I was initially going to post my Muscle Car Roundup today, but unfortunately hit a bit of a snag. For a classic car buff like me, narrowing down the best muscle carsof all time into a mere top ten can be a daunting task. And on top of all that, I actually need to put them in ascending order. Dearie me...

So in the interest of filler, I decided to clear some of the old review backlog by finally posting my review for Condemned, an overlooked gem of a game way back in '05. This also lets me test out a few changes I made to the TrueScore formula devised way back when.

As always, praise and voodoo curses are welcome.

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Condemned: Criminal Origins

review

Gameplay - 9

Graphics - 9

Audio - 10

Story/Multiplayer - 8

Chin Factor - 10

TrueScore - 9.2

Condemned: Criminal Origins is a refreshing, brutal take on a familiar genre and a game that manages to flourish despite some unfortunate design choices.

Most PC gamers remember Monolith best for their excellent shooter, The Operative: No One Lives Forever. It was a refreshing, revolutionary game that spoofed 60's spy movies with hilarious dialogue, a cheery atmosphere and funny characters. As in F.E.A.R. though, none of these things have carried over to Monolith's launch title for the Xbox 360, Condemned: Criminal Origins. Instead, you find yourself immersed in a world clearly influenced by movies like Se7en, The Silence of the Lambs and other psychological horror movies. A world that is as seedy and dark as the characters that inhabit it.

The story centers on a hotshot FBI investigator named Ethan Thomas, who is framed for the murder of two police officers. To clear his name, Ethan must hunt down a serial killer in a deadly game of cat and mouse, where everything is not as it seems and paranormal occurrences are plentiful. To further complicate the situation, something is killing all the birds in certain areas of the city and driving up the crime rate, turning people in affected zones into crazed, violent savages.

"This guy gives new meaning to the old saying of having a face only a mother could love"

Condemned differs from other first person shooters in a variety of ways. The most profound difference is the scarcity of weapons and their lethality. Unlike in other games of the genre, weapons are hard to come by. Also unlike most shooters, pretty much every gun in Condemned is one-shot, one-kill. In an effort to further intensify the atmosphere and promote survival horror, ammo is extremely scarce. You have to make do with what little ammo has been loaded into the weapon as you acquire it and to make matters worse, enemies share the same reserves. This forces you to attack gun-toting enemies quickly if you wish to have any hope of using their guns before they run dry. Luckily you can use the weapon as a club after it's precious ammo has been used up. You also get a taser that incapacitates anyone long enough for you to grab their weapon, a trick that comes in handy on a couple of occasions.

All this naturally begs the question of how exactly do you defend yourself from those murderous hobos if guns are so rare? The answer is simple; with anything you can get your hands on! Be it pipes, 2x4s, electrical conduits, locker doors, paper cutters, fire axes, sledgehammers or good old fashioned desks, almost anything in the environment can be fashioned into a weapon. One strange omission is the lack of sharp weapons like knives or swords. Because of this, the game features no dismemberment whatsoever, which is also a shame and rather odd when taking into account the otherwise extremely violent nature of the game.

In order to break up the action every now and then, the game uses some extremely rudimentary CSI-esque clue hunting. Apparently Ethan is gifted with an uncanny ability to sense when evidence is around, turning the screen devoid of color and blurring his hearing. When presented with such a scenario, you have to find the evidence and analyze it using various gadgets like black lights, DNA samplers and even common digital cameras. This might sound interesting, but thanks to the extremely simple two button interface, it quickly devolves into mere pixel hunting. The fact that Ethan automatically chooses the appropriate tool for each piece of evidence further dumbs down an otherwise promising aspect of the game.

"Ah, the crowbar! That most hallowed of all videogame weapons"

Graphically, Condemned is a damn fine looking game, especially for a launch title. It's not quite as jaw-dropping as Perfect Dark Zero, but it's art design is undeniably better. Each location is gritty and downright disgusting, lending to the creepy, almost claustrophobic feel. While the level design can get a bit repetitive on occasion (a la F.E.A.R.), the game never gets tedious thanks to it's outstanding visuals that draw you in. Condemned also maintains a mostly smooth framerate, also a great plus for a launch title. The motion capture is truly something to behold. Each vagrant and freak moves with an uncanny realism, making the beatings seem that much more savage. Each hit and parry is painstakingly choreographed and it really helps bring the game alive. Looking at a bum struggling to keep his balance, swearing and pumping his fists after a brutal hit is just one of those "Did you see that?!"-moments in the game. If I had to find fault in the graphics though, it would probably be the character models. Most of them are fine (or even great), but especially during cut scenes you can clearly see that some tighter textures would have helped a great deal.

Audio often gets overlooked in a lot of games and I have honestly no clue as to why. Crusading against this, Monolith has created such a fantastic sound world that will force you to take notice. Each ghostly scream, tilting bottle and creaky door is captured beautifully and it all adds up to an unbelievable experience. If at all possible, be sure to play this game with a proper 5.1 surround sound system. It will drive you to the edge of your seat more than a few times. The music featured in Condemned is a successful, if sometimes odd mix. At certain parts in the game (especially the main screen), the soundtrack takes an almost NOLFish tone that conjures up hilarious memories. There's a fair bit of creepy tracks in there too, most of which blend in with the action nicely, occasionally rising up to scare you or highlight a particular plot point. Most often than not though, the game relies on silence to create ambience. This was a brilliant choice on Monolith's part, as it helps create tension more than any scary track and it also lets the brilliant sound world run free with your paranoia.

Even though there are a few disappointing facets, like the sometimes repetitive nature of the levels, the combat that stays pretty much the same through the entire game, idiot-proof puzzles or the story that doesn't quite deliver in the end, Condemned: Criminal Origins is a fresh take on a stagnant genre, and one that should definitely be experienced by fans of survival horror, psychological terror and visceral, brutal action. As a launch title, it is unrivaled in the Xbox 360 library and deserves a home in your collection.

So I finally went to see Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull yesterday, after much hesitation and soul-searching. After I was thoroughly raped by Die Hard 4.0, I was understandably nervous when it came to Indy. Watching McClane make an ass of himself is entirely different than watching Indy do it, after all. Also, I was pretty sure my mind couldn't take anymore sodomized quadrilogies. Adding all these factors together, I managed to keep myself out of the theater. Until yesterday, that is. Call me a sentimental old sap, but in my heart I knew Spielberg and Lucas couldn't ruin something as pure and awesome as Indiana Jones, even if they threw all the digital eye candy in the world at him. Gaining new resolve from this feeling, I marched down to the local cineplex and bought myself a ticket. Not a moment too soon either, since it had already been moved to the smallest screen, ready to be phased out in mere weeks.

So now that I finally saw the movie, do I feel like jamming an eaggbeater up my ass or not?

Most definitely not. Even though KotCS ranks below ToD as the "worst" Indy flick, it is by no means a bad movie. Not even remotely. I admit, I had a hard time swallowing that whole alien angle (especially when that saucer sprang up... I kid you not), which apparently is a major fetish for ol' Steven. There were a few other lows, mainly how badly Karen Allen has aged after RotLA, but you can hardly blame the movie for that. However, major points for the movie for having an age-appropriate love interest for Indy. I swear, if they had paired Ford up with someone like Scarlett Johansson, I'd have punched my happysack until passing out from sheer agony.

On the flipside though, the movie did a lot of things correctly. For one, they totally nailed the lighting and cinematography, making KotCS feel just like RotLA, ToD and TLC. I'm sure if Lucas had had his way, the movie would have been shot in front of a green screen and would have ended up like an upchucked bag of M&Ms, colorful but still just crap. The fellas went even further though, incorporating certain sound effects like punches and the whip from previous movies. A very nice touch. The plot managed to strike a nice balance between pulp fiction silliness and genuine adventure. The action set pieces were inspired and pure Indy from start to finish. The supporting cast was excellent and mostly well utilized. The ending had a great "passing of the mantle" gag that worked both ways when you think about it. On one hand, they're clearly setting up Mutt as Indy's replacement and letting us know it. On the other though, they're still keeping Harrison on life support, just to tease us. In all honesty though, even if KotCS salvaged my hopes for an Indy quadrilogy, I'd rather not see Lucas and Spielberg try to push the franchise too far. Sooner or later, they're bound to stumble.

I guess I've really said all I need to say about the movie by now. Sure, I could go on and on about the details, but suffice it to say I liked it (a lot) and felt it was a true and just sequel and a fitting piece in the history of one of cinema's greatest heroes.

One final gripe however. I can't for the life of me figure out why they didn't use the c-l-a-s-s-i-c Indiana Jones title card in the beginning? The moment I saw that plain, black text hit the screen, I was sure they were setting up a gag, milking it until just the right moment. I sat there for five minutes after the end credits rolled, stubbornly waiting for that damn title card to appear. And nothing. Not a damn thing.

It's been no secret that Michel Ancel has been working on a sequel to the most excellent Beyond Good & Evil. In fact, early on he let slip that he wanted to do a trilogy (before it became an annoying trend in gaming as a whole). So far though, the one thing missing has been a greenlight from Ubi.

Apparently the light has been given and we are go for launch:

Beyond Good & Evil 2

In light of such fantastic news, I believe a change of underwear is in order.

In my opinion, one of the greatest perks of this console generation has been the bountiful supply of online demos featured on XBL and PSN. No longer are they a privilege of magazine-ordering nerds, but rather an inalienable right for all us gamers. I can't tell you how many times I've saved 70 euros (109 bucks) by skipping on a game thanks to demos. On the flipside however, few demos have actually managed to pique my interest into buying the full game. Yesterday though, I had a stroke of luck.

Recently unleashed on both PSN and XBL, I downloaded the demos for The Bourne Conspiracy and GRiD. Even though I've been tracking both games, they've been pretty low on my radar. So you can imagine my pleasant surprise when I booted up said demos and found them to be quite good. Oh sure, they've got some issues but from what I've seen so far, Sierra and Codemasters can count on getting my benjamins come release time.

The Bourne Conspiracy

Based on both Robert Ludlum's best-selling books as well as the critically-acclaimed motion pictures, The Bourne Conspiracy is an action game divided into three distinct gameplay mechanics. This is both it's greatest success and worst failing. The hand-to-hand portion of the game is downright beautiful, even in it's simplicity. I can't remember the last time I've played a game with such a visceral, thrilling combat system. It's cinematic, it's edgy and it's downright brutal. You can clearly see the gritty influence of the movies in this particular portion of the game. Next up is the more traditional third-person shooting mechanic. The controls are good and the action is satisfying enough. It's downright decent on it's own, but compared to the most excellent H2H portion, feels a bit lacking. Finally, we get to the driving portion of the demo. Unfortunately, Bourne falls completely flat in this regard, as I feared from the get-go. The handling is sloppy, the levels are tedious and artificial and the action is anything but. I'm hoping the full game has only a few such set pieces.

GRiD

A spiritual successor of sorts to the excellent DiRT, GRiD employs the wonderful NEON engine. This means not only do you get to drive some pretty cars, you get to **** them up beyond recognition as well. And really, isn't that what racing is all about? After playing around with the demo, I'm happy to say the controls feel great, striking that fine balance between simulation and arcade. GRiD also has a sexy instant replay system that not only looks good, but has an impact on the race as well. The only thing worrying me is the track layout, which seemed a bit on the conservative side. I guess only time will tell.

So there you have it. Some mental splooge of mine, wrapped in a neat little blog post. If you feel the need for speed (who doesn't?) or the need to lay some super agent smackdown (again, who doesn't?), give these two a go.

Only in Hollywood (and politics) can a hypocrite like me make millions

Straight off the bat, I'm not referring to Angela Lansbury. Although she really boils my potatoes in Murder, She Wrote.

Hot damn!

No, I'm actually referring to a car. And not just any car, but the sweetest/sexiest/most badass vehiculo to ever grace God's green Earth. Of course, I'm talking about none other than the legendary 1969 Dodge Charger R/T.

I came across this particular specimen on ebay one day, during my daily pointless cyberspace expeditions that move ever so gracefully between the continents of intarweb pron and violent flash cartoons. Needless to say, after looking at a few pictures, I called up the dealership hocking this beauty. Fast forward three agonizing months and a sizable debt and this thing is sitting in my driveway. And I couldn't be happier.

It looks like it came from the factory just yesterday and drives twice as smoother. It came with the 440 Six Pack, which has been tweaked further by the previous owner to pump out a mind-numbing 420BHP. One gentle press with your big toe will send this 3639 lb behemoth roaring down the highway like it was shot from a cannon.

Now to set you into the mood even further, I present for your consideration, these 60's commercials. You can almost smell the groovy!

After thinking about this for a long time, I've finally decided to leave GameSpot permanently and effective immediately.

My reasons are too complex to go into here, but suffice it to say that after Jeff Gerstmann left, I haven't been the same person. And instead of kidding myself, I decided to grab the bull by the horns and ride it into the sunset.

Fare thee well. Ye shall be missed!