh I don't know, a nice big hug! Or a sociable Israeli prison.

  And that's why I decided to send this affectionate reminder that we all care very much about you. I don't even know if it's being sent to the right place, because the Facebook Help centre refused to open. Oh you are a cheeky rascal aren't you! So yes, I just wanted to let you know.

  Yours affectionately,

  Matt.

  P.S: Are you SURE your wife isn't having an affair??"

  I'll post again in the unlikely situation of a reply.

  In other news, I am still alive and computer games still exist.

  • Posted Jan 25, 2010 8:51 am GMT
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• 5Jan 10

  My least favourite form of precipitation

  The reason I'm sitting at home of an evening and making a Gamespot profile, and not out at some form of horrible club called 'Revs' or 'Buffs' or 'Slits' or whatever the devil they're called these days, is because of frozen water. It's literally ground the country to a halt.
  I'm from England, and we don't get a lot of snow here. The best you usually get from a winter is just some quite cold rain, or if you're really lucky, sleet. And now, having spent my whole childhood sadly making sleetmen and staring wistfully into my fridge-freezer every Christmas, 2 goddamned feet of snow has fallen, and its getting worse. Everyone's panicking, roads are clogged, shops have been stripped bare because supplies are going to run out, it's like 'The Day After Tomorrow', except with no wolves. My house is freezing and my dog is getting all confused, not sure whether to trust snow or not. Hopefully she'll soon learn it is a worthy adversary.
  And so now I'm here, writing this, looking outside at what looks like Narnia, or an industrial off-shoot of it at any rate. Anyway, I should probably talk about some games.
  I'm not a massive gamer; I don't really play online and get called a n00b and things, but it is pretty much the only hobby I have, largely because everything else demands I have to stand up and go places and do things. Plus I'm a student with about 5 hours of lectures a week so all other time either goes on the Xbox or drunkenly stumbling around. I've been a Playstation boy ever since the classic 2D Rayman days, and I've been viewing Xboxs and their weirdly large controllers with suspicion until playing my housemates, and I'm slowly and grudgingly getting used to it.
  Any sort of games where you can shoot things, largely monkeys wearing hats or comically oversized mice or the like, are among my favourites. I'm dire at sports games mainly because I'm dire at sports, and so I tend to avoid both.
  My name is Matt by the way. Hello. Sit down. Would you like a cup of tea?
  • Posted Jan 5, 2010 2:11 pm GMT
  • Category: Opinion
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