Wait! There is a new Die Hard?!
You can tell I am very knowledgeable about this whole movie business.
Ah, the good ol' days when Bruce Willis was younger and his constant smug was more than tolerated. It is true that Willis is one of the few mokeys in Hollywood that's actually trained in the art of entertaining other monkeys, but it's not funny anymore. You can't just giggle every frikin time a reference pops up in the dialogue. By the way, the dialogue is a clichee extravaganza. It's like they ripped every page from a boring book and banged it with a hammer over the keyboard. Anyway...
Here's an image that describes the whole movie.
Watching a premiere in my country is apparently like watching fireworks in some hobo's a**. My girlfriend wanted to go to a movie and we had only too choices: Hansel und Grettel.... or the latest entry in the Dies Hard franchise. Yeah. Of course I couldn't have expected a great movie after the whole milking of the series and Willis is obviously having lots of fun througout the movie to even care. He's not even the main protagonist anymore. Remember Indiana Jones and te Crystal thingy? Remember how we all wished deep inside that we could sneak behing Shia LeBoots and snap his neck? No? Just me? Nevertheless, It's like that in A God Day to ah, to damn with it, we'll just call it Die Hard 5. Only worse. You can barely see John McLane from behind his son's eagerness to fill in the shoes. No, really. There's even a scene at the end that I won't spoil where it becomes obvious.
Let me first get comfy, because I feel like I went way ahead of myself. Once I sat down in the chair, I realise there's a tall bloke in front of me that's blocking half the screen. Why is there every time I go to see a movie there's a tall guy making out with his tall girlfriend in front of me? Is this a conspiracy like the one where they strategically place a baby in the plane? "Excuse me, kind sir!", I said to him in a monotone and polite voice, "could you please lower thyself a bit so I can read the subtitles? Thank you for thy benevolence!". He seemed like he agreed, but just nudged a bit and started making out with the lady next to him. "Hey, friendo!", insisted I, "how about you make a little bit more effort? I know you're a big fellow and I may be puny, but how about we switch places and I'll wear a porcupine as a hat?" Never had problems with him for the rest of the movie. And what is it with young people and poity hairdo? Gel is useful when your hair makes you look like Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber, but stop recreating battle scenes from Lord of the Rings on your head if you plan on going to the theater. I can't even imagine how awkward it must have been for Mr T.
On with the movie. It's a Die Hard movie on par with the latest action flicks starring Steven Seagull, that wrestling guy and Dolph Lundgren. The plot starts simple enough, with McLane going in Russia to... well, they don't tell you at the start, although it wouldn't be a spoiler if you've watched any trailer, but let's go with the flow. It looks like something tragic has happened and McLane takes a vacation to Russia. Russia... And that's Willis' line for the rest of the movie, "I'm in vacation", like a parrot in a cage. Oh yeah, and "Remember when uncle Harry touched you in that special place..." no one cares. I have not come here to watch "alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him", don't fool yourselves. Those awful boring bonding moments between McLane and his son (oops spoiler alert) are obviou fillers for the lack of money for more bad CGI. So yeah, it turns out McLane actually travels to Moscow after being informed that his son is in some kind of trouble and he tries to help. Well, I would have never doubt it, but as it turns out later, that very first scene in the movie is a huge plot hole. There's nothing to be spoiled here as the whole plot has been covered in the trailer. So here's how it goes...
Four minutes in and there's a huge explosion. Wait, let's start this again: random stuff happening and no one gets it, singing russian taxi driver, LOUD NOISES, plot hole, shenanigans. Also be prepared to be twisted like a twisted twist on a drunk spinning twister. Here's homework: before going to see the movie, write on a napkin whatever you think it will happen in it. U psychic yet? No, well get a load of this: remember how McLane suddenly became a professional truck racer in the last movie? Now he's doing drifts with a truck while avoiding rockets and slaloming through incoming traffic. And no one was impressed, more so when he eventually couldn't get the achievement he was after and landed face front on the asphalt. It was clear the accident turned his brains into mush when he started waving his extremities at cars in the middle of the road asking to steal them. This might work in 'murica with a badge over your head like in Sims, but I will give credit to the film makers for the realism of this scene. After acquiring another vehicle to drive on conveniently placed ramps over busses, trucks and other people's expensive goods, McLane catches up with his son and his weird russian grandpa Vania or what's his name and saves them from an unknown fate. If you really care to know, the whole chasing sequence ends with a picture of a photoshopped brick.
The things is, how it turns out, McLane's son is not a common crook, but some kind of new age spy or something (covered in the trailer) and the old russian guy holds some secret file about someone important that's somehow involved in the Chernobyl disaster. But it's deeply hidden in the a** of Pripyat, in a radioactive bank's deposit box that can only be opened with a weird twisted key hidden in somewhere only the old guy knows about and the bad guy wants the file so he can burn it. What? So here we go to get the damn key. There's a scene in an elevator where the old russian guy notices how McLane seems like he's done this before. We all sat there in silence as they sat there in silence and I could see Willis' smug in all its mightiness waiting for the next stupid f**ing one liner. I never saw it coming right from Johnny Jr's mouths: "I could have done it better" he said. You f**ing retarded prick Weren't you the one hiding behind a pair of dirty briefs a couple of minutes ago while your father went all Rambo on the most dumbest platoon of special forces? Because I recall how McLane landed in the middle of one lame Christmas party a long time ago, barefooted on broken glass, with a lighter, a pop gun and his undershirt and still managed to take the terrorists out one by one, while going up and down inside a skyscraper. But now the writers got so lazy they created a scene where one pushes a button and a bunch of bad guy drop like flies. That's not a metaphor, it really happens in the movie. It was then when I said to myself that I should step up, yell like my hands are on fire "f**k this f**king movie" and walk out like I own the place. But I was too afraid that people will judge me and toss me in the naughty corner for being such a ponce and thus I sat there through the whole movie, cringing and cursing silently, hoping that someone will hear me and kick me out. It never did happen. We must sit in our chairs and enjoy the spectacle just like overeducated chimpanzees with top hats watch gorillas performing can-can. And once in a while they throw bananas at the public just like saying "here's your gunfights and here's your explosion, that's why you came here, you w**ker and stop your whining". I read a review about this movie somewhere and the bulls**ter was praising the heck out of it in such an overly realistic manner, he couldn't understand it: "everyone in the audience was cheering at the end, we all clapped and whistled at the wonderful acting and it was a delight seeing people dancing on the chairs and tossing feces at each other." That's bollocks. My experience was totally different, as in everyone mumbling in a successive manner, shacking heads in disappointment, just like Bruce Willis acted this whole movie pretending to be that "son, I am disappoint" meme.
You can stop here if you're still eager to see the movie for the first time, but I have to SPOIL some of the plot in the next part. So here's your SPOILER ALERT!
The whole story that occurs after McLane first encounters his son in Moscow is loosely based on the fact that McLane delays his son's perfect escape plan for about 10 seconds. As it turns out in the end, the really bad guy was always the old creepy russian they insist on carrying around. You see, the old man only pretends to be the good guy, while in fact he was trying to trick the bad guy into getting him where he wants. And after a whole hour (I guess) of driving from Moskow all the way to Pripyat, Ukrain, it turns out there was no file, but in fact there's some kind of Solomon's tomb inside the bank that only old man Vidia new about in which he hid a lot of nuclear material. It also turns out these terrorists have come up with some kind of gas that has the ability to teleport radiation to another dimension. And here's the wild part: this old guy is so bad that after he shoots a worse person point blank in the face, he unloads the entire clip in his corpse. But here come the McLanes to the rescue of the world. Remember the time when Allan Rickman tried to fool John into thinking he's just a victim? They do. How awesome was that scene, right!? And Allan Rickman? Forget about it! No, but they do the same thing in this movie and they even try to pull it twice. The first time, meh. But the second time it's when they meet again with the old man not knowing he's the actual mastermind, the old guy starts coughing and leaning on the crates like he's suddenly been struck by the coughing syndrome. A two year old kid would have thrown poop at the screen. Of course, McLane senior realizes that he's crooked and thus the end battle starts. But there was an army when they came, and now there are only three people: the old man, his dastardly daughter and a naked guy that looks like Dwayne Johnson. I prefer to call him Dwayne Johnson. "Ah" I said to myself, "there are going to be some headbutts in this movie". But there were none. In fact, Dwayne dies like a sissy girl in a ball of gas fire. And I can tell you for sure that's not how the combustion dynamics of gas fire behaves. I have an academic diploma in such matters, you see.
The thing is, to keep this as short as I can, the old guy planned this whole thing from the beginning of the movie (even longer, 1986 presumably), but wagering all on the random encounter of McLane and his son when McLane f**ked up his son's plan by 10 or so seconds. Okay, let's say that's not important, but then how come McLane has found out about his son if he was an undercover CIA agent all the time. But as it has been proven, the CIA are just a bunch of amateur w**kers. And then there's the last scene with the helicopter when ooh, aah, beautiful splosions!
Wait! There is a new Die Hard?!
You can tell I am very knowledgeable about this whole movie business.
I'm not a fan of going out to movies. It's overpriced and on top of that there are usually obnoxious people in the theater. I'm usually lucky enough to not get the abnormally tall guy in front of me. But I usually get the obnoxious d-bags behind me. Uhg, anyway, not surprised that this movie is getting hammered by critics and users alike.
I had no idea this movie was even in the works until I saw a trailer for it last week!! Not too interested in it, but I have to admit that I am looking forward to seeing Hansel & Gretel. :P
@-INKling- There's your answer ^^^
Unfortunately for me, I saw that too. My eyes are still bleeding from watching Jeremy Renner peeing in the woods for an hour and a half in his tight leathery pants. I don't even want to get into the messed up details of that movie.
@xsonicchaos @AvatarMan96 Oh dear, when I saw the trailer I did think 'how did this film even get made!'
@-INKling- No, it still does.